3 Do’s and Don’ts of Online Dating Banter
When you first spot someone on a dating app and your interest is piqued, the next big step is kicking off some fun, flirty banter. Since they can’t read your body language, your online banter has to carry all the weight of making that initial spark happen.
No matter who makes the first move, mastering small talk online is your best way to get to the video chat I recommend—and eventually, a first date that you actually look forward to.
✅DO #1: Be Yourself
If you go through my "Sparks Questions" process, you'll already have a list of questions unique to you and what you want to learn about the other person. Add to that understanding your assets, plus a few fun, great stories and experiences that exemplify your life, and you have all the fodder you need.
Banter that feels genuine builds emotional attraction and starts the right vibe, so do not be generic, be as YOU as possible.
Here are some examples of banter that only the specific person could write vs. generic.
CASE STUDY:
❌GENERIC
Him: How was your day?
Her: Fine, thanks. How was yours?
✅UNIQUE
Him: How was your day?
Her: I'm still not over the hilarious thing my dog did, and I found out my daughter is pregnant again-so those were highlights. Otherwise, just the usual--volunteer work and gardening. I guess a near-perfect day, and you?
See what I did there, in the unique version? While still brief, I put in lots of revealing detail plus a clear hook to make it easy for him to ask about the dog, the daughter, the work, the gardening, or just answer how he is.
✅DO #2: Use Humor in Your Online Dating Banter
Everyone has a sense of humor, even you. You must let it shine through in the banter. Since the banter stage is very limited, you really want to use it to be charming, witty, and light, while simultaneously getting some key questions answered and learning more about this potential match.
Banter-related humor includes self-deprecating humor, playful teasing, and simple, witty banter.
Some caveats:
1) If you have more of a taste for dark humor, save it for in-person. It just communicates better live vs on text.
2) Sometimes, tone is really hard to interpret in text vs. in real life. It's possible you could think you are being funny, and actually you are being offensive. You can poke fun at someone in person with a certain tone and body language, and it will be considered all in good fun, but doing it over text can get you in trouble.
CASE STUDY:
Funny text banter exchange:
HIM: What are you up to today?
✅YOU: After my morning walk, I'll be entertaining the needs of my delightful grandkids for a spell, before settling in to decompress with The Saturday crossword (yes, I save the hardest one for decompression time) and a tall glass of iced tea. How do you like to decompress?
See what I did there: So many hints of what you like to do, how you spend your day, and you keep the banter going by asking a question that's a direct answer to what you said. If he doesn't answer or disregards all your clues and hooks, he's not reading, and he's not your guy.
✅DO #3: Keep the Online Banter Momentum Going
Keep it moving along. Awkward silences, just like in real life, are not a great sign that a deeper connection is being formed.
Don’t disappear without warning or drag it out forever. The "numbers game" in online dating means you want to move from texting to something more real—like a video chat—within two weeks. Otherwise, you risk becoming pen pals and losing that spark before you even meet.
So once you are ready to start bantering with people online, make sure you've set aside the time, at least 1 hour per day (without resentment) to keep all the threads going and make sure nobody feels blown off, unless that's your intention!
❌DON’T #1: Let It Online Dating Banter Go On Too Long
Conversation momentum is important. If your banter stretches past two weeks without progressing, it’s time to rethink. Online dating is about meeting potential dates in real life, not trading endless texts. Don't get stuck in message purgatory.
Some single men really are lonely and looking for the thrill of a fun back-and-forth, or just need attention versus a real connection. Others are truly NOT ready to date but think it's a good idea to get their feet wet by attempting banter.
If you still like the connection that's forming through the banter, no dealbreakers have been revealed, and the person seems interested, before the 2-week point, use this line: "I'd love to hop on a 10-minute video chat to see if we have chemistry."
This scares away anyone who isn't interested in moving to an in-person date and gives an earnest man the challenge of a video chat. This is the way to find out quickly how serious/smitten they are with you, and in fact, to find out if you have chemistry!
No need to carry on an online banter for more than 2 weeks without knowing for sure that he looks like his pictures and is interested enough to show up to the video chat!
Want to learn more about avoiding dating fatigue and frustration? Watch my free webinar!
You will learn:
The biggest mistake women make that prevents them from finding love over 50
The 3 Essential Ingredients to finding a suitable companion for long-term commitment
To implement the 3-date strategy to find your soulmate in WAY less dates.
❌DON’T #2: Lie or Mislead in Your Online Dating Banter
Text banter before meeting in a video or live is for getting to know each other better, not for a PR campaign. Be true to yourself--your experiences, preferences, and sense of humor--not mine or ChatGPT's or anyone else's. It's just as valuable to scare someone off during the banter stage as it is to move them to the next stage of getting to know you.
Careful when you text, it might send the wrong message about how serious you are about finding love, vs a hook-up. Texting at 3 AM might seem harmless, but it sends the wrong message if you want a serious relationship. The best times to text? Early morning or evening hours—think 7–9 AM or 6–9 PM—when people’s attention spans are focused on socializing and personal matters.
Obviously, don't send pictures that aren't actually you, but you knew that!
❌DON’T #3: Become Their Therapist
Some men are just looking for short-term companionship, not a romantic partner. Everyone needs someone to listen to them, especially if they are having a hard time, and not everyone can afford a therapist or feels good about using one.
If you find yourself offering emotional support to someone who isn’t serious about finding love, or if they have emotional needs you just aren't qualified to handle, set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You'll know after 2 weeks whether or not he is interested in learning about you, as a love interest, from his questions back to you. If after 2 weeks he is not interested in a video chat, it's time to move on.
Don't become their therapist to a lonely man. Your life is full, and though you'd probably be good at it, it's not what you want.
You are not there to be a best friend or a therapist to another lonely single. Stay focused.
Getting Beyond Small Talk
Online dating banter can feel like a whole skill set you didn’t know you had to learn—but it’s the easiest way to show the real you before you commit to meeting a person in real life. It's also a great way to sneakily and playfully find out how the other person communicates and if any dealbreakers are present before investing time in a video chat or live date.
Keep it playful, honest, and purposeful, and you’ll have a good chance of moving to the next step if the person is actually right for you.
More on how to flirt online here.
FAQs: Online Dating Banter
How do I keep the conversation going without it feeling forced?
The key is to lean into common interests and use playful banter that feels natural to you. Think of it like a dance — take turns asking questions, sharing stories, and teasing lightly. If you find yourself facing too many awkward silences, it might be a sign to switch topics or ask about something meaningful to him. Keeping an open mind and a goofy response ready can save a stalled chat.
What if I don’t get a video chat invitation after days of messaging?
If the conversation is going well but there’s no invitation to move forward (like a video chat), it’s okay to suggest it yourself. This helps avoid turning into pen pals and shows you’re interested in a real person, not just texting for texting’s sake. Remember, online dating is a numbers game, but quality always beats quantity.
How much should I reveal about my past relationships during banter?
It’s best to keep things light and positive at this early stage. You don’t need to dive into your entire track record of past relationships or red flags on a first message or two. Save the deeper stuff for when you meet in person or have a video chat, where tone and nonverbal communication can help you read each other better.
How do I spot red flags in banter?
Pay close attention if your potential date shows a lack of effort, avoids answering questions, or turns the conversation into a vent session where you feel like their therapist. It's also the place to ask questions about your dealbreakers and simply learn if the person fits your criteria.
Can humor really help with emotional attraction?
Absolutely! A little humor helps create emotional ease and shows you don’t take yourself too seriously. If he's laughing, you are connecting and becoming memorable.
Love,
