Can Sex Get Better After Menopause?

(A version of this was previously published on Sixty and Me.)

Let’s talk about sex. Yes, even now. Especially now.

If you’re post-menopausal and dating (or thinking about dating), I want you to know: you are not alone, you are not too old, too dry, too rusty, and you are not done. So many women in their 50s, 60s, and beyond are re-entering the dating world and wondering with regards to sex… what now?

Sex can feel exciting, awkward, intimidating, empowering—sometimes all in the same night. That’s normal. But with just a little prep work (and a lot of truth-telling), it can also be amazing.

Here are your frequently asked questions and my best answers!

1. How Soon is Too Soon For Sexual Encounters?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. It depends on what you’re looking for.

If you’re just looking for great sex, then as long as it feels good and safe to you—go for it. But if you’re looking for a meaningful long-term relationship (and I suspect you are, or you wouldn’t be reading this), then I want you to slow down.

I always say: wait until you know you want a relationship with this person—not just that you like them, or that they’re cute, or you’re flattered by their attention. Do you know their values? Do they show up consistently? Can they talk about real things with you?

By “real things,” I mean–their family, their past, their feelings, money, future plans, and yes, sex itself! If you’re not comfortable enough to talk about what you like in bed, and your sexual health, sorry, you are not ready to actually have sex!

And to be really explicit: have they agreed to monogamy with you?

If you’re looking for the last love of your life and you’ve not agreed to just focus on each other (for right now), don’t get naked yet! Want to know how to establish monogamy? Read this.

Sex has a way of bonding you prematurely to someone, and that’s a no-no before you know each other well and have committed to spending regular time together. Your body is precious, and it deserves to be shared with someone who’s earned your trust.

2. What are the Best Ways to Know If He Just Wants Sex?

Oh, honey, you know. You always know. You just don’t always want to admit it.

If he’s making sexual innuendos early on, that’s a test. He’s seeing how far he can go. If he avoids deeper conversations and pushes for “just drinks” instead of a real dinner—or resists getting on a video chat before meeting in person—that’s your clue.

You can also just ask him what he’s looking for. A man who only wants sex will usually tell you. Maybe not in those words—but he’ll make it clear with his priorities.

Or head this off at the pass, and just say you’re looking for something serious. That usually scares off someone who is just looking for companionship or sex only.

3. How Do I Say I Want to Wait Until We’re Monogamous?

This one’s easy to say—but hard to believe we’re allowed to say.

Here’s a script I love:

“I really like you. I’m having a great time getting to know you. I’m looking for something meaningful, and for me, that means getting to know someone deeply before becoming sexual. I’d want to be monogamous first.”

That’s the truth. And it’s loving, clear, and confident. Anyone who’s aligned with you will respect that boundary. Anyone who’s not? Good riddance.

4. What is Safe Sex These Days?

Safe sex is not just a conversation for teenagers. STDs (the kids call them STI’s now, because less stigma to an infection vs disease!) don’t care about your age bracket!

Safe sex means condoms. No unprotected sex.

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It also means seeing a recent STD test. If that feels awkward to ask for, I promise—it’s a million times more awkward to get (or have to make) a phone call with bad news later.

You cannot skip the talk about sexual health. 

5. What Will They Think of Me Naked?

This one. Oh, this one.

I’ve coached so many older women who’ve said:

“What if he sees my stretch marks?”
 “What if he doesn’t like my breasts?”
 “I just don’t look the way I used to?”

Here’s the good news: men are not thinking about your stretch marks. They’re thinking about how lucky they are to be naked with a woman who’s turned on and confident in her own skin.

You may have insecurities about breast size, vulva appearance, or pubic hair. But I’m here to tell you: he does not care. If he’s in bed with you, he’s already into it (and mostly worrying about his own performance.)

One study showed that 68% of men worry about their penis size. You’re not the only one worried about the size of things--body image issues plague all of us. But now that we’re older adults, can we get the joke, that having fun in bed really has more to do with mindset and attentiveness than the size of our body parts!  

Don’t all these jitters point to how important it is in intimate relationships to get to know a person well, develop trust, and talk through your concerns before hopping into bed?

6. What to Do About Erectile Dysfunction?

ED is incredibly common among men over 60 (as their testosterone level declines, and they may develop a low libido), and yet we’re all still making a big deal over it. 

Please stop taking it personally, it’s not personal. If he went for it with you and you’re already in bed, trust me, he wants to have an erection–even more than you do. It's not a lack of desire.

Be patient, be gentle, be kind. And most of all, be creative. Helping a man calm his nerves might just do the trick. And remember, amazing sex can happen without an erection. That takes the pressure off both of you, especially if you have an emotional connection.

If you can’t figure out how to have fun with an unpredictable erection situation, that’s a failure of imagination ;)  Penetrative sex is not your only option. Sex toys can help in this situation. And, there are always pills and hormone therapy if you want to go that route.

While we’re talking sexual activity, let's talk physical changes–vaginal dryness and vaginal atrophy are real, with the loss of estrogen that accompanies maturity. Sexual dysfunction can happen to women, too.  If you haven’t had regular sex in a while, please keep practicing (dilating) –to keep the channels open and “in shape”, and always have some water-based lubricant you love lying around! 

Nobody needs to have painful sex. Lifestyle factors can also affect sexual activity; physical activity is important to your sexual health. If you have more technical and hormonal concerns, speak to your trusted healthcare provider. Your overall health matters too, and they know how to help!

Good Advice: You’re Still a Sexual Being over 60

Postmenopausal women don’t age out of desire. Your body may be different than what it was in your 20s, but your capacity for pleasure and intimacy can be stronger than ever.  You can have better sex than you had in your youth!

It takes communication and truth-telling. It takes knowing what you want and not settling for less than a fulfilling sex life.

You are not “too old.” You are not “past your prime.” You are a grown-ass woman who knows herself better than ever—and deserves nothing less than sexual satisfaction in the bedroom.

Please try to enjoy every delicious, awkward, beautiful moment.

You’ve earned it.

Not sure if you’re ready to date? Take my quiz.

Want to become more ready, watch my free webinar: 3 Secrets to Finding And Maintaining Healthy Love.

Prefer to see a video about Navigating Sex? Click here to watch me get interviewed.

Frequently Asked Questions About Sex After Menopause

Is it too late to rediscover my sex drive if I haven’t felt it in years?

Absolutely not. Desire can be rekindled—it just might take a little intention and curiosity. Hormonal shifts, emotional baggage, or simply life stress can dull your spark, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone. Start by reconnecting with your own body—explore touch, fantasy, and honest conversations with your partner (or with yourself!) You don’t need to “feel like it” to start—you just need to start. Desire often follows action.

What should I do if I feel embarrassed talking about sex with a new partner?

Normalize it by being the brave one. You’d be surprised how many people are relieved when someone finally breaks the silence. Try: “Can we talk about what makes sex great for us?” or “What makes you feel safe and wanted in bed?” If that feels like too much, try humor. Laughing together can be the best foreplay. Remember, vulnerability is sexy when it’s real.

Can I date if I have a low libido or feel ‘meh’ about sex?

Yes, yes, and yes. You are not a performance machine. Plenty of people are looking for connection, companionship, touch, and trust. Don’t write yourself off because you’re not “raring to go” every second. Be honest about where you are—and if someone isn’t up for that, they’re not your person.

What if I want to try something new in bed but feel shy about bringing it up?

Start with curiosity, not pressure. Try: “I read something recently and it made me curious—can I share it with you?” Or use a show, book, or even a blog like this as your opener. Being playful, not clinical, keeps things light. And here’s a truth bomb: If you can’t talk about it, you’re probably not quite ready to do it—so make space for the conversation first.

What do I do if I’ve had trauma or shame around sex in the past?

First, deep breath. You are not broken. And you’re not alone. Healing is possible—and sex can be part of that healing, not just something to “get over.” But it starts with compassion. Get support (a therapist, a coach, a safe friend), take your time, and only move at your own pace. Your pleasure is yours to reclaim, whenever you’re ready.