The "One" Didn’t Get Away: Letting Go and Moving Forward
First of all, there is no ONE “the one.”
Second of all, this notion that your "one" got away, whether because:
He picked someone else
You picked someone else
He had an insurmountable issue
He died
As a relationship coach, I can tell you: It just isn’t true.
Yes, he “got away.” But if he got away, he was not “your one,” or at least not your only one. A lot of people hold onto the idea that the last person they truly loved was the best they would ever do, and that belief reshapes their entire love life.
In my work with women over 50 who are back on the dating scene, I regularly battle my clients’ negative beliefs and theories about love. Some are easy to debunk. Others are not, especially when high expectations and low self-esteem have been reinforcing each other for a long time. Juanita, a listener of my podcast Love at Any Age, wrote to me about believing she had finally found a great guy, only to be deeply disappointed:
We were friends since childhood, came from similar socio-economic backgrounds, and grew up with volatile fathers. By our 20s, my being a few years older didn’t seem so big. We started going out, then after we became intimate, I found out he was engaged. I wasn’t sure if he was just playing around or if he was having second thoughts. I needed to know and to try to salvage our friendship at least, as we were both very involved in the same activities and shared a mutual friend circle, so we repeatedly ran into each other. It was just casual for him, and because we were drunk. But we managed to stay lifelong friends. It was hard to get over. Everyone else has always fallen far short by comparison.
Reading this broke my heart.
First, because of the brutal disappointment this woman felt. Second, because she was writing to me in her 70s, and this had happened decades ago, but, at the end of the day, it was still shaping her expectations about love. Then there was the fact that she put effort into changing his mind, something I see a lot of people do, which only prolongs the time spent without the true love of their lives.
And lastly, I cringed at the desire to stay friends. Staying connected can feel like a good idea, especially when there is history and shared community, but it often makes healing harder. Remaining close, especially when new sex partners or new relationships enter the picture, rarely works well. The true love of your life really doesn't want to have to compete with a ghost.
I teach women to choose men for long-term companionship by vetting for someone who fulfills the needs of all three Hs: their head, heart, and hoo-ha. So I had to write to this dear woman that she had missed one key criterion in the heart category that I insist all my clients include:
He chooses me.
I also advise everyone to put this on their "head" list:
He wants the same thing I want.
Meaning he is available for a new relationship if you are, and not half-in, half-out, or already committed elsewhere. These are not nice-to-haves. They are must-haves.
If you are dating and these ideas are not on your dealbreaker list, please add them. If you are trying to change someone’s mind to fit these criteria, that's one of the easiest ways to waste your own time and get hurt in the end. You are prolonging disappointment.
I told Juanita that by my math, there was no way this man could have fulfilled her three Hs. He may have been a meaningful person in her story, but he was not “the one.” He was a one that got away, not the one.
At that point, she had to begin the work of letting go, which is not always easy.
If someone who has chosen someone else, refused to commit, or passed away is still holding the place in your heart meant for your future, it is never too late to release them.
If your partner died, ask yourself whether they would want you to close up shop on love forever. Most people discover the answer is no. Honoring them does not require abandoning your own love life or giving up on the possibility of connection again.
There is no expiration date on love. Even if some voice in your head is telling you otherwise, your heart does not suddenly stop wanting companionship just because time has passed.
If you know you need help letting go of someone from your past who is still taking up space in your heart or head, watch or listen to this video:
Friends, I am an unequivocal believer that if you want to find love, you will. I have been helping people long enough to know there are obstacles. Thirty-four of them, to be precise. Letting go of the past is only one, but it is often the one that opens the door to everything else.
And the good news is this: it is a finite list, and the time to begin is always now.
Frequently Asked Questions about Letting Go of “The One” for Women Over 50
Why does a past relationship still affect my love life in my 50s or 60s?
Long relationships or emotionally intense connections can leave a lasting imprint, especially when they end without clarity or choice. For many women over 50, that relationship became a reference point during decades of dating, marriage, or singlehood. If it was never fully released, it can influence expectations and decisions even decades later.
Is it realistic to hope for a new relationship after 50?
Yes. Many women form deeply satisfying relationships later in life, often healthier than earlier ones. With age comes clearer boundaries, stronger self-esteem, and a better understanding of what truly matters. Those qualities make connection more likely, not less.
What if I feel guilty letting go of someone who was important to me years ago?
Letting go does not erase the love or meaning that the relationship had. It simply means you are no longer organizing your future around the past. At the end of the day, honoring your own life now is not a betrayal of what once mattered.
Does staying friends with an old love make dating harder at this stage of life?
Often it does. Many women over 50 find that maintaining contact keeps emotional doors half open, even when they believe they have moved on. If that friendship prevents you from fully engaging with new people, it may be time to reassess whether it is serving you.
What is the easiest way for women over 50 to open their hearts again?
The easiest way is to stop measuring today’s possibilities against yesterday’s memories. When you accept that the past relationship had limits and that you have grown since then, space opens for something new. A new relationship does not replace the old one. It simply belongs to the woman you are now.
Love,
