Get Your Baggage out of Your Dating Life With This Exercise 🙃

If you have been working hard at dating or even just on yourself, to change your past patterns and you haven’t found success there may be a very important step you are overlooking.

When I work with clients to “fix their pickers”--that it is to say to try and understand why they pick as they do and how they might fall for a “new type” of person–I use a very specific exercise to get to the heart of the matter.

First you need to be acquainted with your 3H’s.

Meet the 3 voters inside each of us: Heart, Head and Hoo-ha. You need to know what each "H" needs and wants in order to understand how you’ve been picking and how to pick better next time.

1) Head- This is about what you need on a practical level to have the relationship work. Ask yourself what’s important to you structurally in how you run your life. What enables you to intertwine your life logistically and intellectually with another person?

2) Heart- Things need to feel good. Heart cares about what you need on an emotional level. What you need with regard to sensitivity, listening, intimacy, your favorite things.  What do you CARE about emotionally? How do you want to feel with the person?

3) Hoo-ha- This is about chemistry. What do you need on a physical level? The hoo-ha care about butterflies– how they look, how they kiss, the attraction level.

Most people think they have to settle for 1 or 2 of the H’s being satisfactory–as if you have to sacrifice in order to be with someone. Most of us do not look for or even believe in the whole package.

Maybe you  go “all in” for “hoo-ha,” then get hurt and swing on over to listening only to your “head” and get bored to tears. What a pendulum swing, and pendulums have momentum so they tend to keep swinging back and forth.

If you’ve been sacrificing one or more of the H’s t’s time to get to the bottom of how and why you do it.

This is where I give my clients “The Dating History” Assignment:

Make a chart of all your past major loves. (Shout out to The Handel Method® for this exercise!)

• How long were you with them?

• What was great about it?

• Why did you get together?

• Why did you break up?/What wasn’t so great?

• Who broke up?

• Was there any cheating or lying during or at the end?

• What’s the pattern here? And how does it relate to your parent’s patterns?

Lastly, If you were rating on a scale from 1-10 what would each relationship get for Head, Heart and Hoo-ha?

Click here to download your own Relationship History Worksheet.

Did you do it? What did you learn?

Once you write this out in black and white it is much harder to escape the truth. And if you want to make sure you never repeat the same mistakes I suggest this…

Write up “a manifesto” about what you learned about how you sell-out and what your rules will be going forward and tell all your friends and family so they hold you accountable.

If you can’t afford a coach, join my highly-affordable group coaching through Master the Art of Love and you’ll get step by step guidance and community support. I communicate daily in our private group to advise you on dating issues as they arise in real time! 

Dating effectively really is a team sport!

Love,