Are We Compatible? How to Know if You Should Proceed With a Particular Someone
November 14, 2023
How do I know if we are compatible?
A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that their partner needs to be the same as them–similar interests, similar finances, family situation and maybe even the SAME in some areas like: level of education, race, politics, religion.
Ironically, it is not likely that these similarities will insure the success of your relationship! But there is something that is very important that you have in common:
It is extremely important that you share similar values with the person you end up with!
I encourage my clients to think very carefully about the values that are most important to them. There should not be hundreds– but rather a handful of the most important, like, for example: honesty, loyalty, equality and making the world a better place.
Once you know your top 5 values you'd develop questions or design experiences to have together that would get at whether or not your potential partner shares these values.
To find out if someone values health and fitness you'd do a fitness activity with them. Someone who values service would enjoy volunteering together.
You also have to ask open ended questions to find out what someone values, like these:
- What do you most admire in your best friend, sister, brother, or parent?
- What are the qualities that you are looking for in a partner?
- If you could develop any new qualities, what would they be?
- If you only had a year to live, what would you do? What would be most important to you?
The trick is also to listen well when people answer so you really hear what they say vs. what you want to hear.
Compatibility isn’t JUST based on shared values though!
It is also equally based on:
a) your lives intertwining well because you want the same things.
b) you enjoying giving and receiving attention in the way the other person likes.
c) sexual chemistry, and liking (or being open to liking) the same things “in bed.”
It takes time and effort to establish trust, and learn all this about your potential partner, so make sure you are designing dates that give you plenty of time and space (and quiet) so you can dig into these topics.
And don’t rush intimacy or commitment. If it is meant to be, it will unfold naturally. But everything must be covered in early dating: Health, lifestyle, family, career, politics, religion, money and dreams for your life to name a few. Start where you are comfortable and if it's all rolling, and you're attracted, it'll be easy/fun to get to EVERY topic.
You may want to be done with dating and be tempted to rush or settle. Resist the urge and enjoy the process instead!
Wondering If You’re Compatible With Someone? Let’s Get Clear
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✅ Learn how to identify your top core values (and theirs)
✅ Discover what compatibility really means beyond surface traits
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Love,
Frequently Asked Questions about Compatibility in Dating
1. How do I figure out my top values in the first place?
Start by reflecting on what matters most to you in life and relationships—honesty, growth, contribution, family, health, etc. Choose the top 5 that feel non-negotiable, then use them as your compass when evaluating potential partners.
2. Can people with totally different interests still be compatible?
Yes. Shared hobbies are nice, but long-term compatibility is built on shared values, mutual respect, and aligned visions for life. You don’t need to like the same music—you need to want the same future.
3. What’s the best way to find out someone’s values without sounding like an interviewer?
Ask open-ended questions during relaxed moments—on a walk, over dinner, or while doing something active. Listen closely. People reveal their values through stories, choices, and what lights them up.
4. How important is sexual compatibility in early dating?
It matters, but it’s not the only thing. What’s more important is being open, curious, and communicative. Sexual connection can deepen over time if the emotional and lifestyle compatibility are strong.
5. I tend to rush into relationships—how do I slow down?
Get curious instead of attached. Focus on discovering who this person really is. Design dates that create space for real conversation. And remind yourself: clarity now saves heartache later.