How to Flirt Naturally (and Still Be Your Authentic Self): Clean and Dirtier Come-ons Included
May 8, 2025
First of all, warning: this blog is for women. If you're a man and reading this, you may get some value and some chuckles, but the rules and ideas are really different for men. Maybe I'll write that one next.
Now, ladies, if your flirt game is rusty, good news: you don’t need cheesy lines — just a genuine smile, a little body language, and this expert's opinion (LOL).
Oh, and some "not-that-cheesy" lines.
Flirting can have a bad reputation — a lot of women either think it’s manipulative or that they’re just "not good at it." But I think anyone can get good at it, and it's an essential part of making yourself more attractive to men.
Flirting, when done with integrity, is a great way to spark a genuine connection. It’s not about pretending or playing games. It’s about revealing your authentic self, your most playful, authentic self, in a way that invites interest and chemistry.
It's a tool to hone whether you are using it on dating apps or out in the real world at cocktail bars, dog parks, or your cousin’s backyard BBQ. I want to address all the scenarios.
As a relationship expert who’s coached hundreds of single people through the ups and downs of dating, I'm going to break it down and make it nerdy. Below is what good flirting looks like — and how to find your personal flirting style that works in your real life, not just in rom-coms.
Genuine Smile and Eye Contact Go a Long Way
Before you even speak, your nonverbal behaviors are already communicating interest. What you should do with your body language:
- Lean in slightly.
- Keep eye contact (don’t stare, but don’t avert your eyes either).
- Flash a genuine smile (not that panicked frozen one — breathe!).
These small ways of engaging are easy ways to make someone feel seen, safe, and intrigued—and that’s what good flirting does.
The Best Way to Start The Talking Part of Flirting? Notice Something, Compliment It, Ask a Question
Once you've established contact, you're ready for the most important tip in your entire flirt game. The formula for a good "come-on."
Flirting = notice something + genuine compliment + question
That’s it. That’s the sweet spot.
The first part is to notice something. That means you can't be walking around with your face in a phone. You have to be looking up, looking around for a cute man. When at a social gathering, talk to friends, eat and drink, but also keep your head swiveling for those you might want to meet.
Once you've noticed something, you are ready to roll.
To a stranger at a bar, a party, a supermarket, an airport, a crosswalk, or at church, your opening line could be as simple as:
Clean:
"That color looks amazing on you — is it your favorite?"
"I love your shirt, where did you get it?"
Dirtier:
"Thanks so much for holding the door. Are you always such a gentleman?"
Or reverse the order:
Clean:
"Could you reach that for me? Thanks, not sure what I would have done without you."
"Could you help me with my bag? Thanks, are you always so helpful?"
"Can you help me find XYZ place? Thanks, are you from around here?"
Dirtier:
"Could you help me with my bag? Wow, you're so strong."
"Could you reach that for me? That was very manly. Wink."
This formula works in the group setting, in line at the store, and on the dating apps when you're trying to see if you have a connection.
Flirting = notice something + genuine compliment + question
On a dating app:
Clean:
"I see you've been to Hawaii, you have great taste in vacation spots. What's your favorite?"
Dirtier:
"You appear to enjoy getting sweaty, it looks good on you. What's your favorite way to do that?"
Now, I am just having some fun. Of course, you have to come up with your own lines that have just the right amount of smirk and suggestion for your taste.
In a bookstore:
Clean:
"You’ve got great taste in books. What was your last read?"
Dirtier:
"You’ve got great taste in books. What's on your bedside table?"
This might seem very forward, but remember: You'd only say flirty things like this to a man who you think is attractive and isn't wearing a wedding ring.
And know this: the line itself won't do the trick. Men are pretty thick sometimes, and they are also afraid of being considered too forward to, you'll need to add a wink, sly smile, and or a light touch on the arm, to really get the point across that you are flirting.
Don't kill me for saying this, but playing with your hair and sticking out your chest (yes, at any age) also really work to communicate the message "behind" the message if you know what I mean. Don't worry, this doesn't mean you want to or will sleep with the person; it just means you're interested in the potential beyond friendliness, and men need those cues.
Men love being of service, so a great way to start an interaction with a man is to ask for his help with something. Directions or the time are easy to ask for pretty much anywhere, anytime. There is no excuse not to flirt with an attractive, seemingly single stranger!
In olden times, it was perceived that men should always be the ones to initiate a flirtation, but it's just not so anymore. Times have changed, and culture has changed, and men are open to women initiating banter and flirtation now. According to a recent poll, men are reported to be even more open than women to casual flirting by strangers in places like the gym.
The secret isn’t the line itself — it’s the delivery.
Say it like you mean it, and use humor where it feels natural. If it lands, great. If not? Smile, say “Enjoy your workout,” and move on. No big deal.
Good Flirting Doesn’t Guarantee Chemistry — It Just Reveals Mutual Attraction
Good flirting doesn't "make" someone like you. It just helps you find out quickly if there's mutual attraction.
If the person’s not into it, you’ll know. They’ll give short answers, avoid eye contact, and the conversation will fizzle. Don’t take it personally. Not everyone is a good fit — and you only need one right person.
Flirting is an art form, not a science. And even the best artists strike out sometimes. The flirting game isn't about winning — it's about connecting with those who are actually open to you.
Good Flirts Ask Thoughtful Questions and Tell a Funny Story
Once the ice is broken, keep the vibe alive with small talk that actually matters. No need to dive into your entire dating history, but don’t be afraid to go a little deeper.
Ask something fun like:
- "What’s your idea of a good time?"
- "What’s the last movie that made you laugh?"
- "What’s something that always makes your day better?"
And if you’ve got a funny story from last night, or a sweet anecdote about your dog knocking over a wine glass — bring it. Humor is sexy. So is vulnerability.
Your Flirting Style Is Just an Extension of Your Natural Instinct
Here’s the better way to think about it: Flirting isn’t a skill you either have or don’t. It’s an expression of your natural instinct to connect. You’re not trying to "get" something. You’re offering a moment of lightness, curiosity, and warmth.
And when it’s the right person, it’s going to feel easy. That’s how you know it’s leading toward a romantic relationship, not just a surface-level exchange. More on how to find the right person here.
Some family therapists even encourage couples to keep flirting long into their relationships — because it reminds both partners that desire, play, and attention matter, even after a long time together.
Want to give him your Phone Number?
If things are going well and you’re vibing with someone at a party or a cocktail bar, don’t be afraid to say:
"If you ask me for my number, I'll give it to you."
It’s not pushy. It’s just clear. And confident. If they say yes, great. If they say no — bless and release. You’ve just cleared space for better potential mates.
Remember: The flirting game is only weird if you make it weird.
So, next time you spot someone interesting, remember: you don’t need to impress them. You just need to engage. A genuine smile, a bit of curiosity, and a moment of courage go a long way.
And hey — if you want to master this even faster, check out my self-paced course, Master the Art of Love. It’s the better way to stop guessing and start dating with purpose. 💋
Love, Laurie
FAQs: How to Flirt (Without Feeling Awkward)
What’s the best way to flirt on dating apps?
Lead with a genuine compliment followed by a light, open-ended question. Show interest in them.
Is flirting different for straight men vs. women?
Often, yes. Straight men are sometimes taught to be more direct, while women may lean toward subtlety. But the rules are changing. Regardless of gender, curiosity, kindness, and body language always matter.
How do I know if someone is flirting back?
Look for open eye contact, mirroring of your body language, laughs, or he asks for your number. If you’re doing all the work, there may not be mutual attraction — and that’s your cue to let it go.
Can flirting really lead to a real connection?
Absolutely. Good flirting is one of the fastest ways to see if a genuine connection is possible. Chemistry is a big part of "a real connection," so you have to see if you have that. If you don't rush to get physical, you can then shift the focus to learning more about each other, which is equally necessary.
I’m not a “young lady” anymore — can I still flirt?
Of course! Flirting is a great idea at any age. It keeps you young and excited. Good flirting is about presence, attention, and emotional intelligence. Many of the good flirts I know are over 50. You’re just getting started.
Love,
