How to Have the Conversation to Establish Monogamy in 4 Easy Steps 👣👣

It’s a mistake to think there is monogamy in a dating relationship if it hasn’t been specifically agreed upon.

If you are in my Master the Art of Love program you know that there are stages of dating and specific things you need to address at each stage.

If you are playing the game to “find your one,” something you have to address by Date #3 is: Are we looking for the same thing?

Some of us are looking for our forever person and some are not. BOTH ARE VALID! Please respect either choice and be open to being in either place yourself, or you will snow yourself and end up disappointed.

You are not “supposed to” ask for monogamy by Date #3– though some people do. You just need to determine if that’s the direction the other person generally wants to head in to know if you should have a 4th date. After a 3rd date people get attached and invested and tell less truth about whether or not it’s a good match.

For most people, having sex without an agreement to monogamy is not ideal. It’s physically, psychologically and emotionally less safe.

Nobody ever reports regretting waiting to have sex until chemistry is strong and comfort level is stronger.

So let’s say you are now ready to address monogamy. How do you do it? 4 Easy Steps:

1. Introduction including Context

2. Explain Your Thinking

3. Ask a Clear Question 

4. Make a Formal Agreement

Here are the specifics and some examples:

    1) Introduction

You don’t want someone to feel blindsided so you start with general positive affirmations about the good talks you’ve already had and how you are enjoying the relationship and then you bring up the topic and ask permission to proceed.

For ex:
We’ve spoken about kids, family and sex. I’m having a great time with you and feeling happy about moving forward. I want to have sex but I have one thing I need to handle before that (or two if you haven’t had STI/contraception talk). Ok to bring it up now? 

If yes…

    2) Explain Your Thinking

Here is where you would say why monogamy is important to you and make the other person feel very safe to tell the truth about it going forward. Your goal is to be understood and get them talking so you can understand their thinking too.

For ex:
It’s important to me once I start having sex to be monogamous. I have assumed we are being monogamous but since we never discussed it I really have no right to. I haven’t seen anyone else. You don’t need to tell me if you’ve been seeing others but before we actually have sex, I’d like to agree to be monogamous. What do you think about that?

For ex:
I've been thinking about where I am with monogamy and it's important to me as a condition for us having sex. I assume you've felt free to date other people until now and I have been seeing other people too but I think I'll need monogamy to proceed sexually. Where are you on this topic?

    3) Ask a Clear Question

People can get very squirrely about monogamy so it’s best to ask a very direct question. 

For ex: 
Are you comfortable committing to monogamy (and being off all dating sites) before we have sex? Do you want to make that commitment now? When should we revisit this?

    4) Make it Formal

You may not get the agreement then and there, but you will get further clarification about where your relationship is headed. If you do make the agreement then and there, I would suggest writing it down so you remember where and when and exactly what was said. The next day you could text your partner and thank them, using the words of the specific agreement you made.

For ex:
Morning honey, I am so glad we made the agreement to be formally monogamous and off the sites last night. I think it’s going to make me even hornier for you!

I am making it sound simple, but monogamy brings up a lot for people. If the relationship is trusting and deep you will likely have to have some deep talks about the topic. More and more people are open to open relationships-- so monogamy really deserves discussion and parsing.

Here are some follow up questions you could use to get the conversation flowing.

I know a lifetime of monogamy is very daunting for some people–what has been your experience with monogamy/cheating?

When you think about a lifetime of monogamy, what are your reactions/concerns?

Bravo for taking on an awkward subject and being willing to tackle it. Hope this helps!