So you have an STD, To Date or Not To Date?
By the end of the weekend, we made good on the premise: much shame was surmounted, many tears were shed, and many hugs were exchanged. People looked lighter, younger, and more ready to take on the world as fully present, vulnerable, truth-telling, and truth-seeking individuals.
This was one of the most inspiring endeavors of my life and it’s why I am inspired to write to you about STDs and dating in midlife.
A funny thing would happen during the weekend when I’d ask for volunteers to speak up about “anything they wanted to get off their chest.”
On the first go round, one person would reveal they had herpes and tell the upsetting story of how they got it and the impact it had on their lives. People around the rest of the circle nodded and smiled, and some even teared up. By the second day, at confession time, 2 or 3 more people would add their names to the list. And on the last day, at least 2 more people would join the ranks, one at the very end, sensing it would be the last chance to reveal their secret in such a safe space.
By the time over 33% of the people in the room had admitted to having herpes, it became a little bit of a joke. Maybe you were the weird one if you didn’t have it? Or didn’t know you had it. It made everyone think. And it made everyone wonder what took so long for each person to tell their story and unburden their shame.
Each story is so unique, and each person’s level of discomfort is so different, but what I have learned from working with daters is that having an STD can be considered everything from being a dealbreaker to dating at all to being something that was seen as an advantage, and I want to tell you a few of those stories.
One thing I can tell you is that nobody gets an incurable STD on purpose. But how you handle it once you do can make the difference between whether or not love (and great sex) is possible for you.
Who determines whether or not love is possible for you?
Fortunately and unfortunately: IT’S YOU.
When digging in with one of my clients, let’s call her Dana, as to why she wasn’t dating, I discovered it was fundamentally the shame of her STD. Because she could not imagine the disclosure going well, she simply couldn’t imagine dating and took herself off the market altogether.
A stark contrast is my middle-aged client Scott, who discovered in his 30s that he had herpes, did all the research he could, and consulted with his doctor. He wasn’t going to let it stop him, so he figured out the few sentences he would use to disclose and promised he would always do so before having sex. 90% of the time, the conversation did the opposite of creating revulsion; instead, it built trust.
And then there is Mimi, who swears it’s the perfect litmus test. She tells the story of disclosing to her future husband just before receiving oral sex and him saying, “I’m feeling lucky.” It’s how she knew he was a keeper, and that he really liked her.
So, what does this mean for you if you have an STD? I’d suggest a few things:
Do the inner work you need to understand and forgive how you got herpes. Come to understand that you are not whatever health issue you may have. It’s something you deal with but not who you are, and it doesn’t diminish your worth. Anyone who doesn’t get that isn't for you.
Start your shame abatement program. There are social network groups and influencers that can help you with this. There are many people surviving, thriving, and having healthy, wonderful sex lives, living with STDs. Surround yourself with them.
Determine that you are going to be honest. First with a few trusted friends and then with anyone with whom you want to be sexual. Come up with your few sentence conversation starter in consultation with your doctor.
Practice communicating and surviving to tell the tale. Communicating an STD will not kill you, even though sometimes you feel it will. It also won’t mess it up with the love of your life. The love of your life will love you for who you are.
Look into homeopathy to clear symptoms or reduce transmissibility.
Everyone has something they are hiding. Whatever your thing is, I assure you, you are not alone, and you are not excused from finding the love of your life.
There is help, support, light, and love for you! This community is one proof of that. Stick with us.
If you need more support, watch my free training called “3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love”
Love,
