The Real Reason So Many Women Fake Orgasms—And What To Do About It
Warning: This blog entry is rated MA-17 for explicit language and adult themes. Reader discretion is advised.
The Shocking Stats on Fake Orgasms and Sexual Satisfaction
Take a guess at what percent of heterosexual women admit to occasionally faking orgasms?
According to the Journal of Sex Research (Vol. 47, No. 6), it’s 67%. And just remember, that’s the number that’s admitting it!
Here’s another fun statistic. Only 20 percent of heterosexual men think their partners might fake their orgasms, according to a study by William McKibbin, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of Michigan, Flint.
And let’s not exclude the 28% of men who say they occasionally fake orgasms. Let’s get that on record, too.
As a staunch believer that sex can get better as we age, I must address this issue!
One thing’s for certain: most of us think lying is safer and better than telling the truth. According to research by Erin B. Cooper, a clinical psychology doctoral student at Temple University, many women feel it makes their sex life better.
But get this: 90% of men say they care about their partner’s pleasure. So I’m going to keep coaching my clients to stop faking it—even if it seems like it’s helping in the moment—and instead aim for the actual goal: real orgasms, or at least the emotional connection that comes from admitting when you don’t have one.
Why Clitoral Stimulation Matters in Great Sex
It took me until my thirties to understand the power of a good lube and feel empowered to use it. It also took me until my thirties to understand the importance of direct clitoral stimulation for orgasm (and that only a small percentage of people with vulvas have the right measurements—between clitoris and vaginal opening—for that stimulation to happen from penetrative sex alone). And lastly, it took me until my thirties to realize I could take control of that stimulation during sexual activity and control my own orgasm. Whoa!
Looking back, I feel robbed. Nobody taught me these things, and I fear some of you readers might not have been informed either! If you were raised on Hollywood movies—like When Harry Met Sally—you might have a very different idea about how often and easily women “should” orgasm. Thanks, Meg Ryan.
It’s just not so! My friend, sexologist Janah Boccio, LCSW, says people are ashamed of not being able to perform in the way they are “supposed to.” Even in great sex lives, it’s hard to talk about sex. She points out that most of us have not been taught how to talk about it. We also don’t have the info on why it’s hard for women to have an orgasm.
How to Talk About Faked Orgasms with Your Sexual Partner
Now, if you suspect your person might be faking orgasms, here is what Boccio says you need to know:
✅Some people can reach orgasm from lots of different stimuli; some can’t. You can ask your sexual partner which they are, and it helps them orgasm.
✅Ask yourself what your partner’s experiencing during sex: Do they feel comfortable, sexy, turned on?
✅The most important sex organ is the brain. It’s very important to talk about sex and clear out your general mental space before you are in “sexy time.”
If you want to help your partner have a better sexual experience, here’s what Boccio suggests:
✅Try a lot of different things, in the spirit of play and learning.
✅Talk outside of sexy time about what feels sexy, what gets you in the mood, what feels good.
✅Model the behavior you want from your partner: say what you find sexy, what you like, what feels good.
✅Have a regular practice of “touching each other” sessions, with the explicit goal of not orgasming or having sex. Somehow, taking the pressure off really helps… and if one sneaks by, no biggie!
How to Stop Faking It and Improve Your Sex Life
I know some of you want to come clean (pun!), and the time is now. You have two choices: share this blog with a 😜 and a “let’s discuss”; or formally design an awkward conversation. Here are my guidelines for the conversation:
✅Do this conversation in non-sexy time, but intimate time (alone and uninterrupted!).
✅Ask for permission; set aside a time.
✅Start by saying positive things, like what you love about your sex life and what’s important to you—for example, that it keeps getting better, or that we’re always honest with each other.
✅Be the first to spill the tea. Try: “Sometimes it’s hard for me to orgasm, but I don’t want you to feel bad, so sometimes I pretend that I did. I don’t want to do that anymore, because I feel like it’s hurting more than it’s helping, and I need to be my fully honest self with you.”
✅Close the conversation with a reminder of your purpose: to be more connected, intimate, and honest with your partner.
✅They may have concerns too, and feelings they want to express, so be ready to listen and reflect back what they say. Then, come to a mutual agreement about how you’ll move forward with the challenge.
The Real Goal: Sexual Confidence and Emotional Connection
Here’s the punchline: you don’t need to detect fake orgasms. Likely, you’ve experienced them—either giving or receiving. Now it’s up to you to prevent them by committing to stop faking and come clean! If you’re the one being faked to, it’s time to be brave and straight-up ask, because you care about your partner’s feelings and emotional connection. That—along with reading one of the books below—might be the best gift you could give your relationship.
I’m concluding with these book recommendations from Boccio and me, for those who want to become further educated:
📘 Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life goes out of its way to encourage hesitant readers by extensive use of metaphors to explain the science of how to keep the brain out of the way of clitoral sensation.
📘 She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman is focused on teaching a male audience how a woman's body and mind work holistically to create her sexual experience, and how he can make it better.
📘 The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at your Fingertips combines a focus on the extensive anatomy of the clitoris with avowedly feminist autobiographical sections on forays into "mutual masturbation camp" and her work with sex activists.
📘 Sex Rx: Hormones, Health, and your Best Sex Ever is told by a doctor from her medical perspective, but written to be easy to read, full of candid advice on how to make sex a positive experience, including pre- and post-menopausal sex.
Frequently Asked Questions About Fake Orgasms
1. What are the most common reasons women fake orgasms?
Research and women’s reports point to many motivations, including wanting to avoid hurting their partner’s ego, ending the sexual encounter sooner, or following sexual scripts learned from Western culture and media. Faked orgasms are rarely about personal enjoyment—they're often about protecting their partner’s feelings.
2. Does faking orgasms have a negative impact on your sex life?
Yes. While it might seem like a good idea in the moment, it can create a long-term negative impact by reinforcing patterns that don’t lead to sexual satisfaction or real orgasms. Over time, this can damage emotional well-being and intimacy.
3. How can I improve my sexual communication skills with my partner?
The first step is to talk outside of sexual activity. Discuss your sexual needs, preferences, and what makes you feel good. Use kind words, be specific, and prioritize emotional connection. This sets the stage for a more fulfilling and honest sex life.
4. What role does clitoral stimulation play in the female orgasm?
The majority of women require direct clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Penetrative sex alone isn’t enough for most, which is one of the key findings in studies exploring the orgasm gap between straight women and heterosexual men. Adding oral sex, manual stimulation, or using a vibrator can make a significant difference.
5. Is it normal to have a hard time orgasming during penetrative sex?
Absolutely. Previous research and recent studies confirm that only a small number of women can reach orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. Understanding your own pleasure and communicating openly with your partner is the best way to work through orgasmic problems and build sexual confidence.
