Are You Sending Mixed Signals? 7 Things Women Say They Want and What They Really Mean
What men say—over and over—is that women tend to speak in signals instead of just asking directly for what they want.
And here’s the uncomfortable truth: most women aren’t doing that on purpose.
They’re doing it because they don’t actually know what they want yet.
Maybe that sounds harsh. Bear with me here.
I coach single women every day: smart, capable women with real-life experience, careers, children, and full lives. These are mature women navigating the modern dating scene, often after long marriages, complicated past relationships, or the death of a partner.
And when they tell me (or, heaven forbid, their male prospects!) what they want, often they’re offering a signal: a shortcut, a cliche, instead of the real desire underneath.
Language matters. The words you use shape what’s possible for you in the dating game. When language is vague, borrowed from cliches, or coded, the results tend to be vague too, especially in online dating, where people are filtering fast from a crowded dating pool.
So let’s decode the most common signals women send and translate them into what they actually mean.
What She Says She Wants: Ex #1: “Tall, Dark, and Handsome”
This is the classic one. And no, it doesn’t make you shallow.
It makes you imprecise.
“Tall, dark, and handsome” is a cultural placeholder. Movies, romance novels, and the fantasy of the golden bachelor taught it to us. But it doesn’t actually describe physical attraction in a useful way.
What women usually mean is:
I want to feel desire.
I want chemistry.
I want to enjoy looking at him, and want to touch him.
That’s it.
And here’s the good news: attraction is far more flexible than we admit. Many people in deeply healthy relationships will tell you they didn’t feel instant fireworks, but attraction grew as emotional safety and emotional intimacy developed.
Coaching: When you lock yourself into a physical cliché, you may miss men with a good sense of humor, emotional steadiness, and real presence: qualities that matter far more in a serious relationship and that end up having you feel safe, and then attracted.
What She Says She Wants Ex #2: “He Lives Near Me”
This one sounds practical. Reasonable. A good idea, right?
But geography is rarely the real issue.
When a woman says this, what she usually means is:
I want ease.
I want regular quality time.
I want a connection that fits into everyday life.
Distance is made the villain because it's easier than naming needs directly and doing the work to figure out how you'll deal.
Coaching: People change cities, routines, even countries for love, when it’s the right person. Ask yourself what you’re actually managing with your tight geographical restrictions.
What She Says She Wants Ex #3: “Highly Educated”
Degrees are another proxy.
What women are really saying is
I want to feel intellectually met.
I want meaningful conversations.
I want curiosity, vocabulary, and presence.
Plenty of men with advanced degrees are dull. Plenty without formal education are thoughtful, interesting, and emotionally intelligent.
Judging someone by credentials instead of connection is lazy filtering, and it can be deeply invalidating.
Coaching: Filter for how it feels to talk to him, not the details of his résumé.
What She Says She Wants Ex #4: “He Has to Be Financially Abundant”
This one matters more in later life and for good reason.
But most women are not looking for a man to bankroll them.
They’re saying:
I want financial stability.
I don’t want to support another adult.
I want peace, not chaos.
Financial security matters because it supports emotional security, not because money equals love.
Coaching: Say what you actually need: clear financial boundaries, mutual responsibility, and independence. Say what you mean. “I don’t want to be the primary provider.” That’s honest, and far more effective. Don't want to be a nurse or a purse? Read this.
What She Says She Wants Ex #5: “I Want Someone Emotionally Available”
This phrase gets thrown around frequently and almost never clarified.
What women usually mean is:
I want honest conversations.
I want you unattached to a past partner.
I want someone open to a committed relationship.
“Emotionally available” is therapy shorthand. Men don’t know what to do with it.
Coaching: Make it safe for men to talk about what's important to them by listening well and avoiding criticism. Getting clarity about how a man thinks and spends his time is the best way to find out if he is ready to make himself truly available to you.
What She Says She Wants Ex #6: “Emotionally Vulnerable”
Women want connection, but not emotional chaos.
What works is processed vulnerability: feelings that are owned, regulated, and shared responsibly.
When emotions spill unfiltered, women often slip into caretaking, and desire drops fast.
Coaching: Emotional depth creates attraction. Emotional overwhelm erodes it. Men, get professional support. Women, work on your own vulnerability before you work on his. Emotionality does not equal real vulnerability.
What She Says She Wants Ex #7: “I Want the Perfect Man”
We may think we want perfection, but deep down we know it's not possible.
They want a mature man with acceptable liabilities.
Every human has about 7 issues. The question isn’t whether they exist, it’s whether the person is aware of them, responsible for them, and willing to manage them.
Bring your baggage. Just bring it neatly packed.
Coaching: We’re not looking for flawless. We’re looking for capable, self-aware partners who can co-create a healthy relationship. Look for the liabilities in early dating and see if you can work with them, instead of pretending anyone can be perfect.
Watch me explain exactly what I mean here:
Say What You Mean!
Women aren’t speaking in signals to manipulate.
They’re doing it because they haven’t slowed down enough to tell the truth to themselves first.
When you stop signaling and start naming your own needs, dating changes. Conversations deepen. Potential partners rise—or fall—more quickly and cleanly.
Clear language creates mutual understanding. And mutual understanding is the foundation of lasting love.
Ready to Get Clear?
If you want help translating what you think you want into what actually works in real life, I teach this step-by-step.
Start with my free webinar:
3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love Without Repeated Disappointments
Watch it at lauriegerber.com/webinar
Love at any age starts with telling the truth—out loud.
Love,
