5 Questions to Ask to Know If You're Ready for a Committed Relationship
It’s not marriage…but, deciding to get committed is a big step!
You’re taking yourself off the market and that is a real risk.
So, make sure you’ve done your homework!
Ask and answer these 5 questions:
1. Do you feel loved and adored?
If you are already making excuses for the person in early dating about why they do not show enough interest, see you enough or give you the affection you desire: this is NOT a good sign! Abort the mission!
2. Does the other person feel loved and adored?
If they are already complaining that they do not feel loved and adored in early dating it’s the same red flag as above. It’s not a match. Abort the mission!
3. Do your lives intertwine relatively seamlessly?
Ask yourself what you want to achieve and experience in different areas of your life, such as career, education, living situation and personal growth. Do you two match up on your plans for how to intertwine your lives? People step over glaring red flags here and live to regret it.
If the most important things you want from life do not go together like peanut butter and jelly, abort the mission!
4. Are you attracted?
Attraction can grow over time. But a few dates is enough to test this out. If you aren’t attracted after a few dates, and kissing, abort the mission! This is not your person.
5. Do you both want a committed relationship?
Simple, but oh so important to clarify! OMG, please tell the truth about this. It’s now or never, and so much harder to back out once you are committed!
To drill down further on whether or not the person you are dating might be a true partner, you will want to use the 3H rubric I lay out in my free webinar, “3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love without Repeated Disappointments” .
Love, Laurie
FAQ: When can you ask for commitment?
As soon as someone is getting 8 or above on a scale of 1-10 in all 3H categories: head, heart and hoo-ha; and they’d say the same for you, and you’ve determined you are both looking for long term commitment, you can ask for commitment. Read this blog for the steps to take to establish monogamy.
FAQ: How do you tell someone you want commitment?
Very carefully. Just kidding. It’s okay to tell someone you want a commitment, especially if you have been following my advice and advised them within your first 3 dates that you were in the market for a long term commitment. But there is a way to bring it up so it doesn’t feel needy or pushy. And that is by framing it properly and lightly.
First, get clear why you want commitment. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable having sex until you are monogamous, or you don’t feel comfortable with someone in your home or around your kids unless the commitment is there. That’s a good reason to establish monogamy and commitment. If the person you are dating wants to move forward with you, if they are serious, and if you meet their criteria too, they’ll be happy to discuss monogamy. If not, red flag city! See my blog on the exact 4 steps to establishing monogamy.
FAQ: Can attraction grow over time?
You might not be ready to commit to a relationship if the attraction just isn’t there yet. I get it. That’s a tricky one. Chemistry can grow over time, from a level 6 to an 8. If your chemistry is below an 6, abort the mission. Here are my ideas for getting chemistry up from a 6 to an 8 or above:
try kissing (this is only 50% effective, but it’s worth a try.)
try guiding the kissing (if you don’t like the kissing, say “this is how I like it” and show him how, ask him to do the same).
offer a makeover (you have to frame this using the Art of a Difficult Conversation.)
in a very kind way, tell him your issues like I mentioned in this blog “Should I give a guy I wasn’t attracted to a 2nd chance?”
FAQ: What if I don’t know how I feel?
You may not be asking enough of the right questions, or revealing enough of yourself to feel really comfortable or sure about the person. On the rating scale of 1-10, an “I don’t know” is a 6.5 and I don’t suggest going on a 4th date with anyone who gets that low of a rating, so it’s definitely an indicator you should NOT commit.
FAQ: What if I don’t know how they feel?
If someone is really “into you” they will show it by continuing to ask you out, paying attention to you and what you say you want, and by trying to get to know you better. If that’s not happening, you can be assured you are not measuring up to THEIR 3H criteria. The best way to know where you stand is to ask, in a very light, open-hearted way. First say you’re feeling confused and unsure about how they feel. Say how you feel, and then let them know you’d prefer the truth to any BS, but ask them to tell you how they feel.