Are You Having The Right Amount And Kind Of Sex, According To Experts?
February 28, 2022
I have never worked with a couple that didn’t need to talk more about sex. So let me get the ball rolling!
The most common question sex experts (“sexperts”) get asked is, “Is this normal?” A lot of the time we humans wanna know what we “should” be doing, so we don’t have to do the hard work to figure out what we actually want!
You feel me?
Sexologist, Janah Boccio, LCSW, MEd, says: There is no one right kind of sex people should be having, and no ideal frequency that fits everyone. People should be having as much sex as they want, of the kind of sex they'd like to have.
My concern is that people aren’t addressing the root of their desires or lack thereof. Maybe there are unhealed emotional wounds, hormonal imbalances, food or drug reactions, or just unspoken needs that get in the way of people fully feeling their desire!
That’s why I push couples who aren’t having sex to get back to some kind of sexual play with each other, at least 1/week, and working up to twice. Boccio points out that “sexual play” could include cheering on your partner, or assisting in their self-pleasure. She also points out being asexual or aromantic are valid sexual preferences and someone's sexuality shouldn't be dismissed from the equation.
Whereas in my practice I push for regularity Boccio urges away from any rigid concept of what is right saying, “Sex is co-created anew, each time, by the people involved, and it might not look like what we expect or imagine ‘typical’ sex might be.”
For most of us, setting a standard, that you WILL have sexual activity motivates you to deal with the underlying issues that may be blocking your desire. I understand it is vulnerable to think about, and ask for, what you want and need. But it’s better to desire, and have to find a way, than never to desire at all–I promise!
Have you talked to your partner simply about:
- what barriers might be affecting your sex life?
- what frequency do they like?
- what they like best when it come to sex?
- what they’d like to try next in bed?
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ASK. Go for it, I dare you!
In summary, my opinion on the right kind and amount of sex is below. I’d love to hear your opinion, so leave a comment on the blog, reply to this email, or join the Love-In community to talk with like-minded love-seekers, including myself, about it.
Here are the elements:
- Consensual
- Enjoyable to All Involved
- Regular
One last plug for regular:
Definition of regular from Oxford Languages:
Arranged in or constituting a constant or definite pattern, especially with the same space between individual instances.
In other words, you can count on it! You don’t have to wait a really long or unpredictable amount of time for it! I can’t tell you what a relief it was in my marriage to take the wondering away, and just commit.
I was afraid I might be outrightly chastised by sexperts for claiming the more regular the sex, the healthier the relationship, but Elliott La Rue affirmed, 2 times a week will likely produce magic! And he backed it up with science. Yep, sex is really good for you, purely for health reasons!
Since it raises our pleasure chemicals, like dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins, it’s a natural high. He also encouraged me to think about sex far beyond what happens with a partner during intercourse--you can turn yourself on in so many ways, at so many times! Why not have as much of this kind of health benefit as possible?
Unfortunately, the answer for many is shame. And that’s something Boccio, LaRue, and I, are all trying to combat! We can combat sub-par sexual experiences and shame by talking about it. LaRue’s simple answer to how much sex is the right amount: as much as you can get, as often as you need, solo or with a partner. Pleasure is your birthright, and we must learn how to enjoy these bodies fully.
And let us say: AMEN!
Want More Love, Connection, and YES—Better Sex?
Whether you're having too little sex, the wrong kind of sex, or just avoiding the whole topic altogether, you are not alone. Let’s talk about what’s really getting in the way—and what to do about it. Join me for my free webinar: “3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love.” You’ll get tools to build more intimacy, desire, and honest communication in your relationship.
👉 Watch now
Love,
Frequently Asked Questions about Sex in Long-Term Relationships
What if I’m not interested in sex lately—is that a problem?
Not inherently. Desire ebbs and flows, but it’s worth getting curious about why. Are you physically depleted? Emotionally disconnected? Avoiding tough conversations? Lack of interest is often a symptom, not a flaw.
How do I bring up sex without it getting awkward or defensive?
Lead with curiosity, not criticism. Try saying, “I want to talk more about our sex life—not because something’s wrong, but because I care about us and want more connection.” Then ask open-ended questions and actually listen.
What if we have completely different sex drives?
This is very common—and solvable. The key is communication, compassion, and co-creating a plan that honors both of you. That might include redefining what sex looks like, expanding the menu, or finding a middle ground together.
Is scheduling sex really a good idea?
Yes! It removes uncertainty, builds anticipation, and ensures intimacy doesn’t get lost in the chaos of daily life. Just because it’s planned doesn’t mean it’s unsexy—think of it as making space for play.
How can I get over shame or embarrassment around my desires?
First, know that you are not alone. Shame thrives in silence. Start by naming your feelings in a safe space—whether with a coach, partner, or journal. The more you speak your truth, the less power shame has over you. Pleasure is your birthright.