The Importance of Shared Values in a Romantic Relationship
What you want in a relationship has surely changed as you have aged!
Romantic love and physical chemistry are not enough for a successful relationship. Shared core principles are what provide a solid foundation for long-term happiness. And if you’re serious about finding a committed relationship later in life, you need to figure out what matters most to you NOW.
As the creator of Master the Art of Love, I want to talk values—not just the buzzwords people throw around, but the guiding principles that actually shape people’s lives and determine whether or not a couple makes it (happily).
The old days...
When I was younger my friends and I were looking for hunky, handy, reliable men that made good livings and would make good fathers.
Sorry to be crass.
After menopause, we don't need to be looking for mates with money or procreation potential, we can let other values become the priority--like personal growth, similar interests, and honest communication.
In order to articulate what you really want in a healthy relationship, you have to think in terms of your current values.
Let me clarify:
According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, values are the principles that help you to decide what is right and wrong, and how to act in various situations:
I ask clients to write the values of their romantic relationship in order of importance.
I’ll tell you the most popular values my clients listed at the end of this blog, but first, you have to do the exercise at home.
Step 1: Take out a blank sheet of paper or open a spreadsheet and list the values that are most important to a relationship.
If you are looking for ideas, here are some popular choices below:
✅ Honesty
✅ Selflessness
✅ Friendship
✅ Love
✅ Faithfulness
✅ Mutual Understanding
✅ Compassion
✅ Sex/Chemistry
✅ Unconditional Love
✅ Being There/Showing Up
✅ Emotional Support
✅ Intimacy
✅ Growth
✅ Romance
✅ Fun
✅ Effective Communication
✅ Respect
Step 2: Pick only your top 5-10.
Step 3: Now put them in order from most to least important.
Step 4: Keep these handy while dating. You can ask your new love to do the exercise on his own and then compare notes.
So much will be revealed.
The Worst That Can Happen
The very worst thing that can happen is that you find that your deep-down values really don’t line up like you thought or wished they would. It’s my belief that on some level, you already knew and felt that, but didn’t want to admit it.
So be brave and:
Write it down
Quantify it (by putting your list in order)
Tell the truth about it to your mate if you have one, or plan to when you get one.
The Importance of Core Relationship Values
While some differences can be enriching, different values in key areas can create potential conflict in the long term. While things are exciting, new, and steamy in the beginning, we ignore differences or tell ourselves we can change them. As time goes on, reality dawns, at our age, people aren't changing fundamental beliefs very easily.
Ask yourself:
✅ Do we have similar core values about family and fidelity?
✅ Do we share a common understanding of respect, equality, and monogamy?
✅ Do our relationship goals align in the long run?
✅ Are we able to discuss difficult topics openly?
The Non-Negotiables: Key Values in a Relationship
To me, these should be the dealbreakers:
1. Open and Honest Communication
A partner who values effective communication will:
✅ Express their feelings openly before they fester and become explosions
✅ Listen kindly without interrupting, even if it gets sticky.
✅ Discuss difficult topics (such as finances, career goals, or past experiences) instead of avoiding them.
✅ Create a safe space for you to say things on your mind and heart.
If you and your romantic partner can’t talk through challenges, it’s a sign of deeper incompatibility.
2. Mutual Respect and Emotional Support
You need to feel valued and heard. The above goes a long way towards that, but also consider: if your dreams don't line up with your partner's, then supporting you might come into conflict with supporting themselves. We don't want that.
This means you must explore the following to see if you respect and can support their views and desires:
✅ How healthy of a lifestyle do you want to lead?
✅ How do you want to handle family members?
✅ Are your career goals in alignment?
✅ Is where you want to live/retire compatible?
✅ Can you support their religious beliefs and traditions?
✅ Are your views on finances going to coalesce well?
✅ Do you agree on the amount of personal space and independence each of you "get" to have?
A good partner provides emotional support for your dreams and personal goals.
3. Shared Interests
A lot of common interests are not necessary, but there needs to be a few. Especially later in life, when most people want to focus on health, staying active, personal growth, travel, and family, it sure helps to have common ground. Activities you enjoy together, whether it's trips, fitness, music, or personal development, keep the connection juicy.
Ask yourself:
✅ Do we have activities that bring us closer?
✅ Do we make an effort to support or engage in each other’s hobbies?
✅ Are there any hobbies or activities I object to so greatly that it's a dealbreaker?
It's okay to have different perspectives on what's fun as long as there is enough overlap to keep you engaged with each other as well as "your own things."
What Happens When You Have Different Values?
Sometimes, despite all the love and attraction, two people just aren’t meant to be together. Different opinions on big topics like religious differences, cultural influences, or financial habits can cause internal conflict that leads to long-term resentment.
While some differences can be worked through, fundamental value mismatches often lead to heartbreak.
The best way to avoid this? Be honest with yourself from the beginning.
If you’re consistently trying to change your partner or compromise your own core beliefs, it's time to take a closer look at whether this relationship is truly right for you.
Building a Healthy Relationship: What You Can Do
If you’re already in a relationship and want to strengthen your bond, here are some healthy ways to improve alignment on key values:
✅ Have Regular Value Check-Ins: Aspects of your life change over time, so make sure you and your partner are still aligned on core principles and long-term goals.
✅ Practice Effective Conflict Resolution: Learn to navigate potential conflict with open communication instead of avoidance.
✅ Respect Personal Space: A strong relationship allows both partners to have individuality while still being deeply connected.
✅ Prioritize Emotional Connection: The strength of your relationship is built through daily efforts—small acts of kindness, quality time, and ongoing support.
✅ Use Common Ground: Do the things together that you both love regularly.
Not even sure if you're ready to date? Watch my free webinar to get ready.
The Right Values
Of course, there are no "right" values, but as promised at the top, I wanted to tell you what almost everyone lists as the "most important shared values in a romantic relationship."
Drumroll for the most popular values...
✅ Trust
✅ Loyalty
✅ Care
Did you guess them? Do you agree? Whether those are your core values or not, the point is you're thinking about it. Dating like you mean it takes strategic thinking, consistent mojo, and (sorry) hard work. And why shouldn't it? Finding love IS the most important thing.
Let me know if I can help here.
Frequently Asked Questions About Shared Values
What if I don’t know what my core values are?
Great question. Most of us think we know until we get into a relationship and realize… oops, maybe not. To get clarity, reflect on past relationships—what worked, what didn’t, and what left you feeling most disconnected. Then ask yourself: What do I need to feel safe, respected, and happy in a relationship? If your list is longer than ten items, narrow it down to the 5-10 that would be absolute dealbreakers.
Can you still make it work if your values don’t perfectly match?
It depends. If you have different tastes in movies, no big deal. But if one of you wants to live in the US, and one of you wants to live abroad, that’s not a small detail; that’s a dealbreaker. The key is to identify your non-negotiables and be honest about them early, not two years in after you’ve already bought matching toothbrushes.
How soon should I talk about values when dating someone new?
Sooner than you’re probably comfortable with! This isn’t about interrogating someone on date one, but by date three, you should be dipping into deeper waters. Ask open-ended questions, listen for their principles in how they talk about family, work, and past relationships. And don’t be afraid to speak your truth—you’re not auditioning for them, you’re checking for alignment.
What if my partner says they value the same things, but their actions say otherwise?
That’s your cue to pay attention. Words are sweet, but actions are the truth. If someone says they value honesty but constantly hides things? Red flag. If they say they want commitment but avoid hard conversations? Another red flag. You train people how to treat you—so speak up, ask questions, and don’t override your intuition.
Can values change over time?
Yes—but not the core ones. People evolve, grow, and sometimes realign their priorities. That’s why regular value check-ins are so important. However, if your foundational values—like how you view trust, family, or integrity—start to drift too far apart, it may be time to lovingly reassess the relationship.
Love,
