How Honest Should You Be on a First Date?
(A version of this was previously published on Sixty and Me)
Let’s brush our teeth before we kiss, he said on our first date, implying I had bad breath!
I was mortified. But I brushed my teeth, and we had a great first kiss.
That was decades ago, and now we’ve been married 27 years. When asked how I knew he was the right person, I harken back to that bold, brave, risky thing he said to me.
That’s when he won my trust and my heart.
Later, he told me how much he liked me on that first date and how badly he wanted the kiss to go well—but my garlic breath was distracting him. It was true: I often ate garlic and had been single for a long time, not managing my bodily smells too well, apparently.
Luckily, I was carefree enough to believe I couldn’t mess it up with “the one.” Carefree enough to bounce back from the embarrassment.
As a dating and relationship coach, I insist that my clients accept two very important edicts:
You can’t mess it up with “the one,” so be yourself, warts (and smells) and all.
Your early stage—the first 3 dates—is the best time for your true self to come out (and his).
Most people spend early dating in what I call “PR agent” mode, where you present only the best sides of yourself you think will delight a romantic partner. A few problems with that strategy:
It’s exhausting.
You can’t keep up the act forever (the longest I’ve seen is 7 months).
Because your subconscious knows you’re acting, ironically, you’ll trust people (and love) less.
I advise the opposite approach. Instead of trying to be what they want, flip the script. You’re the shopper. Your date has to match what you’re looking for, and then you see if you're a good fit for what they want too.
There’s no test. No performing. No fake smiles or exaggerated stories. Just playful banter, real talk, and paying close attention.
Here’s the advantage of this approach—being yourself and hoping your date does the same (in the first three dates):
No pretending = less stress, more ease
You find out much sooner if there’s potential for a meaningful connection
You learn to trust love when it comes
BONUS: You may even start to like your quirks when you see how many other people have their own
Dating this way means accepting that everyone has “liabilities.” But with the right person, those quirks aren’t a big deal. They might even be endearing. My husband likes garlic too—and we both enjoy brushing our teeth. It worked out.
If you’re over 50 and dating, chances are you’re not planning to change much. You’re set in your ways, and so are the single men you’re meeting. That’s okay.
Personally? I’ve got no energy left to pretend. And it's more of a good time when I don't. I know I don't make a good impression on everyone, but that's how I scare away folks with whom I won't belong anyway.
I know some of my traits can be annoying. I leash the worst ones for those I love. But mostly, I want to be the most fully expressed me I can be.
We all want to be seen and loved as we are. That starts with being able to do it for yourself. From there, you’re ready to find someone worthy of the same.
Even if you’ve never felt comfortable in your own skin, it’s never too late. Confidence grows from doing the work (sorry—it’s not always as simple as fixing garlic breath) and embracing who you are. One of my “flaws”? I need a lot of space. I’ve come to accept it, and so has my partner.
If the first step is owning your quirks, the next is learning how to spot someone else’s—and see if they’re tolerable, even lovable. I’ve heard it over and over from happy couples: the thing that might have seemed like a red flag turned out to just be a “little thing” once the safety, physical intimacy, common interests, and values were there.
One of the secrets to finding and sustaining healthy love is knowing what’s most important to you in a partner, and the good news is that it’s a shorter list than you might think. Once basic needs are met, like a feeling of trust, a sense that your lives will intertwine well together, and attraction, you find that you can work through a lot of the other details.
When you find “your one,” you’ll want to know all their quirks. You’ll either love them, not mind them, or find a way to work with them. What you don’t want to do is ignore them. Or worse—pretend they aren’t there.
So, how honest should you be on a first date?
If someone shares something vulnerable early on, reward it with warmth, curiosity, and an honest answer of your own.
A few potentially awkward moments? Maybe. But also a great way to see if you’re a match for the long haul.
You’ll know it’s your person when they want to and get to know all of you—and love you anyway. Eyes wide open. Don't settle for anything less.
Want more support navigating the early stages of finding love? Go to lauriegerber.com/webinar and check out my free training: “3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love.”
Love,
