Your Parents, and Why You Suck at Love the Same Ways They Did
Fact: If you grow up in a French-speaking home, you will learn French.
Why would it be any different when it comes to what you learn about love?
Try this pop quiz: Love is: ________.
Did you say “pain,” grand,” “blind”? You know what I said? “Something that grows over time.”
Why was that my fill in the blank?
Because it’s what I learned from watching and listening to my parents. I’ll bet you that whatever instantly popped into your head, to fill in that blank, has something to do with what you learned growing up.
It’s unavoidable. As you are going from fetus to teenager, you cannot help but absorb all that is explicitly said to you, and implicitly implied to you, by the people who raised you. In fact, it’s practically your full time job in the first years to do so!
Ask yourself these questions:
What do I believe about love?
What’s my biggest mistake when it comes to choosing who to love?
When I fight badly, what do I do?
What’s my biggest issue in communication?
What have been my partners' greatest complaints about me?
Do I stay too long when I should go? Or do I leave too fast?
Once you have some good honest answers to those questions (written down), go back through each one and connect the dots. Did one of the people who raised you have that same belief, or bad habit? Or is your issue a reaction to how one of them behaved?
Answer this: How do all of your issues make sense, given your lineage?
🎵Once you do the work, you’ll be able to see:🎵
🎶You're just an apple, that’s close to the tree.🎶
Yes, you may have tried to do the opposite of what your parents did– but often it turns out looking pretty similar. It might seem like bad news.
But why is this good news?
Two reasons:
You can stop blaming yourself for issues, and start focusing on solving them! It’s not your fault lineage repeats, but it is your opportunity to honor your lineage by breaking it!
Maybe you now can have a little more compassion for your parents? ‘Cuz guess where their issues come from? And if you haven’t figured it out yet, their slowness is forgivable. After all, they were raised by cavepeople!
It’s almost absurd how much lineage repeats, and that’s why I encourage you to laugh your way out of it! With a light-hearted guffaw, make the promises you need to to avoid your past pitfalls (better yet, take them to a coach, or a community).
No two lists of promises will be the same!
You might need help coming up with yours. (We’re available to help, here.) When I did my own inventory, I pinpointed 2 things from my parents' example that I did not want to repeat (no offense, mom and dad): I wanted to be less selfish, and I wanted to re-ignite my sex life and commit to it getting better over time.
I made the following promises:
No more interrupting my partner.
Three romantic gestures towards my partner per week.
Ask him every night: What can I do for you?
Have sex with him twice a week.
Whoa, people–everything changed for the better.
And let me remind you, I didn’t do this from a place of self-blame or shame. Rather, with my head held high, I thought–I can do better, and I am going to go for it.
You can do this too. Just follow my steps for honoring your lineage by breaking it (don’t forget the guffaw step!)
