What Do Older Women Think Men Want—and Are They Right? 

(A version of this was previously published on Sixty and Me.)

If you're a mature woman trying to make sense of modern dating, you’ve probably asked yourself: What do men actually want? Are they after “just sex,” younger women (only), a casual fling, a committed relationship, or none of the above?

Do older women actually know what men want—or are we making assumptions based on outdated ideas or our own insecurities?

A lot of us were raised to be wary of men because “they only want one thing.” 

From our parents’ antiquated perspective, there was such a danger of an unplanned pregnancy or being shunned by the church that our parents felt they had to actively terrify us, to convince us to keep our legs crossed. What a disservice done to us! And how about a whole generation or two of men, being pigeon-holed this way?

Good news! We’ve come a long way lately…

I recently sat down with Dr. Janah Boccio, a psychotherapist and sexologist, to talk about sex, romance, fantasies, aging, and expectations—and uncovered a lot of surprising truths about what men (especially over 50) actually want, and what older women think they want. 

Let’s dig into the disconnect, the data, and the good news.

Do Men Just Want Sex, or Are They Looking for More in Their Later Years?

Most older women assume that men just want sex. This is a belief so common that we don’t even question it. But when we do—when we talk to actual men, or even the mature men in our own lives—we learn something surprising: a lot of men are craving connection and emotional intimacy, especially in their later years.

That’s not to say older men don’t enjoy sex. They do. But the idea that men are only interested in sex—especially over 50—is one of those sad facts of life that’s been reinforced by decades of cultural messaging. 

The truth? Most mature men want to feel wanted. They want to be chosen, pursued, and desired just like we do.

They want romance. They want warmth. They want to be genuinely appreciated by someone who sees their full humanity.

Read some of the comments from MEN on a recent video I made about what men are really looking for:


As a mid-50s widower, who's had a few relationships since I lost my wife, I can tell you that (for me at least) I want a connection before I sleep with anyone.  The whole package is important - esp around trust.  As regards body issues, extremes are bad (way too overweight, or way too thin), but anything in the middle is fine, and this links back to the whole package piece.  I work hard to develop trust in relationships, and part of that is accepting all the other person is, physically, emotionally etc, and helping my partners relax in the bedroom makes for a better experience for both sides.  Most importantly, learn to laugh together whilst you are making love!

__

Honesty, the ability to express what she likes, and game enough to try some things HE wants. Hell, even a remote interest in what he wants would be a huge advantage over most heterosexual relationships.

__

As a 65M I want intimacy, I want to feel wanted.

What About All Those Sexual Fantasies About Young Women? 

Many women assume men fantasize about threesomes or being served by young women. And yes, some men might have those thoughts—but that doesn’t mean they necessarily want them to happen in real life. Imagine the pressure to perform!

Fantasies are often just that: fantasies. Most men admit the idea of more than one lady, while fun in theory, would be complicated in practice.

Fantasies are a healthy part of a person's sex life. And many fantasies are meant to live only in the realm of imagination. 

Most mature men are hoping to have an active sex life (in the first place) and are less focused on radical fantasies like multiple partners.

Are We Overestimating an Older Man's Interest in Looks and Underestimating Enthusiasm?

Another area where older women often misread men is around body image. Many of us assume men are focused on our cellulite, wrinkles, or soft bellies. But Dr. Boccio and I agree: if a man is in bed with you, he wants to be there.

And guess what he’s focused on? The warmth, the curves, the chemistry. Not the “flaws” we obsess over. Oh, and also he's thinking about his own "performance!"

We also tend to undervalue one of the biggest turn-ons for mature men: enthusiasm. Not performance. Not perfection. Just real, honest excitement to be with them.

It turns out the best thing you can bring to the bedroom isn’t a 30-year-old’s body—it’s a mature woman's confidence and sense of humor.

One man wrote:

Married for 33yrs.   Wife has wrinkles, rolls and marks.  Sexy is not a dress size.  Sexy is an attitude.    A real man doesn't care about the vain things people focus on.   If she's clean, smells nice, and feels good about herself, is most important.   As a man, I want honesty both ways of what we want and what turns us on.

Still not feeling attractive? Read this articleHow to Make Yourself More Attractive: 4 Practical Strategies.

Bottom line (pun intended): communication and enthusiasm are more of a turn-on than the size or look of whatever body part you are obsessing over!

Do Successful Men Only Want to Be Dominant?

Another juicy myth: that men always want to be dominant and in control.

In truth, some men do want to be in charge in the bedroom—but plenty of men are also fantasizing about being more on the receiving end. About being doted on. About being able to surrender control to a confident, mature woman who knows what she wants.

One man commented: 

I don’t think men need to be dominated, but ALWAYS being the one to initiate is exhausting, especially when it leads to rejection and eventually to a lack of desire to keep trying. When we were dating, my now wife would often drag me to the bedroom. After the vows, that stopped entirely.

Men want to be desired, and they want to know how to win with us. And this is where older women have the upper hand. We’ve lived. We’ve loved. We’ve raised kids, run businesses, survived heartbreak, and navigated complicated adult lives. We bring life experience, a strong sense of self, and a willingness to speak up about our needs.

Saying what you'd like (nicely and with no pressure) is greatly appreciated by most men! Taking charge can also be very sexy as long as you check in first.

Another advantage of maturity: We’re also more open-minded about trying different things—or saying "no, thank you" (kindly) to things we don’t want.

A healthy sex life includes both parties initiating and asking for what they want. It's a good idea for the woman to lead the way with this, since we really are in charge of consent and are usually the more emotionally intelligent.

What Surprises Men Most About Dating a Mature Woman?

When a younger man or even a man their own age starts dating an older woman, they’re often blown away by how grounded we are.

Game playing is exhausting! And we mature women are just too tired for it ;)

 
 

Because we can talk about things, we bring a level of intimacy (and conversation) many men say they’ve never had with younger women.

That’s our biggest advantage: we don’t waste time, and we don’t play games. We’re in the hunt for love, for companionship, and pleasure, and that’s what we also have to offer.

Mature women tend to make better decisions, speak their truth more freely, and know how to take good care of their own mental health. We’re not trying to impress anyone—we’re looking for equal partners and drama-free relationships. Hallelujah!

Do Older Women Feel Pressured to Perform in Bed?

Some do—but the general consensus is that most of us are done with that nonsense.

We spent our younger years trying to look perfect, act like a porn star, or keep up with impossible expectations. But as time passes, many older women shift their focus toward actual pleasure—our own and our partner’s. And now that kids are out of the house and job responsibilities are waning or well in hand, we have time and space!

And while we might still feel a little insecure from time to time (who doesn’t?), we’ve also learned to let go. Most mature women are not here to perform anymore. We’re here to have fun and to maximize pleasure for ourselves and our partners. Men don't mind this at all!

So… What Does a Mature Man Really Want?

Here’s the best news: a lot of men in our age group want exactly what we want.

They want to be truly wanted. They want mutual respect, emotional connection, a sense of humour, and yes—good sex that feels authentic and connected.

If you’re a single woman navigating the dating scene later in life, remember this: the most attractive thing about you is your realness. Your openness to your sexual needs, and his. Your courage to ask for what you want and say no to what you don’t.

That’s the best way to attract a man—whether he’s a middle-aged guy, a younger man, or an older partner—who wants something real, something honest, and something lasting.

If honest conversations about sex or anything else are hard for you, read this: Make Awkward Talks Less Painful with this 8-Step Awesome Cheat Sheet.


I'll leave you with this final summation from one of your male counterparts (one of my favorite comments on the video):

1. Men DON’T just care about sex. We want a partner that is excited to be there too (enthusiasm) and doesn’t look at it as something they HAVE to do

2. Men are not as concerned about how a woman’s body looks as the woman is. It’s not even close. We wouldn’t be there if we really cared, trust me. And you nailed it on the softness, warmth, and curves. That is what we love!

3. Communication is huge/everything

Rest assured, mature women--everything you need to attract a worthy man, you already have! 

Not sure exactly what YOU want from dating, or if you are ready? Watch my FREE webinar: "3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love"

Frequently Asked Questions About What Older Women Think Men Want

1. Do men over 50 still care about physical appearance?

Yes, but not in the way most women fear. Men care more about how you feel in your skin than whether you look like you did in your early 20s. Warmth, presence, and genuine enthusiasm are bigger turn-ons than flat abs. You too, should keep an open mind about what you consider attractive in an older man. Your tastes shouldn't be the same as in your early 20s.

2. Are mature men intimidated by confident older women?

Some might be, but most find confidence extremely attractive—especially if they've grown tired of dating younger women who aren’t emotionally mature. A mature woman who knows herself is often a refreshing change.

3. Do men want adventurous sex in their later years, or are they just happy to have any?

It depends on the man! Some want to explore new things; others are content with regular sex, connection and intimacy. The main thing is to have open conversations and make sure you're both having a good time.

4. What do women assume men want that might actually turn them off?

Trying too hard to be “wild” in bed, acting passive or overly agreeable, or pushing for a constant/fast erection could be no-no's depending on the man. There is no way to know what turns your man on or off without having an honest discussion about it. You just can't skip that!

5. Is it okay for a woman to want more sex than her partner?

Absolutely. Many women in their 50s and beyond experience a sexual reawakening. If you're in a committed relationship and your libido is higher, it's not a problem—it's a conversation.

And it's more common than you think. Having similar desires for frequency of sex (or a plan for how to handle it if not) is a good thing in a serious relationship, so talk about this while getting to know each other, so nobody is surprised.

Love,

 
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