LaurieGerber.com Blog
AttractionDetermining Your Type in 3 Easy Steps
May 8, 2022
As a dating coach for women, I know you struggle with “your type.” How to find your type; do you even know what your type is; how to determine your type; and can you change your type?
Figuring out your type is a SACRED thing!
And I want you to reclaim it!
I don’t want you to think of it in a shallow way. Rather, I want you to know that your heart, head and body all have real, deep, true opinions about what’s best for you. You have a knowing, and it is very valuable to be able to articulate that!
When thinking about what you want, most of you are influenced by:
- Your parents
- Your culture
- Your religion
- Your friends
- The media
- Consumer culture (influencers!)
Most of you have barely ever really considered what YOU actually want.
If you’d have asked me before coaching what I wanted in a partner, I probably would have said:
- Good job
- Same religion as me
- Wants kids
- Blonde haired and blue eyed (thanks, Teen Beat Magazine)
But once I actually thought about it, it wasn’t true!! What I really wanted was this:
- Amazing financial partner and co-parent–true equals
- Would be ok for me to raise my kids with my religion
- Wants kids
- Willing to live in NYC
- I love how I feel in his arms
Folks, I cannot tell you how important it is to consider what you REALLY want and then write it down.
You have to address the needs of your Head, Heart, and Hoo-Ha, which I explain thoroughly in my FREE webinar, “3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love without Repeated Disappointments”.
In summary:
Here is what I’d like you to consider for Head:
- Location/Where you want to live
- Time/Availability
- Money/Wealth/Spending
- Holidays/Vacation
- Recreational Activities and Fitness
- Food and Eating
- Kids/Parenting/Family Life
- Job/Career/Retirement
- Politics
- Religion
- Pets/Allergies
- Education/Status
- Addictions/Bad Habits
- Health Issues
Here is what I’d like you to consider for Heart:
- Intensity/Energy
- Sense of Humor
- Communication Style: Speaking/Listening
- Level of Independence
- Amount of Attention You Need
- Activities
- How they show up with Family
- How Your Dreams and Goals Intersect
Here is what I’d like you to consider for Hoo Ha:
- Looks
- Age
- Weight
- Height
- Smile
- Clothing
- Sex appeal
- Kisses How you Like It
- Likes the same style of intimacy/sex
- Level of openness
Please only pick 5-10 in each category, forcing you to really narrow in on what’s most important to you. The fewer things on your list, the more choices you will have. Having a very narrow type isn’t all that helpful; taking stock of the most important things, and the dealbreakers, is!
If you are having trouble narrowing down the list, here are some questions to ask yourself about each criteria (but also, watch the webinar):
- Who gave you the idea to care about that?
If it’s just what your friends or parents told you was important, dig a little deeper! - Why do I care about that?
For example, I thought I needed to marry someone Jewish because I wanted to give my kids the experiences I had as a kid. I ended up marrying a Presbyterian who was happy to support that and eventually converted. If I hadn’t realized what I really cared about, I would have narrowed my search unnecessarily. - If all else was great, would I really care about that?
It was easy to see that if all my other criteria were met and I was attracted, I wouldn’t care about height, eye color, or hair color, so I removed them from my list! There are only a few deal breakers, so make sure those are “bold” on your list so that they stand out. - How do I want to feel?
I put the criteria on my list for a reason. The reason was the way I thought the thing would make me feel. For example, I thought “a good job” for my partner would make me feel equally met, but it wasn’t a good job that ensured that, after all. There have been times each of us has been unemployed, and we were still financial partners. There were times each of us was primary caregiver, but we were always great co-parents.
When we are coming up with what we want in our partners, it’s not always obvious. Sometimes we are completely unrealistic or don’t dare say what we really want.
You are conditioned to think of the route, not the destination. You want to fix your mistakes from before but may accidentally then bring too much bias into the next relationship.
You may think you know what will make you happy, but you don't!
Be willing to be surprised that you might really fall for someone who wasn’t what you thought were your criteria, because they meet your actual criteria, vs. your shallow criteria.
This should help you a lot if you’ve been struggling with dating and becoming more disappointed with time.
Love, Laurie
FAQ: What is my type?
When most people think of type, they only think of what they are attracted to. Usually it’s about height, body type, and eye and hair color. Unfortunately, those are usually not indicators of success or happiness in a relationship. “Type” is actually a matter of your head, heart and hoo-ha. You have a “type” when it comes to practical life choices, a type when it comes to how you want to feel and a type when it comes to what turns you on. We call these 3 voters inside of everyone –the head, heart and hoo-ha or the 3Hs. Learn more about the 3H’s here.
FAQ: How do you know your type?
The best way to know your type is to look at your relationship history. When you take an honest look at what you’ve chosen in the past, and what has worked or not worked about it, you can see you have a pattern. Maybe your type is one who looks good on paper, but there’s no chemistry. Or your type might be the hot bad boy who ends up hurting you. Or you might really love the truly unavailable type–whether that’s a matter of logistics or emotional availability.
One of my patterns was to go back and forth between the “good on paper” and the “hot” type. Exhausting! You can discover your own type by looking at your patterns. You can also change your type, once you’ve discovered the patterns. People who end up happy in love often report having been surprised by what they turned out to need from the other person, or be attracted to. That’s hopeful: it means you can change your type!
FAQ: How to find my type?
Many women over 50 complain to me that they cannot find good men to date. They can’t find “their type.” The answer to how to find your type has several steps.
- Determine your type (see above)
- Articulate it to the people who love you, and state it clearly on your dating profile
- Be equal to him. Deserve him.
- Believe your type exists. If you exist, why wouldn’t he? Give up your bad theories, and prove he exists by looking out for examples of your type instead of thinking negatively.
- Go to the places he hangs out. That means gatherings, events, church, the golf course, Meetup groups, Facebook, community events, parties, niche dating sites, generic dating sites, and so forth.
FAQ: What if I keep attracting the wrong type?
Good news: you can change your type!! But first, you have to know what your type is. Once you understand your patterns, tell everyone who will listen, but mainly your friends, your family, and anyone you date. It’s like saying you are allergic to peanuts: if you mean it, people will respect it and not offer you peanuts!
Once you know what not to do, you can work on what you should do:develop a list of 3H criteria using the lists I gave you in this blog, and search for your next love using those criteria. Some will be nice to have, and some will be must haves, aka dealbreakers. Find out about deal breakers within the first 3 dates, and abort the mission if you find one. This way, you will not have a chance to fall in love with “your old type” again.
FAQ: What if I do not know what I want?
Going through your relationship history, as suggested above, will help you see what attracted you and kept you with certain people. It’s not a problem that you like certain things: the problem is what you sell out on to get those things, and that you don’t believe you can have it all with one person. So let’s imagine that what you have chosen in terms of qualities is a clue to what you want, even though you haven’t picked the right person…yet.
