Why Your First Date Should Be a Video Chat
If you met online, your first date should not be a glass of wine at a noisy bar. It should be a video call. Full stop.
I know, I know. It’s not the fantasy. But we’re grown-ups now. With real-time energy levels, complicated schedules, and no time (or patience) for last-minute (or during-date) disappointments.
So, here’s why your first "date" should happen on screen—before anything in-person even gets scheduled.
Why You Need a Video Date First
It’s not just about safety—though that matters. It’s about efficiency. You want to:
· Confirm he is who he says he is.
· See if he more or less matches his photos (are they from last year or last decade?)
· See if whatever you thought was cute or sexy in the photo translates to real life
· Gauge if he’s serious enough to show up on time and navigate a video call like a functioning adult.
· Check if his space, vibe, and energy put you in the right mood to want to know more.
My whole job as a coach is to save you from dating fatigue. So consider this a necessary filtering behavior to prevent you from wasting time and energy or going on dud dates.
The Purpose of a Video Chat
· Build some basic rapport—a little flirt, a little fun.
· Check for chemistry (you know the kind—your hoo-ha knows).
· Decide if it’s worth meeting for an in-person date.
When you ask for a video chat, you’re going to say it’s to check chemistry, but the truth is it also serves 2 other functions–gathering “get to know you” momentum and determining if it’s worth going on an actual date.
How to Get a Video Date
So you’re sold on the idea of a video chat before a live date, but you’re not sure how to get one. Many women are scared to ask for this because they think they’ll get a bad reaction or resistance from the man they’re interested in. If this scares your guy off, good. He wasn’t the right match.
Here are the steps leading up to and including asking for the video chat.
· Chat for a week or two in the app.
· Ask smart questions. Have fun banter. Rule out dealbreakers.
· See if you’re both enjoying the back-and-forth.
· Then write: “I’d love to hop on a 10-minute video chat to check our chemistry face to face?”
It’s casual. It’s light. And it puts the ball right in their court, letting them lead the next step. It’s as if you’re saying. “Hey, I’m interested in taking this a step further with action, are you?” You’ve shown your hand, and he’s about to show his. Oh, the suspense!
How to Prep for Your Video Chat
Let’s say he says yes and even sets a time and tech platform on which to do it. Big points for him! You may have to help. Here’s what you do next:
· Prep your 5 questions. Think about what you’d want them to ask you and what you most want to know.
The perfect first one is:
How's online dating going for you?
Those answers reveal a lot.
Then follow up with things like:
What do you love about your work? Don't you love?
Where do you spend your weekends?
Don’t forget a question about values:
Fun is really important to me, what does fun look like to you?
· Write up and practice your answers to the same questions you’re asking him, so you’re ready and confident
· Prep your space: good lighting, clean background, no barking dogs or random dirty washing. And especially no other people or noise!
· Dress to impress (but casual) from the chest up. Yes, that includes makeup and earrings (if that’s your usual).
Record yourself saying your answers (yes, I make my clients do this because it works!). Then watch yourself. Would you date you? Oof, yeah, I said it.
How to Determine if the Video Date Was a Success
Okay, you made it through. I promise they get easier once you get the hang of it and you have your technology, lighting, and shpiels down! But let’s say you just got off a video chat, I want you to ask yourself:
· Did you like what you saw?
· Did you like what you felt?
· Were there any dealbreakers?
· Did you feel safe, curious, and slightly more hopeful than before?
· Were your head, heart, and hoo-ha happier at the end than when you started?
How to Get to the Next Date
If it went well, at the end of the video chat (or in a follow-up text) just say: "If you asked me out, I’d say yes."
Then wait. If he’s into it, he’ll ask. And if he doesn’t within 3 days? You’re free to send one quick close-the-loop message three days later. Something like: “Hey, just checking in since I haven’t heard from you, I am guessing it didn’t feel like a romantic match for you. Let me know if I got that wrong and you’re busy planning our date 🙂Otherwise, I wish you the best of luck on your dating journey.”
Drop that text and then MOVE ON. He may well circle back, but he’ll have some explaining to do to make up for his initial hesitancy, but as far as you’re concerned, he’s history. Good practice, but history, in regards to your hopes and dreams.
(Bonus: you didn’t waste a week or two waiting, or your wine budget.)
Let each person who doesn’t show up interested go! Let’s make way quickly for the next potential last love of your life!
Want Help getting off the Apps and into the Right Relationship?
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The biggest mistake women make that prevents them from finding love over 50
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FAQs
What if I hate video calls?
Totally valid. But think of this like modern screening. It saves you time, energy, and the potential of a bad first date. You don’t have to look perfect—it’s about having a good connection and a good time without leaving the house. Remember, you can’t mess it up with the one. A video chat just eliminates riff raff and the people who wouldn’t choose you.
How long should the video date be?
Keep it short: 10 to 20 minutes, especially if you’re “not that into him.” If it’s totally grooving and you're getting your Sparks Questions answered, then let it roll as long as you both have time and interest.
Do I need a fancy setup?
Nope. Just decent lighting, a quiet space, and a little effort. Think Zoom call, remember those from COVID. You can handle it, just be you. I dare you to schedule a few back-to-back to make the best use of whatever dolling up you plan to do.
Can we do a virtual date instead of meeting in person?
If you're vibing but long distance, a longer virtual date (with wine, snacks, or even a shared playlist) can be a great bridge. But it's not a substitute forever. In-person dates are where real momentum builds.
What’s the safest way to do a video chat?
Most apps offer video call features now. That is the very safest way to go. But you can always move to FaceTime or Zoom (either creating an anonymous account for yourself, or, if you know the person through other people, giving out your contact info) once you're ready.
Is it weird to ask for a video date?
Not anymore. It shows discernment, self-respect, and clarity. The right guy will appreciate your approach—and be more than happy to show up.
Love,
