Avoid the Top 3 Relationship Pitfalls: Holiday Edition
No two people conceive of vacations the same way. No two people want the same thing from their holiday. Have you discussed what’s most important to your partner, in a calm moment?
If you haven’t, you can expect these 3 outcomes:
People won’t get what they want and need.
You’ll be more stressed leading up to and reacclimating after your trip.
The things that work when you’re at home will be discarded while you’re away, and you’ll regret it.
Of course, I learned all this the hard way from years of vacations I needed vacations from! Feel me? If you are already having communication issues in your relationship, it will be even harder to avoid the pitfalls-- but there is a way to intervene.
IMAGINE IT
For a moment, just close your eyes, and imagine what you want the holiday to be like. Get in touch with the reason you decided to go somewhere, see others, or celebrate something. What’s important to you about it? What do you want to make sure to experience? Get really clear on that, and WRITE IT DOWN! Your vision is important, and so is everyone else’s!
Here is where a little bit of nerdiness can go a long way…
CALL A FAMILY MEETING
In our family, we have a tradition of the pre-holiday planning meeting, where everyone gets to put in their ideas for what’s important, and we organize it into a spreadsheet.
Yup, it’s mostly about food and activities for the kids, but other topics include: times when people need to work or keep therapy appointments, times people want one-on-one time with someone else in the family, or special outings one person wants to share with the group.
This is also the time when a person who may feel like they have too much of the responsibility (say with cooking, cleaning, decorating, or childcare) can ask for help from others in the group and line it up! An “airing of the grievances” from past years is invaluable here.
Imagine everyone getting what they need for the holidays!
We end up with a shared cloud spreadsheet that lists meals and activities, for each day, that anyone can access and suggest changes to. Over the course of our time together as a family, we update the sheet or decide not to do certain things, but having the sheet means we’re working with a loose plan and a written record of what people said they wanted. Everyone is heard, and everyone is accountable...because there is a written account!
This gives a better chance that everyone will get their needs met, and it relieves so much of the anxiety that usually precedes a holiday.
Speaking of the lead up to the holiday, one of the biggest pitfalls of holidays is being in denial that they’re coming.
TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT TIME
Instead of starting to slow our work and chores down a week or two before, we just try to cram it all in before we go, sometimes adding even more because we know we’ll be away, instead of subtracting other responsibilities to make time for packing, family planning, lining up dog sitters etc. And then guess who gets stressed out and acts like a jerk? You!
The same thing happens on the return. We cram in more because we feel bad we’ve been away, instead of planning less to make time for extra laundry, unpacking, a very needy doggie, and likely some jet lag!
It took me until my 40s to learn to leave on a Sunday, and return on Saturday, ensuring some buffer days for homecare and packing/unpacking--but if you are really smart, you will try a different pace for a full 2 weeks before and after a week away. It’s just more honest about how to stay sane, and make the wind up and wind down from holidays as pleasant as the holidays themselves.
Last but not least, holidays seem to trigger a desire to party.
LIMIT DEBAUCHERY
Yummy, unhealthy food and drink are how most cultures celebrate, and I am all for it-- in moderation. Unfortunately, what I would normally do is excessively overeat the whole time, skip exercise, and stop having sex with my man over the holidays-- and that’s just too much change to a system that normally works!
I suggest modest, designed debauchery-- for example, 1 dessert/day, 1-2 drinks max/day, and keep having date night and sex with your partner --yup, even if you are in someone else’s home. Extra childcare is available if you talk through coverage turns! No excuses!
Who do you need to share this newsletter with so they can get on board with your plans for success? DO IT! I wish you the yummiest of holidays!
