What Makes 2 People TRULY Compatible: It's Not What You Think
When most women talk about looking for their “perfect match,” they focus on things like physical attraction, similar interests, like whether someone likes the same movies, music, or vacation spots.
Those things are nice—and yes, physical chemistry and common interests play a role—but they aren’t the most important signs of compatibility.
As a dating coach who works with women (especially over 50) looking for long-term relationships, I’ve seen what really makes romantic compatibility last. Spoiler alert: it’s not matching coffee orders or loving the same sports teams.
You need to match on all 3H's, that's head, heart, and hoo-ha. Practical matters, emotional matters, and sexual chemistry! Want to learn about your personal dating criteria for each of the H's? Take my free webinar here.
This article will answer: What does it mean to be truly compatible? And why understanding true compatibility could be the key factor in unlocking your most successful relationship yet.
I am going to talk about compatibility in terms of core values and long-term goals, then I'll address compatibility in the day-to-day of life, and finally, I will talk about a new concept: liability compatibility.
Core Values and Long-Term Goals: The Start to Compatibility
Before you even get to the butterflies and banter, there’s something more foundational: core values and long-term goals. Without alignment here, there’s a high chance of conflict down the road. Sure, you can have a strong connection and high levels of chemistry, but if one of you dreams of retiring in the mountains and the other needs to be near grandkids in the city, there’s a problem. And don't get me started on having different definitions of monogamy or different desires about casual vs. long-term.
Yes, your dreams for your future and his should intertwine well. Your lives need to WORK well together.
True compatibility starts with discovering whether your potential partner shares your vision for life. That includes things like retirement plans, family involvement, health priorities, and financial habits (yup, even how you use a credit card).
You need to be able to talk about your dreams for yourself without trying to match each other's, to see if they objectively mesh well.
What Does Day-to-Day Compatible Mean in A Successful Relationship?
You may have similar views about and dreams for the future, but you aren't compatible in the day-to-day.
Similar goals and values create a strong foundation, but without shared approaches to communication, planning time together, and conflict resolution, things break down.
Ask yourself, have you agreed on how to manage the following:
✅ Communication style:
Do you like the way they talk to you, and the way you talk to them? How about the listening?
Do you agree on how to resolve conflicts and practice the skill?
✅ Emotional connection and support:
Do you understand and enjoy providing what your partner needs to feel loved?
✅ Sexual compatibility and understanding of sexual needs:
Do you know what they like and want to provide it?
✅ Willingness to grow through personal development:
Are you on the same page about areas of growth and learning, and have plans around that?
✅ Time apart and alone time when needed:
Do you feel compatible in terms of how much time you want to spend together vs alone?
✅ The ability to make room for each other’s past relationships and unique lives, or end relationships that are threatening:
Are you mindful of how your past and current choices affect your partner, and willing to make compromises to meet their needs?
Compatible couples aren’t the stuff of fairy tales. There is a lot to work out through discussions about your philosophies and needs, and then there is a lot to design about how you want to run life together.
You need to start with a basic shared understanding that these things are important and how you are going to approach them. You need to learn skills and agree upon rituals that you practice over time. And then you also need to agree to keep talking about what's working and not working, and pivot if there's a disconnect.
Liability Compatibility: The Secret to a True Healthy Relationship
You might be good at determining if you and a potential match will line up in terms of chemistry and shared interests, but most people shy away from learning about true compatibility when it comes to "liabilities" until it's too late.
Why? They don't want to talk about potential "liabilities" that may scare the other person off.
This is penny-wise, pound-foolish!
I coined the concept "liability compatibility" to reference how well we get along with "someone's issues." It's one thing to have compatible assets like a similar sense of humor, financial status, attractiveness, and intelligence, but it's not the most important type of compatibility!
A liability is something that’s considered “not so great” about us.
Most people don't like it that I even call it that. Maybe you have tried hard NOT to think of that thing as a liability, or to some, it wouldn't be.
I knew I wanted to live in NYC, and even though plenty of potential partners were fine with it, I had to put it on my liability list because an equal number would not have been. Same with being allergic to cats. Now, the fact that I tend towards selfishness and meanness is really a liability across the board, for anyone, but some partners handled it better than others, ya know?
So please understand that I am not trying to insult you or stigmatize YOUR issues, I am just trying to get you to be extra smart about what your potential "liabilities" may be, as well as what liabilities you might accept in others. I am not going to keep putting "liabilities" in quotes, I am going to assume you get it now--it's IN QUOTES!!
Every human being has liabilities—things that might be challenging to live with. We all come with baggage, quirks, and difficult past experiences. Some are life circumstances, some are personality traits, and some are just plain weird habits.
Each of us has about 7 of them, and that’s just a fact.
Liabilities could include:
Something truly difficult like:
✅ A chronic health or mental health condition (depression, herpes, snoring, cancer history)
✅ Financial struggles or past debt
✅ A strong attachment to a pet (who sleeps in your bed!) or worse, an ex
Or just something really unique that won’t change:
✅ Living in a specific location or a hard situation
✅ Something about your look you don't like or is considered "unattractive"
Or a life circumstance that requires juggling and/or empathy:
✅ Children at home or family caretaking responsibilities, or otherwise too busy or preoccupied
✅ A history of trauma or being an abuse survivor
Maybe you have a bad habit:
✅ Overspending
✅ Smoking
✅ Not picking up after yourself
✅ An addiction to drugs, alcohol, or gambling
Or you (like everyone) have a few “bad” personality traits:
✅ Personality types like being stubborn, critical, or workaholic tendencies
✅ A “messy” personality, forgetfulness, or poor grooming
GOOD NEWS: Some people you date will be unoffended– all the way to charmed– by your liabilities. Sometimes liabilities even cancel each other out, like you’re both judgmental, and you like to do it together.
Some of my husband’s liabilities don’t even occur to me as liabilities, and vice versa. For example, the fact that he is arrogant is actually a turn-on to me, and I like it when he skips deodorant. For another woman, those would be dealbreakers.
That's just it, sometimes things you think may not work about you are actually assets, and sometimes those liabilities are the opposite, they are DEAL BREAKERS!
The trick is to find out and discuss liabilities early on. If a liability is a dealbreaker for either of you, that’s not your person.
Alternatively, if your liabilities don’t bother each other, it’s a great sign that you are TRULY compatible!
Your Assignment: Understand and Embrace Liabilities
You're not supposed to be perfect, and you’re not finding someone perfect, I can promise you that. Instead, imagine being able to "be yourself" and finding a real, flawed human–just with flaws you can handle!
THE ASSIGNMENT:
✅ Using the examples above as your guide, write out your own list of liabilities. Be honest.
✅ Then, write out your list of assets—there are probably a lot more than you think.
✅ Finally, list the liabilities you’d be OK with your romantic partners having.
For example, if you are fine with someone who’s short, bald, dad-bodied, or who struggles with ED or ADHD, your pool just got way bigger. If you’re stumped on what liabilities you could handle, please email me back here for help! Nobody is perfect, but your perfect mate has liabilities that don’t offend you, and vice versa.
That’s not settling. That’s real love. Real people. Real long-term potential.
Isn’t it great to know you can be yourself and be loved, and so can they?
Frequently Asked Questions About Romantic Compatibility
1. What’s the difference between attraction and compatibility?
Attraction is often immediate and physical—it’s the butterflies, the spark, the urge to text nonstop. Compatibility is what builds a strong relationship over time. You may have great physical attraction but lack emotional connection, similar goals, or effective communication. Long-term compatibility requires more than a spark—it needs a steady flame.
2. Can different people with different views make a relationship work?
Yes—if there's mutual respect and open communication. You don’t have to agree on everything to have a healthy relationship. But you do need to agree on how to handle disagreements. Conflict resolution and shared values matter more than matching opinions.
3. How do I know if we’re sexually compatible?
Sexual compatibility isn’t just about chemistry—it’s also about communication. Are you both comfortable discussing sexual needs? Do you have similar boundaries and desires? True compatibility here includes empathy, patience, and curiosity. It’s about more than performance—it’s about emotional safety.
4. What are red flags that signal a lack of compatibility?
Major red flags include communication breakdowns, feeling emotionally unsafe, repeated misunderstandings, and constant judgment. If you’re walking on eggshells, ignoring your own emotional needs, or pretending to be someone you’re not—those are signs that compatibility is missing.
5. Can compatibility grow over time?
Absolutely. Some romantic partners grow into deeper understanding and stronger connections as time goes on. Shared interest, mutual growth, and learning each other’s love language can enhance compatibility. Just make sure you're not forcing a fit that doesn't work. Growth is possible, but it must be mutual.
Love,
