You’re Training Someone How to Treat You—From the First Interaction
From the very first interaction, you are teaching someone how to treat you.
Whether it’s your body language, how you react to an awkward silence, what you don’t say or the way you handle that initial text message (or lack of text message,) everything you do sends a message about what you will and won’t tolerate later on.
If you’ve ever been in a situation where you wondered, Why does this person treat me like this?—think back to the beginning. Were there red flags that you ignored? Were there past relationships where you let certain behaviors slide, hoping they would change?
Spoiler: People don’t change unless they have a reason to.
The good news? You can set the tone for a meaningful relationship by being intentional in your first-date interactions. You don’t need to play games, second-guess yourself, or waste time on people who aren’t the right person for you. The more you react candidly and gracefully to what’s happening, the better chance you have of a real relationship with the right person!
You want to make a good first impression, but you never want to pretend like something is okay with you that just isn’t.
There are common mistakes that lead to really bad 2nd and 3rd dates and disappointing long-term relationships.
The Power of First Impressions in Dating
You’ve heard it a million times: First impressions matter. But let’s break down why they’re so important:
1. You Set Expectations Immediately
The first time you interact with someone—whether through a text message, a dating app, or an actual date—you are laying the groundwork for how they will see and treat you. If you tolerate lateness, inconsistency, or disrespect now, you are sending the message you are okay with those things, so expect more of the same later.
2. People Show You Who They Are—Believe Them
When someone ignores your texts, shows up late, or dominates the conversation without asking follow-up questions, that’s a clue. Studies on dating behavior show that people reveal a lot about themselves in the first few interactions.
Pay attention to their facial expressions, body language, and the conversation starters they use. If they show genuine curiosity, that’s a positive sign. If they make it all about themselves, give them a chance to correct by saying “ask me about X” or just offering your own answers. But if they don’t change course, pay attention to the red flag.
3. Chemistry Isn’t Everything
Too often in early dating, we over-focus on attraction and under-focus on how things feel emotionally. A successful first date means you feel heard, respected, and have good conversation.
If the only thing keeping you interested is their physical contact or potential for that, you will be disappointed later. Do your best early on to communicate what you are looking for on a deeper level and back it up with how you behave.
If you are looking for meaningful connections, bring meaningful topics up and engage in them authentically. Respond honestly to questions and even situations that make you feel uncomfortable.
First Date Tips: What to Do (and What NOT to Do)
✅ Set the Stage for A Good First Impression
1. Location, location, location
You want a place that’s conducive to really getting to know a person. But you also want to be able to get out fast if something really is making you uncomfortable or you become clear you are not a match.
A casual coffee shop or quiet restaurant are good ideas. Avoid super loud places where you can’t hear each other. If you’re nervous, an activity-based date (like a walk) is another great way to be together in a casual, low pressure way, that can be ended after 30-60 minutes if it’s not going well.
2. Seek and Inspire Answers
Want to avoid awkward silences and make sure you’re really getting to know the person?
Come prepared with good conversation starters. Ask about their past relationships (with a curious not critical tone), what they love about their job, or their favorite ways to spend time. First date questions should be fun and sometimes unexpected. Be ready to answer them too!
3. Body Language is Worth 1000 Words
Lean in when they talk, make eye contact, and mirror their facial expressions (without being creepy about it). These non-verbal cues help build genuine connection and make the other person feel comfortable to be themselves.
4. It’s Okay to Be Goofy
Most people really enjoy a bit of playfulness. A sense of humor goes a long way on a first date, but don’t force it. Authenticity is the most important thing. People can tell when you’re putting on airs—so don’t try to be the person you think they’ll like. Just be your best self. That also helps ensure that they will do the same.
🚫 How to Avoid a Bad First Impression
Want to guarantee a really bad date? Try these:
1. Act like an HR professional
Yes, you’re looking for a good match, but nobody wants to feel like they’re at a job interview. Avoid grilling them with rapid-fire personal questions. Please avoid any yes/no questions, they clearly have a right and wrong answer and they are just not interesting.
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2. Yak about Your Ex Ad Nauseum
Mentioning past relationships briefly is fine, but if you start unloading about your really bad dates or your cheating ex? That’s the fastest way to make someone flee, for fear of “drama.”
3. Head in Phone Syndrome
We live in the age of social media, but your notifications can wait. Checking your phone sends the message that you’re not interested. Give your date the attention they deserve. First dates should be designed to be short (unless they are going great) so if it’s not going well, get out quickly vs. staying and being rude.
4. Red Flags Ignore-ance
If your date dismisses your opinions, makes rude comments, or repeatedly doesn;t ask follow-up questions, take note. Don’t make excuses for bad behavior—because the last thing you want is to invest a lot of time in someone who doesn’t deserve it.
Anxiety Got Your Tongue?
Jitters are normal. Here are good ways to calm those first date nerves:
Memorize a few good questions and answers
Take a deep breath before you walk in.
Remind yourself that this is just a date—not a marriage proposal.
Focus on mutual interest rather than trying to “win them over.”
Set an intention: I’m here to enjoy myself and meet someone new.
What Happens After the First Date?
You got through a date, good news! At very least it was good practice and learning! Here’s what’s next:
1. Sing about it!
On second thought, don’t sing–just speak or text about it. If you had a great time, a comment or a simple text message the next day saying, “I really enjoyed meeting you, I’d say yes to another date!” is a great way to keep the momentum going.
2. Buh-bye!
A successful first date doesn’t necessarily guarantee a second date. Are they making an effort to continue the conversation? If so, plan that second date! If they’re giving lukewarm responses or taking a lot of time to reply, move on.
3. Cut Your Losses
Holding on too long is one of the biggest causes of dating fatigue. Not every date will lead to a meaningful relationship—and that’s okay. If something felt off, trust that instinct. Spending time with the wrong person means less time for the right person. My free webinar covers the 3-date strategy in detail, watch it here.
You deserve a great foundation for love, and that starts with the first thing you say, do, and expect. Hope this advice helps you nail it!
If you want the “3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love” in video format, watch my free webinar here.
I love watching you take charge of your love story! Rock on.
FAQs:
What should I wear on a first date?
Wear something that makes you feel confident and comfortable. An outfit that reflects your personal style but also shows effort is best. If you’re unsure, a smart-casual look—such as a well-fitted blouse or shirt with nice jeans or slacks—works well for most dates. Pay attention to grooming and small details, like polished shoes or minimal but stylish accessories, to make a great first impression.
What are good conversation starters for a first date?
Start with light and engaging topics to build rapport, such as travel, hobbies, favorite books or movies, or funny personal stories. Open-ended questions like “What’s something you’re passionate about?” or “What’s the best trip you’ve ever taken?” encourage deeper conversation. If nerves kick in, remember that active listening and showing curiosity about your date’s answers can put you both at ease.
How can I calm my nerves before a first date?
Try deep breathing, positive affirmations, or a short workout to release nervous energy. Don’t call it anxiety, call it excitement! This is just a chance to meet someone new, not a performance. If possible, plan an enjoyable activity beforehand, like listening to your favorite music or chatting with a friend, to help you relax.
What should I do to prepare for a first date?
Start by choosing a venue that allows for easy conversation and aligns with your comfort level. Make sure your outfit is clean and ready, and take care of personal grooming. Plan your transportation in advance to avoid last-minute stress. Mentally, set realistic expectations—rather than pressuring yourself to find "the one," focus on having a fun and engaging interaction. A quick check of your date’s profile (if you met online) can also help spark conversation topics.
How do I know if my first date went well?
Signs of a good date include engaging conversation, laughter, and mutual interest in learning more about each other. If the conversation flowed naturally, there was good eye contact, and both of you seemed to enjoy the experience, it’s a positive sign. Feel free to pursue the next date then and there with a comment like “If you ask me out again, I’d say yes.” It’s best to confirm and plan right then but if not watch for frequency and enthusiasm in your post-date communication to indicate if they want to see you again. By all means if you don’t know, ask!
Love,
