The Problem with "Love Languages" in Early Dating

Have you ever found yourself at the end of an exhausting fight, shocked that after trying your best to express love, your partner felt… just the opposite?

It’s like showing up to pay with rupees, only to find the store only takes rubles. So close, and yet, so far.

Bad news—you can’t get what you want.

Good news—both are money!

In romantic relationships, both people usually want to express affection, but you may be spending in the wrong currency—or misreading what your partner is offering.

It took my husband and me many tries to figure this one out. After he surprised me with seven gifts—without asking what I wanted—and got only lukewarm appreciation in return, he realized that receiving gifts was not my preferred love language.

To really make me feel seen, he has to offer me quality time and his full attention.

Meanwhile, he feels incredibly loved when I do a chore for him—bring or make him food, clean up something that’s his responsibility, or run an errand for him. These acts of service don’t come naturally to me, but I do them because I know they’re the best way to make my partner feel appreciated.

And here’s the twist: he’s always doing acts of service for me, but they often go unnoticed. I didn’t ask for them, I didn’t think I needed them, and even though they make my life easier, I miss them as expressions of love.

How disappointing for him.

I express love easily through quality time and deep listening—neither of which are top priority for my busy, introverted husband. So, how do we make it work when we have such different love languages?

Here’s what helped us:

1. Understand that different people express and receive love in different ways

Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, became a cultural phenomenon in the United States for a reason. His work, based on decades as a family therapist in North Carolina, outlines five main love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and receiving gifts.

Different people express affection in different ways—and their love language preferences may not match yours.

How you express love and how you prefer receiving love are often the same, but not always. I’ve rarely met romantic partners who are perfectly aligned in both. That’s where the real work begins: learning to speak your partner’s love language while also honoring your own.

2. Learn your partner's primary language for expressing love

I now recognize that my husband expresses love through acts of service.

 He knows I’m expressing love when I carve out time and focus just on him. Understanding your partner’s primary love language can dramatically improve emotional connection and relationship satisfaction. It did for us. We now recognize love coming at us when it is. 

3. Learn how to speak each other’s language

Receiving love is huge. Giving it is equally important. Even if it doesn’t come naturally, a heartfelt commitment to learn your partner’s language is a must to meet each other's emotional needs. 

I don’t wake up wanting to run errands for my husband, and he’d much rather keep moving than sit and talk—but we do it anyway. It’s part of the rituals we've designed to keep our relationship humming at a high frequency.  I think we appreciate each other even more, because we know the other one is making an extra effort to speak our language.

If you've ever been to a foreign country and bothered to learn a few phrases, you've probably noticed, the locals feel honored and respected by that. It works with partners too.

4. Don’t judge different languages

All expressions of love work. Some may not even be on your radar, and that’s fine. In my relationship, either of us needs a lot of physical touch. We both like kind words and a verbal “I love you” here and there, but those aren’t our main avenues for expression.

Whether you’re in a long-term marriage, just starting out with a new partner, or navigating long-distance relationships, the concept of love languages needs to be continuously addressed, as they can change.  Thank you, Dr. Chapman, for defining the most common love language patterns and giving us a framework for deeper emotional connection.  The idea of love languages is evolving and more types are being discovered as we speak. Don't get too attached to the basic 5. Stay flexible.

Don’t judge your own love language, or your partner’s. Just get curious. Seek to understand.

Feelings of love are the bedrock of healthy relationships, and communicating what you need is a key skill to develop. Are you good in that department?

If not, I can help.

Want practical application, not just theory?

Join my free webinar: Master the Art of Love
👉 www.lauriegerber.com/webinar

✅ Learn how to express what you are looking for

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You’re not too late. You’re right on time.

Frequently Asked Questions About Love Languages

1. What’s the best way to learn my partner’s love language without making it awkward?

Watch how they express love. Are they always offering a back rub (physical touch)? Cleaning the house (acts of service)? Leaving notes (words of affirmation)? That’s your clue. If you want to ask directly, try: “What’s one thing I do that makes you feel really loved?” It’s a soft entry into a deeper conversation.

2. Can people have more than one love language?

Absolutely. Most people have a primary language and a secondary one. And those preferences can shift over different times in life, especially during stress, transition, or recovery from relationship problems.

3. What if my partner refuses to speak my preferred love language?

That’s not just a mismatch—it could signal bigger relationship issues. Make a heartfelt commitment to speak clearly about your emotional needs. If your partner still resists, it’s worth having an honest conversation (maybe with a good friend or coach) about next steps.

4. Do love languages apply in long-distance relationships?

Yes—and they might matter even more. Without physical presence, romantic partners must rely on verbal expressions of love, thoughtful messages, small acts of service, and planning time together on video calls. Long-distance relationships thrive on emotional connection and effort.

5. Is love language theory supported by science or just pop culture?

Chapman’s love language theory started as anecdotal but has gained traction in academic circles. A recent study mentioned in the Washington Post found a strong link between love language alignment and relationship satisfaction. More data is emerging all the time, but even now, it’s a useful tool for building better relationships.

Love,