The Mind-Blowing Truth About Fake Orgasms! A Go-To Guide to More Pleasure

Warning: This blog entry is rated MA-17 for explicit language and adult themes. Reader discretion is advised.

Take a guess what percent of heterosexual women admit to occasionally faking orgasms?
 

According to Journal of Sex Research (Vol. 47, No. 6) it’s 67%. And just remember, that’s the number that’s admitting it!

Here’s another fun statistic. Only 20 percent of men think their partners might fake their orgasms, according to a study by William McKibbin, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of Michigan, Flint.

I don’t want to exclude the 28% of men who say they occasionally fake orgasms. Let’s get that on record, too.

Science apparently tells us that this is what it sounds like when a man fakes an orgasm

One thing’s for certain: most of us think lying is safer and better than telling the truth. According to research by Erin B. Cooper, a clinical psychology doctoral student at Temple University, many women feel it makes their sex life better.

But get this: 90% of men say they care if their partners have orgasms, so I’m going to keep coaching my clients to stop faking it–even if it makes bad sex better–and go for the actual goal of having real orgasms, or at least the intimacy that comes with admitting you don’t.

It took me until my thirties to understand the power of a good lube and feel empowered to use it. It also took me until my thirties to understand the importance of direct clitoral stimulation for orgasm (and that only a small percentage of people with vulvas have the right measurements, between clitoris and vaginal opening, to have that stimulation happen from penile-vaginal intercourse alone.) And, lastly, it took me until my thirties to realize I could take control of that stimulation during penetrative sex, and control my own orgasm. Whoa!

Looking back, I feel robbed. Nobody taught me these things, and I fear some of you readers might not have been informed either! If you were raised on Hollywood movies, you might have a very different idea about how often and easily women “should” be able to orgasm.

It’s just not so!  My friend, sexologist Janah Boccio, LSCW, says people are ashamed of not being able to perform in the way they are “supposed to.” Even in good relationships, it’s hard to talk about sex. She points out that most of us have not been taught how to talk about sex. We also don’t have the info on why it’s hard to cum.

Now, if you suspect your person might be faking orgasms, here is what Boccio says you need to know:

1. Some people can cum from lots of different stimuli, some can’t. You can ask your partner which they are, and what makes them cum.

2. Ask yourself what your partner’s experiencing during sex: Do they feel comfortable, sexy, turned on?

3. The most important sex organ is the brain. It’s very important to talk about sex and clear our your general mental space before you are in “sexy time.”

If you want to help your partner cum, here is what Boccio suggests:

1. Try a lot of different things, in the spirit of play and learning.

2. Talk outside of sexy time about what feels sexy, what gets you in the mood, what feels good.

3. Model the behavior you want from your partner: say what you find sexy, what you like, what feels good. 

4. Have a regular practice of “touching each other” sessions, with the explicit goal of not orgasming or having sex. Somehow taking the pressure off really helps…and if one sneaks by, no biggie!

I know some of you want to come clean (pun!), and the time is now. You have two choices: forward this newsletter with a 😜, and “let’s discuss”; or formally design an awkward conversation using the steps we've covered in the group and in Inner U. Boccio suggests these guidelines:

1. Do this conversation in non-sexy time, but intimate time (alone and uninterrupted!). 

2. Ask for permission; set aside a time.

3. Start by saying positive things, like what you love about your sex life, and what’s important to you: for example, that it keep getting better or that we’re always honest with each other.

4. Be the first to spill the tea, saying something like: “Sometimes it is hard for me to cum, but I don’t want you to feel bad, so sometimes I pretend that I came. I don’t want to do that anymore, because I feel like it’s hurting more than it’s helping, and I need to be my fully honest self with you.”

5. Close the conversation with a reminder of your purpose: to be more connected, intimate, and honest with your partner.

6. They may have concerns too, and feelings they want to express, so be ready to listen and reflect back what they say.  Then, come to a mutual agreement about how you will move forward with the challenge.

Here’s the punchline: you don’t need to detect fake orgasms! Likely you’ve experienced them, either giving or receiving. It’s now up to you to prevent them, by committing to stop faking, and cum clean! If you’re the one being faked to, it’s time to be brave and straight up ask, because you care. That, coupled with reading one of the books below, might be the best gift you could give your partner and your relationship.

I’m concluding with these book recommendations from Boccio and me, for those who want to become further educated on the details of these areas.

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life goes out of its way to encourage hesitant readers, by extensive use of metaphors to explain the science of how to keep the brain out of the way of clitoral sensation.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman is focused on teaching a male audience how a woman's body and mind work holistically to create her sexual experience, and how he can make it better.

The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at your Fingertips combines a focus on the extensive anatomy of the clitoris with avowedly feminist autobiographical sections on forays into "mutual masturbation camp" and her work with sex activists.

Sex Rx: Hormones, Health, and your Best Sex Ever is told by a doctor from her medical perspective, but written to be easy to read, full of candid advice on how to make sex a positive experience, including pre- and post-menopausal sex.