Why Do Men Ghost: Some Important Coaching

If you've been ghosted, you're probably wrestling with hurt feelings, confusion, and maybe a little bit of self-blame. A sudden disappearing act after a promising first date or several flirty texts can leave even the generally confident among us reeling. And coming up with excuses to give up on love, NO!!

Ghosting is one of the worst parts of modern online dating. In the digital world of dating apps, disappearing without a word has become common enough to seem normal (but it isn’t, and it's not fun like this picture implies either).

A recent survey showed nearly 80% of people have experienced this confusing experience. The good news? There are healthy ways to metabolize and learn from the experience, making you a happier, healthier dater.

A real relationship with a high-quality guy could start with a little confusion, but never with outright ghosting.

The Most Common Reasons Men Ghost

Guys ghost for a variety of reasons. The main reason? Fear of confrontation. They might be too afraid to hurt your feelings or too emotionally underdeveloped to have an honest conversation about their real feelings. 

Avoidance behavior is easier than a difficult conversation.

The actual reason for ghosting might be different things:

✅ He started dating someone else and didn't want to admit it.

✅ He enjoyed the attention but never had serious intentions.

✅ He was scared off by signs of a serious commitment.

✅ He discovered something about you that was a dealbreaker for him.

✅ He worried you'd discover something about him and reject him: a medical condition, living situation, current romantic commitment, or even just poor communication skills.

✅ He just likes the chase, is a serial ghoster who vanishes the next morning to pursue the next girl and the thrill of novelty.

Online dating makes this behavior easier. In real life, ghosting a mutual friend or someone in your circle might feel shameful. But online? It's easy to forget there's a real person on the other side of that text message.

It’s Not About You—And You Didn’t Do Anything Wrong

This is your reminder: if a guy ghosts, it's not about you. Even if it felt like a great first date. Even if you had long phone calls and a real connection. Even if the whole time he seemed like a new love interest with real potential.

When someone disappears off the face of the earth, it says more about their commitment issues than your desirability. As a dating coach and someone who works with all personality types, I've seen this again and again. Men ghost not because of something you did, but because of something they couldn’t do: show up to have the next honest conversation.

It’s okay to feel disappointed. But don’t make up stories about how you weren’t enough.

Even if He Didn't Say Goodbye, You Say Goodbye

I have an important caveat. Sometimes we think we've been ghosted, and it's NOT the case.

Men are notoriously bad at reading minds, and sometimes they just do not know how much or what forms of communication we want. Sometimes they really need help coming clean about where their heads are at, and we can help!

I always suggest that my clients give a ghoster one last chance to safely provide feedback and an explanation for where they disappeared to. Here's where you get to practice your "playful voice," keep yourself in control, and learn the most from your dating experiences!

A text like: 

"Hi! I'm observing a fall-off in communications :) Was it something I said? I know it's early days and I have no grounds for any particular expectation, but I'd love the healthfully "move on" if this isn't feeling like a match for you. I have a "no ghosting" policy myself, so let me just say this: I've enjoyed getting to know you but if I don't hear from you about future plans in the next 48 hours I will assume you don't feel the same and I'll wish you the best of luck from afar."

Obviously, you'll have to put this in your own words, but the point is to be playful, non-shaming, and meant to encourage some communication. If the fellow was worried you weren't interested (it happens); he waited too long (and is embarrassed about it) or feels insecure in some way, this type of communication could revive him. Or if he is just a flake and lost track of you, but is interested, this may bring him back.

By telling him your next steps (letting go in 48 hours) it creates a real consequence for him that will inspire action one way or another. By being kind and communicative, you also inspire him to do the same --bonus for his karma! Even if he wasn't interested or found someone "better," this text could nudge him to say some words that will help you get closure.

However, even with this last lifeline, some men will still truly disappear without a trace. Good. They saved you the trouble of an awkward break-up.

Change Your Mindset: Ghosting Is a Gift in Disguise

If he ghosted, he was not your person. Period. His disappearance is your clarity. You dodged an emotional burden, a toxic relationship, or months of guessing games.

STOP FALLING FOR GUYS WHO SAY BUT DO NOT DO THE THINGS YOU WANT.

It’s hard not to take ghosting personally when the guy seemed so interested. But in the dating app world, words are often just sales pitches. Actions are the follow-through. Ghosts are the ultimate bad sales reps—slick with the flirty texts but gone when it's time for follow-through. 

REMEMBER: You don't want those guys anyway!

For more on avoiding riff-raff you might like the Burned Haystack Method.

Mental Health Tip: Bench Yourself for a Bit

If you find yourself devastated after a ghosting (or 4), it's a good idea to pause. Take a break from online dating for a bit. Focus on mental health, meeting friends, and potential partners in real life, and self-worth.

Spend less time on social media and apps and more time getting yourself healthy and happy. Go for walks. Exercise. Do your favorite things. Get a haircut. Journal. Reflect on the type of romantic relationship you want. Start dreaming again.

You want to choose the last love of your life from a place of groundedness, self-trust, and self-love!

How to Ghost-Proof Your Dating Life

Ghosting doesn’t have to be a pattern. You can build filters to protect yourself. 

Start with these questions you ask yourself from the get-go:

✅ What do his actions tell you?

✅ Do you feel comfortable enough for honest communication? Are you making him comfortable?

✅ Is there consistent follow-up, or do you find yourself wondering what he thinks the next day?

Are you willing to trust your instincts when something feels off?

In the early stages of dating, it’s tempting to make excuses. But the only way to get to a long-term relationship is by walking away when the red flags show up—even small ones.

You have 2 choices: cut it off when you start the get a sense it's not moving in the right direction or simply don't be upset if he does, even if by ghosting. You can't mess it up with the one, so regardless of who calls the shot, it's best for both of you.

You Don’t Need to Be Chosen—You Need to Choose

A big mistake women in midlife make is wanting every man they meet to like them, as if it's some sort of affirmation of worth. In reality, most of us want one special relationship with one special person, not to be "loved by all." 

One of the most powerful shifts I coach my clients to make is this: You don't need to be chosen. You get to focus on the people who align with your vision of a quality relationship. You get to choose. 

Anyone who doesn't choose you simply isn't meant to be yours. Something better is coming.

Clear the Ghosts to Make Room for the Right One

The next time you feel the urge to reach out one more time after that last text I suggested, pause. Sometimes the only thing left to do is let go. Walk away with your dignity intact.

Ghosting hurts. But such behavior reveals the truth: he wasn’t capable of having a tough conversation or was afraid of serious commitment.

And you? You're done accepting less.

Don't be spooked by ghosting. Ghosting isn’t the end. It’s the beginning of choosing better.

Frequently Asked Questions About Being Ghosted

1. Should I follow up after being ghosted, or just move on?

I suggest you send one final message for closure, but don’t expect a response. The fear of confrontation that led to ghosting is unlikely to resolve itself, no matter how awesome you are about it, but you'll feel better if you take every possible action to lead to closure and give people a chance to be their best.

2. Can there be a good reason for ghosting?

Occasionally, yes—personal issues like a medical condition, family crisis, or mental health emergency can cause someone to pull back. But the right thing to do is still to communicate, even briefly. Temporary ghosting is a red flag, but not necessarily a deal-breaker.

3. Why do guys ghost even when things seem to be going well?

They may have different expectations than what they conveyed, they may struggle with trust issues, or fear commitment. For some, it’s about avoidant attachment style; for others, it’s just poor communication skills.

4. Should I take a break from dating apps after being ghosted?

Yes, if you feel drained. A break helps you reset and come back with more clarity. Just because the last guy wasn't a match doesn't mean anything about the next guy. Each guy deserves an open heart and mind, so be sure you're in the right mindset. Sometimes a break can really help with that.

5. Is there any way to prevent being ghosted?

While there’s no foolproof method, the best protection is early clarity. Make sure you are being clear (though playful) about what you want and encouraging him to do the same, so if you are not aligned, he's more likely to tell you, vs disappear. Pay attention to actions and consistency. If something feels off, trust your intuition. Sometimes you know when you're losing him, you just don't want to admit it. And sometimes you wish he'd go away, but you're too chicken to say so, and he can feel it and goes on his own. Dodged a bullet.

Check out my blog called: 5 Tips to Avoid Being Ghosted.

Love,