Become More Competent at Love: Learn the Art of The Bandaid Trade 🩹
It’s scary to rip off a bandaid. That's why you just have to commit and do it all at once. It stings for a few seconds, and then it’s over –the wound can breathe, and do its last steps of healing!
Giving your partner feedback about something that is not working is a lot like that.
It’s scary.
You gotta resolve to just deal with it.
It’s best if you do it all at once with the knowledge that the discomfort lasts only a short time, and it won’t kill you.
The Bandaid Trade
My husband coined a phrase for when two members of a couple try to improve an area of life: The Bandaid Trade. When a bandaid trade happens, we each rip off the other one’s bandaids….in other words, we each let the other person know what’s not working, in a way that brings the least harm.
The Bandaid trade is designed to restore emotional and physical integrity. It helps you feel better, and it helps you make new plans together. The telling, the ripping off of the bandaid–it hurts for a second, but it’s worth it!
How to Be Successful at the Bandaid Trade
Set it up Well: That means set aside time alone when emotions are calm. Everyone must be fed, rested, sober, and not distracted by anything else. Bring a pad to take notes.
State the purpose: Examine the highest purpose of telling the truth to each other (e.g., to make our relationship great, to get on the same page, to cause ecstatic joy for each other). Once you know the purpose–state it, and keep returning to it if the conversation gets off track. Mean it, and return to it.
State your experience: That means you describe and own your perceptions and your perspective, as opposed to stating your experience as fact or blaming. Describe how it makes you feel. Ask questions if you are unsure of your partners’ perspective.
Turn it around: Ask your partner to tell you their experience of the issue, and listen to their answer. Reflect back what you heard, so they know you got it.
Resolution: You may come to see eye to eye, or you may agree to disagree and require a negotiation. Either way, end with a plan for how to move forward that you both can live with. State it clearly, and write it down. Plan to revisit it in a month so nobody feels trapped.
Rather, the ethos is: we are learning together, testing new, things and continuously refining our awesomeness as a couple.
Want examples?
Listen to the Instagram Live from March 18th, where my husband Will and I told each other what wasn’t working about our sex lives! If you need support in saying hard things to your partner, join Master the Art of Love.
If you are too scared to do this process out of the blue, just forward this newsletter to your partner, to get the ball rolling. We love meddling in your life to make it better! xoxoxo
