The New "Honesty Is The Best Policy" In Dating
Most of us were raised to play games. Remember the book "The Rules?"
We were taught to essentially pretend not to care, in order to attract true love. I understand why this seemed like a good idea at the time, men enjoy the chase and all, but something backfired.
We started to lie, pretend, and manipulate in order to find love. And if you couple this trend with natural insecurity and the desire to "present well" on dates, you can see how dating has become a bit of a staged performance, rather than an opportunity for authenticity and intimacy.
And it's sad because it's the intimacy of radical honesty that we're all craving. The kind of honesty that gets you closer to the right person, the kind that leads to real love.
Put our best foot forward,” smile through awkward moments, avoid heavy topics on the first date so as not to “scare them away,” turns out to be bad advice when it comes to a meaningful connection.
Honest individuals—especially at this life stage—have a huge advantage in dating. Those who wish to "tell it like it is" without oversharing, foster closeness, build trust, and filter out the wrong people faster.
New research in personality science shows that people who practice honest communication build stronger, longer-lasting connections. Being open with your true feelings creates a "safe space" where other people also feel they can do the same. The University of Rochester recently studied the effects of truthful communication in dating and found that honesty leads to more motivated partners and more realistic expectations for long-term relationships, rather than idealized or fantasy-based ideas.
So many advantages!
As a dating coach with over 20 years of experience, I have done a lot of interviews. Below, I share a podcast interview in which I discuss all the reasons why honesty is the best policy in early dating. I go FAR beyond the ethical issues.
I cover:
Why “scaring them away” works
The right attitude towards dating
A refresher on “liability compatibility" and why that should be your real focus
How to figure out your liabilities
What criteria matter, and which should be overlooked
What does honesty with yourself even mean
Coming up with “Spark Questions” that get the answers you need on dates
How to find out if the other person is actually “available”
How to ask a hard question–the balance between grace and wisdom
The most important question you need to ask
Help for believing you can change your type
Optimal timing for revealing vulnerabilities
The 8 steps of a “difficult conversation”
Oh my gosh, this is such a chock-full and useful interview!
I hope it leaves you utterly inspired to utter anything you have to say.
(Or listen on Apple Podcasts)
Why “Scaring Them Away” Might Be a Good Idea
One common fear I hear from women I coach is, "What if I tell the truth and they run?"
And my response is: Good! If someone is scared away by your truth, they’re not the right person. Honesty helps you weed out incompatible partners early so you can focus on someone who’s a true fit.
You’re not trying to win everyone over—you’re trying to connect with the right person. That means showing up as your full self: values, quirks, flaws, and all. Pretending to be someone else might buy you a second date, but it won’t lead to the relationship you want. I mean how long can you suck in your stomach or pretend you don't fart?
What should you be honest about early on? Think about your real life—the things that make up your day-to-day, your history, and your non-negotiables. Here are a few examples:
✅ You’re looking for a serious relationship
✅ You have grandkids or kids at home
✅ You live with a dog who sleeps in your bed
✅ You’re not great with texting or being on time
✅ You have a health condition that will affect your future or your sex life
✅ You’re financially secure… or still rebuilding
✅ You’re not thrilled about your divorce, or your ex, or you're still involved
✅ You go to therapy or coaching (or want to)
You can learn to talk about these things in a neutral or self-aware tone, not with apology or defensiveness. I literally ask my client to write up how they are going to talk about these things prior to their dates. This kind of grounded truth-telling shows emotional maturity and attracts people who are also ready for something real.
Liability Compatibility: What You Both Bring to the Table
One of the most powerful tools I teach is something I call liability compatibility. It’s the idea that your so-called "flaws"—your baggage, issues, or bad habits—don’t scare off the right partner. In fact, they may even endear you to the right person.
Maybe you’re a workaholic. Maybe you need alone time every day. Maybe you snore, have anxiety, are a vegan, or prefer hiking over fancy dinners.
If someone doesn't like those parts of you, it’s not rejection—it’s just not a match. The right person won’t hate your quirks; they’ll either be charmed by them or know how to tolerate or work with them.
When to Share: Timing Your Truths
Of course, timing matters. Should you reveal everything on a first date? Not necessarily. But you also don’t want to hide key truths just to keep the other person interested.
Here’s a suggested timeline:
✅ First date: Share your authentic self lightly—talk about your values, dreams, goals, and lifestyle preferences. Talk about kids, religion, politics, and pets, of course!
✅ Second date: Go deeper. Make sure you are finding out about their goals and dreams, and start discussing harder things like money, exes, and health.
✅ Next level: Once you sense potential, and before the 4th date, open up about past experiences, flaws, and whether or not you are looking for long-term commitment.
You’re not dumping your life story at once—you’re layering in the truth with intention over time, and as the other person earns your trust by being similarly vulnerable.
The 8 Steps to a Difficult Conversation
You may still find it hard to muster the courage to tell someone something that feels vulnerable. This is where the rubric comes in handy. Here are my go-to steps for awkward conversations:
✅ Ask permission — Don’t ambush them; invite the conversation.
✅ State a positive intention — Set a collaborative tone and ease tension.
✅ Share your fears — Be human and vulnerable to build a connection.
✅ Own your part — Acknowledge any role you've played in the issue or error you’ve made
✅ “Spill the beans” — Clearly say what's on your mind.
✅ Invite their input & listen — Encourage them to speak about their reaction and really listen.
✅ Reflect back — Paraphrase or repeat to confirm understanding.
✅ Agree on specifics going forward — Define actionable next steps or resolutions.
People fear being honest because they literally do not know how. This cheat sheet is your guide, and if you practice, you'll get good at it. And you can teach it to the people you date! You'll be glad you model it early on because you set the tone and culture of the relationship at the outset.
The real reason honesty is the best policy in early dating is that it's the best policy in general for relationships. Start as you mean to go on by introducing the concept of candor in your first few conversations with a new love interest. I bet you'll be surprised at how refreshing most people find it!
Frequently Asked Questions About Honesty in Dating
1. What if I’m too honest and it turns people off?
Honesty isn’t about oversharing or overwhelming people with your entire life story. It’s about being authentic and true to yourself. If someone is turned off by your truth, they’re not the right person. The right match will be drawn to your vulnerability.
2. How do I know if someone is being honest with me?
Pay attention to consistency. Do their words and actions match? Do they answer questions directly, or dodge them? Honest individuals are usually open, not defensive.
Look for someone who talks about real life, not just what sounds good. Also, please note that the more honest you are, the better you will become at detecting if someone else is being honest.
3. Is it okay to tell a small lie early on, like about my age or online dating profile?
It might seem harmless, but even a little white lie can plant seeds of mistrust. If your relationship starts off with a small lie, what happens when the stakes get higher?
Start as you mean to go on: truthfully. If you lied on your profile to trick the algorithm, make sure you tell the truth in a video chat so the other person has the chance to choose you on the basis of facts.
4. Can honesty really build attraction?
Yes! Radical honesty builds emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy is sexy. It helps create a connection that goes way deeper than physical appearance. In the long run, honest relationships have better chemistry and a stronger connection.
5. What if I’ve been dishonest in the past—can I start fresh?
Absolutely. Every day is a new chance to lead with the truth. The next day, the next date, the next level of connection—it’s all an opportunity to shift into authenticity. Forgive yourself and start now.
Love,
