Giving Thanks for Past Loves: How Gratitude Heals the Heart
In this season of thanks-giving, I am going to lay out an unpopular opinion:
Every choice in love you’ve made in the past has been in your best interest!
"What, Laurie?" You must be asking yourself if I’ve gone off the deep end.
But I haven’t.
In fact, I’ve been coaching daters and couples for over 20 years, and I have heard every heartbreak story imaginable—from first boyfriends to long-term partners, from high school crushes to later-in-life new relationships. That’s exactly why it’s especially awesome news coming from me.
If you’re still grieving a past relationship or feeling unsure about dating again, I can understand why this declaration might seem insensitive or even absurd. So let me explain why gratitude for past loves—even the messy, painful ones—can shift your love life, your mental health, and open up the best new possibilities for future relationships.
Meet the Three Voters: Head, Heart, and Hoo-ha
To understand what I am about to say about past regrets or mistakes being learning tools, you have to understand the "3H method" from which I teach. The 3h's refer to the 3 voters inside of each of us.
Your head, your heart, and your "hoo-ha" have all been voting all along. You need to understand what each of your “H’s” has been after to see how you’ve been picking romantic partners—and how to choose better next time.
Head – This is the practical part of you that wants structure, partnership, and shared goals. It’s about the logistics of life—finances, physical health, family, your use of time and energy. This has always been about what looks good on paper, what makes your head happy, and what makes life with another person work well logistically.
Heart – The emotional self. This is about what you need in terms of affection, communication, kindness, humor, and connection. This is harder to define, but your heart knows when it's happy, when another person is bringing out your best, and when it just feels good to be in a relationship. Trust lives here.
Hoo-ha – The physical self. This is about what sparks attraction, chemistry, and desire. Sexual desire and physical intimacy are part of this. Were you hot for each other? Were you able to sustain good sexual intimacy and talk about it?
Most people—especially women who’ve been through hard times have thought they need to settle for one or two of these being “good enough.” You likely have been letting one lobby harder and win, leaving the other 1 or 2 out in the cold. You can't correct that until you can see the pattern clearly.
Maybe you always go for what turns you on, not realizing that in the end, it can never work logistically. Or maybe you love something that makes sense and is good on paper, but has no real spark. Or maybe the relationship looks good and has chemistry, but you don't really have a level of trust built that you need to feel safe. See how easy it is to convince yourself that if you have one or two of the H's satisfied, it would be too demanding to ask for all 3? That's fine for the past, but not for the future.
When you reflect on your past romantic relationships, you’ll see that each one was your teacher. Each helped you learn something about what you were after and what you were willing to forego. In each relationship, you forsaked one or two of the Hs in honor of another.
The Assignment: Chart Your Past Loves Using the 3H Method
Here’s a powerful exercise I use from The Handel Method® to help my clients see their patterns clearly:
Make a list of your past significant relationships. For each, jot down:
How long were you together
What was great about it
Why did you get together
Why did you break up
Who initiated the breakup
Any cheating or lying involved
BONUS: What patterns do you see that remind you of your own parents' relationships
Rate each past love on a scale of 1–10 for Head, Heart, and Hoo-ha (3 ratings for each past love)
When you finish, you’ll notice a pattern (or two) that’s been running your love life. Once you see it, it's impossible to escape the truth and...
You can change it.
If you never want to repeat them again, that takes a little more work, but here’s where to start:
1) Stop thinking of past relationships as curses or obstacles. Give thanks instead.
Without hard lessons, we literally don't learn. Think of all the things you feel so sure of now. You had to go through something to get there. Any relationship or talent that you cherish came with bumps, mistakes, failures, and hard times along the way. This is good, not bad.
It may sound like a difficult task, but expressing gratitude for past partners—even the ones who hurt you—frees you from resentment. Now you know your needs better, and you know your dealbreakers better.
Gratitude also boosts mental health and emotional resilience. Studies on gratitude interventions show that people who regularly express gratitude report lower levels of stress and higher overall life satisfaction. So, thanking you exes (even just in your own mind) has real strategic benefits for YOU!
2) Write a personal manifesto about how you’ve sold out in love before—and what your new rules of the road will be.
Here's your chance to draw your line in the sand and choose to go a different direction now. It's never too late.
Writing it out is a way to make it more concrete and actionable. Write down what you learned from doing the chart exercise, so it's crystal clear what patterns you are DONE repeating.
You could even do a ceremony with some prayer and burning of the paper. Better yet, do it with friends! Everyone has something from the past to release.
3) Tell everyone you trust about it and ask them to hold you accountable.
Like I said, changing your life is better with friends!
Share what you figured out with your support system—friends, coaches, maybe even your kids or community—and ask them to hold you to your new standards. It’s easier to keep gratitude alive when you’re surrounded by people who remind you how far you’ve come. Make sure you read your manifesto to the people in your life who are looking out for you and your dreams, before you burn it!
Letting go of the past will also increase your level of gratitude.
Spiritual significance of gratitude
One final note about gratitude. I have studied many spiritual traditions, and one thing comes through over and over again: the power of gratitude, as a frequency to tap into.
There is a reason gratitude is part of every prayer tradition. Gratitude is available at any time! It's completely abundant and it's free! You do not practice gratitude for others as much as for yourself--to put your heart in the right place.
Living your life from a space of gratitude, even for your exes makes you a more attractive and magnetic person. Gratitude opens the door to love.
I'm here to convince you that finding and maintaining healthy love with a suitable companion is possible for you.
Thank goodness you’ve been through what you’ve been through. Every relationship—every first date, every breakup, every moment of vulnerability—has brought you to this exact moment of awareness.
It is literally never too late to believe in love again—and to believe in love for you. Yes, you!
Want help putting these insights into action? Join Master the Art of Love for step-by-step guidance and community support—or take my free 1-hour training to learn how to align your Head, Heart, and Hoo-ha and attract love that lasts.
FAQs
How can I be grateful for a relationship that caused real pain or trauma?
Gratitude doesn’t mean approval. It means acknowledging that even hard experiences helped you grow in strength, awareness, and self-worth. You can honor the lesson without romanticizing the person or even forgiving bad behavior.
What if I’ve been single for a long time—how does gratitude help me now?
Gratitude helps you release fear and resentment, which opens emotional space for new people and experiences. It shifts your mindset from “what I lost” to “what I learned,” making dating feel exciting again instead of daunting.
How can I bring gratitude into my current relationship?
Express it daily. Compliment your partner, thank them for small things, and remember that appreciation is one of the most powerful ways to increase intimacy and long-term satisfaction.
I still feel regret about how I behaved in past relationships—what should I do?
Reflect honestly and write a letter of apology to the person. With the help of a therapist or coach, you may want to deliver that letter. There is no greater high + life enhancer than making amends.
How can working with a dating coach help me process past relationships and prepare for future ones?
A dating coach can help you see the patterns you’ve missed, guide you through the grieving process, and teach you tools to build healthier, happier future relationships. Coaching isn’t just about dating tips—it’s about improving your mental health, confidence, and clarity so you can attract love that aligns with your true self.