The Step by Step Guide to Figuring Out What You Really Want
Last week, I told you I’d explain how my sense of priorities in relationship changed over the course of coaching. I had to reexamine my values because what I was valuing when I came to coaching wasn’t giving me the relationship I really wanted.
My values when I started coaching:
Fidelity
Equality
Support (mostly him of me 😉)
Showing Up and Keeping Commitments
Respect (mostly him of me)
Being A Good Parent
Universal Values?
As promised, I’ll tell you the MOST POPULAR values I see listed by my clients:
Trust
Loyalty
Care
If you didn’t do the exercise last week, here’s your chance to do it now. All the steps are in last week’s blog. If you are having trouble brainstorming ideas for values, here are some other popular choices to get your juices flowing, but please make up your own:
Honesty
Selflessness
Friendship
Love
Faithfulness
Compassion
Sex/Chemistry
Unconditional Love
Being There/Showing Up
Support
Intimacy
Growth
Raising children
Doing the Work
Doing the work to understand what’s going on behind the scenes: uncovering your hidden theories and unexamined philosophies, and letting them see the light of day, is the beginning of getting present to--and negotiating what you really want in--your relationship.
I recommend you approach these self-reflection exercises in the spirit of learning and fun, with the excitement that you’ll likely learn something new about yourself and your mate, and achieve an altogether different level of partnership, intimacy, and effectiveness.
The Worst That Can Happen
The very worst thing that can happen is that you find that your deep down values really don’t line up like you thought or wished they would. It’s my belief that on some level you already knew and felt that, but didn’t want to admit it. We know how to get you to deal with things. Here is the step by step process in a nutshell:
Write it down
Quantify it (by putting your list in order)
Tell the truth about it to your mate.
That’s what I had to do and as a result much juicy conversation unfolded and new dreams began to emerge. This is the “after” picture:
My values for my partnership upon reflection:
Care/Support
Listening
Honesty
Passion
Co-Dreaming
Cooperation/Teamwork
Loyalty
Many new ideas, and a new order of priority. This would have never been possible for me without a coach, and it’s part of why I so highly recommend private or group coaching. Please find out if it's right for you with a free consultation.
Want a Relationship That Reflects What You Truly Value?
If you’ve never stopped to ask yourself what you really want in love—or if your current relationship aligns with your deepest values—it’s time. I’ll walk you through how to tell the truth, negotiate your dreams, and build something real. Join me for my free webinar: “3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love.”
Frequently Asked Questions about Discovering Your Relationship Values
What if I’m not sure what my values even are?
That’s okay—most people aren’t! Start by listing what’s important to you in a relationship, then narrow it down by asking which ones you’d be unwilling to live without. Be honest, even if the answer surprises you.
Can I do this process if I’m single?
Absolutely. In fact, it’s the perfect time to do it. Knowing what you value most helps you date more intentionally and avoid falling into old patterns or settling for relationships that don’t truly fit.
What if my partner and I don’t share the same values?
The goal isn’t to match perfectly—it’s to understand one another and work toward shared priorities. Some differences are workable with communication and compromise; others might signal a deeper misalignment. Either way, honesty brings clarity.
How often should I revisit my values?
Relationships evolve, and so do you. Revisit your values once or twice a year—or whenever something feels “off” in your relationship. It’s a great way to check in and realign with your partner as life changes.
What if I’m scared to share my true values with my partner?
That’s totally normal. Vulnerability is part of growth. Start by sharing that you're doing this work because you care about the relationship. When you lead with curiosity and openness, you create safety for honest connection.