What is the 3-date Rule for Finding Love After 50?
The biggest mistake women make, which prevents them from finding the right person for them, is staying too long with the wrong person.
When you’re young, you feel the time spent finding a romantic partner is worth it. You enjoy meeting new people, and chalk up the new experiences to adventure and learning. But as we become older adults, “wasting time” on the dating scene takes its toll.
And hopefully, the wasting of time becomes intolerable.
HOW LONG IS TOO LONG?
When I work with women as a relationship expert, and ask them how much is “too much” time when it comes to staying with the wrong person in a long-term relationship, I am shocked by the answer.
Some people marry the wrong person knowingly, while some people stay for months or years because they fall in love with an idea of a person. And, at best, some women think it takes at least a few months to really get to know a person in a new relationship.
Not me, I want you to get in and get out fast.
Why? Because the more time you invest in someone, the more attached you get to seeing a “profit” on your investment (even if it’s a bad one), and you end up staying too long hoping it will become a good thing.
Ugly but true: You’d rather have something than nothing.
Even if that something isn’t what you really want.
Even though you’ve passed your 50th birthday, you have unrealistic expectations. You hope it will somehow turn into true love, or that you can make your peace with what’s missing. But that’s not what usually happens, even if you had a great time at first.
As a dating expert, my truth:
SOMETHING IS NOT BETTER THAN NOTHING!
It wastes your time and discourages you.
What does it mean to hold out for what you really want?
It means picking a wonderful man: someone who meets the needs of your Head (they work practically for your life) your Heart (it feels good) and your Hoo-Ha (you’re turned on.) All 3H’s get a vote and all are totally “in favor!”
Here’s a crazy phenomenon: As a relationship coach, I’ve worked with hundreds of women post-divorce, and nearly 100% said that they knew from before or on their wedding day that something wasn’t right, and they went forward anyway.
Are you the kind of person who ignores red flags in the dating world to keep a romantic partner?
You are not alone if you stay for a long time or officially WAY too long!
THE SOLUTION
Good news: The 3-Date strategy interrupts this phenomenon!
If you want to increase your odds of finding love (nay, the last love of your life) you are going to have to start doing things differently, and that means LESS dates!
You need the 3-date strategy because:
You need to stop wasting time
And wasting your precious energy
And getting heartbroken
You need to avoid falling in love/investing in the “not the one” and burdening yourself with how hard it is to get out “later.”
If you don't have a time limit and a strategy, you will be inefficient in dating, you will exhaust yourself, and worst of all:
You will convince yourself it is not possible for you.
Boo! Don't do it, my dear friend!
WANTING TO BE WANTED
Most women play it by ear, they go by how they feel, or they try to convince everyone they date to like them, regardless of whether or not they're a good match.
For a long time, we have been trained by the media (think Disney movies and romcoms) that a Prince Charming is coming to rescue us and give us our happily ever after. We only need to look or be a certain way. These iconic and vivid examples of couples set us up for repeated disappointment.
We base our self-worth on whether a man picks us or not, even if we're not picking them. That desire to be swept off your feet, that desire to be chosen, is understandable– chemistry is important, but we are paying attention to the wrong things.
You need a holistic approach for understanding past relationships, vetting potential partners, and making meaningful emotional connections that lead to a long term relationship.
THE FIXER UPPER DILEMMA
Sometimes you sincerely think you can fix someone who has promise in one or 2 of the H’s. But it is not the full dream–the concept of the fixer-upper very rarely works out and most often just wastes your time and exhausts you. It's just not it. It can work out, but it is a terrible bet, and I don't let my clients make terrible bets. BTW, dating apps give you the opportunity to find a match for all 3 H's.
MY STORY
My personal story is a really good example of all that time that I wasted, not getting crystal clear, and not using a strategy.
Because I had no strategy and no rules, it was all about the conquest, propping up my own self-esteem, or entertaining myself. But that is not what partnership is all about, and I was fed up, and I wanted to find my soulmate.
I knew I had to change my thinking, get a new strategy, and I knew I had to change my behavior. I decided to look for all 3 H's, and abort the mission right away if all 3 weren't happy with my choice. That was a very important new rule I made for myself.
The result of that decision, and the integrity of it, caused a huge shift…
And a great result: The next guy I chose, chose me back! I found the promised land! (spoiler, we’ve now been married for more than 2 decades)
So, focusing on all 3H's and giving yourself a time limit isn’t just GOOD practical advice, there is also something spiritual about it–it sends the right message to the powers that be: I AM READY AND I MEAN IT.
THE RULE
No more 4th dates with a person who does not satisfy all 3 H's at a level of 8 out of 10, on a scale from 1 to 10.
I am making it nerdy. I am making it mathematical. Welcome to the modern world!
Bookmark and re-read this. I want you to remember no 4th date unless the person satisfies all 3H's. 8 or above, on a scale of 1-10.
Standards and strategy, folks– systematic approach. It works, and saves your mental health!
HOW TO GET TO KNOW SOMEONE IN 3 DATES
You are going to have to be strategic in the dating game, keep an open mind, and go out of your comfort zone in those first 3 dates to really get to know a person.
Here are my best tips for questions you should be asking on the first date, and the next two!
If you want to know more on how to date like you mean it, watch my free webinar.
My belief is that everyone can find lasting healthy love, but you must stop wasting your time by staying too long with the wrong person!
Q & A
How do I ask the right questions to get to know the person?
If you have made your 3H chart then you know what you want. Your questions should be designed to get at those topics. You’re going to have to learn about the basic facts of the person’s life, how they run their life and relationships, how they react in different situations and of course all about their “liabilities.”
Certain compatibility issues need to be discussed too, such as how much time they like to spend with a partner, activities they enjoy doing together, and conflict resolution style. It’s best to have a nice long list of questions that covers all those things that you can check off as you move through your 3 dates.
How do I handle the awkward topics without scaring them away?
Some topics are going to be awkward to talk about because they have to do with our liabilities. Read more about how to talk about “liability compatibility” here.
What if I don’t know enough about them by date 3?
You didn’t go deep enough on those dates! It takes practice and courage to prepare for really effective dates. You have to know the questions you want to ask by heart and know your answers well enough that you go with confidence that you’ll represent yourself well. It takes work to come up with good, juicy, open-ended questions and good listening skills ensure that your date is going to want to talk.
If you go somewhere noisy or with distractions, or if either of you drink too much, you’ll shoot yourself in the foot. Plan your dates mindfully, prepare your questions and answers, and then cheer yourself on to be brave and dig deep. The women I coach are braver at this, because they are in a community.
Love,
