Living Apart Together: Is It the Right Choice for You?

A version of this was previously published on Sixty and Me

The number one concern I hear from many daters is: there are not enough eligible people where I live. My heart goes out to you. It's enough to make you give up altogether.

On the other hand, I meet happy couples every day who started (or even remained) in a long-distance relationship. This is great news, folks.

Many of us over 50 daters are willing or even desiring to move, for the right opportunity, but even if you are very attached to where you live because of an active career, where your kids and grandkids live, or other emotional or financial factors, hope is not lost! 

People who live together aren't always blissfully happy! Maybe you've done the full-time cohabitation thing before and watched it slowly drain the romance out of everything. Or maybe you just know yourself well enough to know that you need your own space to thrive.

Enter a seemingly new phenom: LAT relationships (living apart together!)

Here's what I want you to know: choosing not to share a living room does not mean you're choosing not to commit. A growing number of couples are deliberately maintaining separate households while building deeply committed romantic relationships. For many older women, it turns out to be not a compromise, but a revelation.

What "Living Apart Together" Actually Means

Living apart together refers to couples in a committed romantic relationship who intentionally maintain their own homes rather than cohabit full time. These are not long-distance relationships; LAT partners often live in the same area, see each other regularly, and consider themselves fully committed. The defining feature is that each person keeps their own living space by choice.

The term was coined by Dutch journalist Michel Berkiel in the 1970s, the arrangement is far from new. What is new is that researchers are finally paying serious attention to it. A 2024 study published in The Journals of Gerontology found that among older adults moving out of singlehood, choosing a LAT relationship is far more common than moving straight into marriage or cohabitation, and that people in LAT relationships report better mental health than those who are single.

If you want a solid framework for evaluating whether a potential partner truly meets your needs before you make any major decisions about your relationship, my free webinar on the 3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love gives you exactly that. Genuine compatibility has to come first, regardless of which living arrangement you choose.

Why Older Adults Are Choosing Separate Homes

For older people who have already raised adult children, navigated divorce, or spent decades accommodating someone else's habits, the appeal of keeping your own space is not hard to understand. , Social psychologist Samantha Joel, whose research focuses on decision-making in romantic relationships, has noted that honoring individual needs, not just feelings of love, is what determines whether a relationship structure actually works long-term.

Some of the main reasons LAT couples over 50 choose this living arrangement:

✅ Personal space and independence they've worked hard to build
✅ Different sleep schedules and living styles that genuinely conflict
✅ Financial pressures or protecting assets after a previous marriage
✅ Adult children or family life that makes full cohabitation complicated
✅ A desire to keep quality time feeling chosen rather than obligatory

This isn't avoidance. For many couples, it's clarity. If you've been carrying old relationship patterns into your decisions without realizing it, understanding your real motivations matters. Think about it.

The Real Benefits of Keeping Separate Households

One of the biggest myths about LAT relationships is that physical separation signals emotional distance. Many LAT partners report the opposite. When you're not managing daily friction (e.g. whose turn it is to deal with something, whose stuff is where), you often show up for each other with more patience and genuine desire.

When you choose to spend time together rather than defaulting into it, there's intention behind it. And intention is one of the most powerful ingredients in any successful long-term relationship.

Benefits LAT couples consistently report:

✅ Stronger emotional connection because time together is chosen
✅ Better sexual relationships: the right amount of alone time actually works
✅ Less conflict over day-to-day domestic friction
✅ Genuine honoring of each person's individual needs
✅ A stronger sense of self, which makes you a better romantic partner

The same study referenced earlier found that when older singles do repartner, they're far more likely to move into a LAT relationship than straight into marriage or cohabitation, and LAT is linked to better mental health than staying single.

The Main Challenges You Cannot Ignore

Physical separation, even just across town, can create emotional distance if you're not intentional about it. You have to be explicit about how much time you'll spend together, what your expectations are, and where things are headed. LAT relationships don't let you coast on proximity.

Common challenges LAT couples face:

✅ Harder to build shared routines and a sense of "us."
✅ Can feel isolated during illness or difficult periods
✅ Social pressure from people who don't see this as a "real" commitment
✅ Requires explicit agreements that cohabiting couples often leave unspoken

Understanding what real compatibility looks like before committing to any structure is foundational. And the 8-step communication framework I teach becomes even more essential in a LAT relationship, because you cannot paper over communication problems with the assumption that proximity equals connection.

This is also where the self-awareness work that makes or breaks relationships becomes non-negotiable. The skills required to sustain a LAT relationship, clear communication, emotional honesty, and explicit expectations, are the same skills that sustain any committed romantic relationship. The difference is that a LAT arrangement strips away all the shortcuts.

Long-Term Reality or Comfortable Holding Pattern?

Here's a question I hear often: Is a LAT relationship genuinely long-term, or is it a way to avoid a harder commitment?

The honest answer: it depends entirely on whether both people are choosing it, or one person is settling.

For younger adults, LAT arrangements are often temporary, such as different cities for work, financial pressures, or early-stage relationships. For older women who have already built lives and a strong sense of self, the calculus is different. Many have already done the full-time cohabitation version of a committed relationship. Choosing to keep what they've built while also building a rich, intimate relationship is not a lesser choice.

That said, separate homes don't exempt you from needing real alignment on values, emotional needs, and physical connection. If one of those 3 is being chronically ignored, physical distance just gives you more space to pretend everything's fine.

How to Know If This Is the Right Choice for You

Not every woman over 50 who wants her own space should default to this arrangement. Ask yourself these first things:

✅ Am I choosing this because it genuinely serves the relationship, or because I'm avoiding something?
✅ Do my partner and I have the same understanding of where this is going?
✅ Are we spending time together in a way that actually builds a deep connection?
✅ Do I have the communication skills to make explicit what proximity would leave implicit?

As a dating coach, I've seen women thrive in LAT relationships when they choose them from a place of strength, and struggle when they drift into them from conflict-aversion or fear. Dutch journalist Michel Berkiel described LAT as a response to the tension between wanting a deep connection and wanting real autonomy. That tension hasn't disappeared.

The question isn't whether LAT relationships are valid. They absolutely are. The real question is whether you and your partner have the self-knowledge and honest communication to make it genuinely work, rather than using separate spaces as a comfortable way to sidestep the deeper work a committed relationship requires.

Those questions are worth sitting with. And if you want a structured way to work through them, along with the other fundamentals that determine whether a relationship has real staying power, that is exactly what the webinar below covers:

Frequently Asked Questions about Living Apart Together Relationships

What is a LAT relationship?

A LAT relationship is a committed romantic relationship in which both partners choose to maintain their own separate homes. It differs from a long-distance relationship in that the couple typically lives in the same area, sees each other regularly, and the arrangement is a deliberate choice rather than a logistical limitation.

Does living apart together actually work for older couples, or is it just a workaround?

It can work extremely well, provided both people are choosing it rather than defaulting into it. Research on older adults finds that those in LAT relationships report meaningfully better mental health than those who are single, and that once someone moves out of singlehood, LAT is a far more common landing spot than marriage or cohabitation. The arrangement works when it comes from clarity and mutual choice, not when it's used to avoid a harder conversation about commitment.

Can a LAT relationship become a genuine long-term commitment?

Many LAT couples maintain this arrangement for years or permanently by mutual choice. What makes it work is that both partners are deliberately choosing it, have aligned expectations, and invest in quality time and communication rather than relying on proximity.

What are the main challenges of living apart together?

The biggest challenges are communication demands, the potential for emotional distance if the relationship is not actively tended, and social pressure from others. LAT partners also need to be explicit about expectations that cohabiting couples often leave unspoken.

How do I know if a LAT relationship is right for me?

Start by being honest about your reasons. If separate homes genuinely allow you both to show up better in the relationship, that is a healthy foundation. If you are choosing it to avoid deeper commitment or harder conversations, that is worth examining with a coach before you proceed.

Love,