Bad Listeners Never Run Out of Excuses. Check These Out!
January 29, 2023
I was the worst!
Meaning, I got a lot of feedback that I was a bad listener.
So it’s from experience I can tell you, excuses are what keeps the bad behavior in place.
Have you encountered any of these?
1) EXCUSE: I'll forget what I am going to say if I don't interrupt.
TRUTH: Probably not. Even if I do, so what? When someone else is talking, unless they are excessive, it’s time to listen, not plan my response. And lastly, I could take notes if I am really scared to forget my thoughts.
2) EXCUSE: This is just how I am, it’s my conversation style, my culture.
TRUTH: It’s true but it’s not a life sentence. I have changed many things about myself over the years and so have other people. The past does not predict the future. With the proper incentive or consequence people are capable of enormous changes. And I’d be proud to change in this way.
3) EXCUSE: It’s so boring, I have to keep this conversation moving.
TRUTH: If I’m complaining about boredom, I’m not really listening to the words and feelings of the other person. I am boring myself with my own bratty thoughts actually. Life and other people are NOT inherently boring. And if the other person truly does not interest me, that’s another, different problem. I owe good listening to even FIND OUT!
4) EXCUSE: If you wanna be heard, speak up. It’s not my fault you can’t advocate for yourself.
TRUTH: Yikes, asshole! (But I really think that sometimes) This is so clearly a cultural belief that is the farthest from the kind of inclusive human being I want to be. There are so many reasons people don’t speak up or advocate for themselves and it’s actually my job to help them do so, not punish them for not doing so.
If you are someone who has a hard time getting people to listen to you, here is some insight into the excuses that justify their behavior.
If you are someone who uses excuses for interrupting or just not listening well, do these cover it? Or do you have different ones?
I had to really get over my bad, blaming attitude to become a good listener. I still tend to think all of these excuses inside my own head, I just see them for what they are, excuses. And instead of focusing on the excuses, I focus on who I want to be (caring, inclusive, interested) and how I want to behave (waiting my turn to speak).
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Love,
Frequently Asked Questions about Listening and Dating
1. Is interrupting really that big of a deal?
Yes—especially in early dating. Interrupting makes people feel dismissed or unimportant. Even if your intention is enthusiasm, the impact is usually disconnection.
2. What if I forget what I was going to say if I don’t speak up?
That’s okay. It’s more respectful to lose a thought than to bulldoze someone mid-sentence. You can always jot down a quick note or trust that the conversation will flow back.
3. Can listening habits really change if it’s “just the way I am”?
Absolutely. Listening is a skill, not a personality trait. With awareness, accountability, and a little practice, you can completely transform how you show up in conversation—and in relationships.
4. What if the person I’m dating is boring or rambles too much?
Be honest with yourself—are they truly uninteresting, or are you impatient? Good listening includes curiosity and empathy. And if they’re truly not a match, that’s useful information too.
5. How do I become a better listener without losing my voice?
It’s not about staying silent—it’s about timing. Let the other person finish, then respond thoughtfully. When both people feel heard, the whole dynamic shifts for the better.