LaurieGerber.com Blog
CommunicationHow Do I Get a Man to Talk to me? 5 Great Ways to Make a Conversation Flow
July 31, 2025
Ever been on a date and felt like you were pulling teeth just to get a man to speak in full sentences? You’re asking all the questions, throwing out cues, and all you get is... “It was fine.”
If you haven't watched The Residence on Netflix, run, don't walk. Not only is it a seriously fun whodunnit, it also gives a super good example of how to get a person talking, but more on that below.
One spoiler: this detective is an AMAZING listener! True listening is perhaps the greatest gift you can give someone, and most men aren’t actually used to receiving it. If you can learn how to offer it, you will be setting yourself apart from the crowd! I promise this makes you more attractive and dating way more fun!
If you're a woman over 50 navigating romantic relationships, chances are you’ve endured awkward silences or just the feeling that you are working too hard to have the conversation flow.
As a dating coach, I specialize in teaching women to shift this energy, and there are a few simple things YOU can do to get men more comfortable talking! If your issue is men talking too much, I have help for that too.
Here goes:
1. Body Language Matters
People don’t talk because they are afraid: they’ll be judged, disregarded, or even ridiculed. It IS safer NOT to talk.
If you want men to talk, make sure they feel physically safe and free.
If you are across the table from one another, be aware of your body language. Are you sitting across from him with your arms crossed and an intense look? Do you have what men refer to as "resting bitch face?" Ask your friends. Are you rolling your eyes or looking at your phone? That might make him feel like he’s in trouble or might suggest you are bored.
Eye contact is great—but use it sparingly and sweetly if he seems nervous.
Some men do better sitting side by side with you or being in motion, where you’re looking forward, not directly at each other. Think in a car or on a walk, not face-to-face. Some people find direct sustained eye contact and stillness very unnerving. I could sit still and gab with my girlfriends eyeball to eyeball all day without tiring, but I know for a fact my husband would have a hard time with it. A tiny shift can make a huge difference.
2. Listen With An Open Mind
One of the worst things we do when we’re nervous? Fill the silence. Resist the urge to monologue, even if you are good at it!
Some men need to be convinced that you really want to hear what they have to say, rather than that you are just giving them a turn so you can get your next turn.
That means don’t interrupt and don’t think about your own response. Stay quiet and follow along, don't even say "um-hmm" to them, and when they pause, don't fill in, just keep waiting.
When your date is done talking, you could say back what you heard to further demonstrate interest, and then ask follow-up questions.
Maybe you are afraid of seeming like you are conducting an interrogation. Some people love a follow-up to what they said; others don't. If you aren’t sure what kind of response they want, you can ask. For example: “Thanks for sharing that, did you just want me to listen or do you want feedback?” Or, "it was great to hear all that. I have a few thoughts (or questions) about it. Do you want to hear them?”
You don't have to "get this right" so much as stay in the moment of the conversation, and learn what this unique individual needs to feel comfortable talking about all the things you want to discuss.
3. Essay Questions Are A Good Thing
When you do ask questions, make sure they are genuine and open-ended. A yes or no question is really like leading the witness. Men can tell when they are being tested, when a question has a right/wrong answer, and they don't like it. Nobody does.
If you want to get someone talking more, ask good questions that invite “essay” answers vs. short answers. For example, “Why did that stand out for you?” or “What did you take away from that experience?” It takes time to really think about what you want to know and then design an interesting question that gets a deep response. Please do this thinking in advance, so if you're nervous (because hopefully you are attracted), you don't fumble the chance to get a great conversation going.
Once you botch a topic--by revealing too strong an opinion or making someone feel judged-- it's really hard to back-track.
If someone is really struggling to articulate how they feel, you could give them a multiple-choice option: “Was that upsetting, relieving, or something else? Multiple choice is a step up from true/false in terms of the opportunity for learning and connection, but "essay questions" are always best in early dating.
Questions aren't everything, but along with observing behavior, they are crucial to getting to know your date quickly, which you need to do if you're following my 3-date strategy.
4. Best Ways to Respond
In positive relationships, each party has learned how to withhold judgment. Think about your best relationships--those are people you know you can say things to because they give you the benefit of the doubt. Everyone deserves to feel safe to speak.
One of the worst things you can do mid-date? Ask someone to open up, then correct, criticize, or compete with their answer.
Seems obvious, but you’d be amazed at how much this happens! If you ask for an answer or someone’s perspective, don’t then criticize it. Say back what you heard and ask more questions. If you disagree or see it differently, that’s fine; you can express your opinion too, without criticizing theirs! It can be very charming to find a way to do that. Most men like a challenge and don't mind if you disagree or have a different perspective; what they don't appreciate is being criticized. Who does?
Usually, people in a healthy conversation find common ground, but if not, agreeing to disagree can also count as progress! A good relationship doesn't mean you agree about everything. In fact, in a lot of the most successful couples, differences are considered a strength! In early dating, you don't want to avoid discovering those differences; you want it to be safe for them to come to light!
5. Share Your Own Experiences
In most cases, if you share freely and open-heartedly about vulnerable things, people around you will feel safe(r )to do the same. Ask yourself: Are you being as honest and open as you wish they were? Sometimes it's hard to know how deep someone wants to go, so you go first and model the kind of revelations you'd like to hear in return.
Once you've set the tone for transparency and candor, your date is likely to do the same.
A healthy intimate relationship is built over time—not in one night, but over a series of moments when you both feel safe to be yourselves. Whereas I do encourage you to get as far along into topics as you can on the first 3 dates, it's also true that some people take longer to feel trust and fully reveal themselves. That's okay, too. Early dating is a dance, and for all my good tactical advice, you're going to have to go out there and practice and learn from experience, too!
Want help navigating the next step in your dating life?
If you're tired of wondering whether you’re doing it “right,” there’s a better way. I created my free webinar, 3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love, for women just like you—smart, soulful, and done with wasting time on the wrong men:
✅ Learn exactly how to spot good chances for connection
✅ Understand how to manage your own emotions without overthinking
✅ And discover how to have fun in your love life again
👉 Sign up at www.lauriegerber.com/webinar
Let’s make your next time out there feel totally different.
Frequently Asked Questions about Getting Silent Men to Talk
1. What if he gives short answers no matter what I do?
That’s not your failure—it may just not be the right time or the right guy. A good partner will be curious about you, too. If it’s always one-sided, that’s a red flag.
2. Should I talk about past relationships to get him to open up?
It depends. Mentioning a previous relationship can be helpful if you frame it as growth—not emotional baggage. This might be the thing to reassure a clammed-up man, but it could also be intimidating or too much too soon. You have to gauge this individually.
3. Can I use texting or social media to get the conversation going?
Yes! In fact, a light text or SM exchanges are great ways to establish inside jokes and give you ideas for low-pressure follow-up questions before the date.
4. What if I make a small mistake—like interrupting or giving advice?
Don’t panic. Just pause, own it, and shift back to curiosity. “Sorry, I just jumped in. Tell me more about what you were saying…” That kind of recovery can build more trust.
5. When should I consider professional help?
If you consistently feel disconnected in romantic relationships or have trouble navigating your own emotions, talking to a therapist or relationship coach can make an enormous difference.
Love,