Apology Pitfalls Are Everywhere. I'll Tell You How to Avoid Them

Here is another example of a bad apology. If you missed last week’s example, here’s the link.

VERSION 1

“I know you say I always interrupt. I am really really sorry, it’s just that I am afraid I will forget what I am going to say. I don’t mean any harm. Please forgive me, I am sorry.”

Did you catch the excuse making and the defense? Also, there was no acknowledgement of the impact or promise for the future. 

Beware of the human tendency to be defensive and remember defensiveness does not create emotional resolution.

The format of a good apology should go like this: 

• I am sorry for X (describe completely and accurately). 

• I imagine it must have felt Y. 

• I am sorry because Z. 

• Here is how I am going to be different in the future….

VERSION 2

“I am so sorry for interrupting. You have told me how much you hate it. I am finally starting to realize how disrespectful it is. You must feel so disregarded when I do that.  I am so sorry for having interrupted you so many times over the years and never even considered stopping. I’m sorry because you deserve to be listened to. At our wedding, I promised to love, honor and cherish you forever and I’ve never really listened to a whole story, without interrupting. Not cool. You have my promise that I will stop being entitled to interrupt you and I will do my best to stop myself. If I fail, I will do one of your chores as a compensation. It’s the least I can do.”

So much better right? Version 2 avoided all the pitfalls!

Let’s review:

These are the most common pitfalls of bad apologies:

1) Subtly accusing the other person of being oversensitive or other subtle jabs.
2) Being sarcastic.
3) Under or overstatements.
4) Defending yourself by pointing out what they do.
5) Defending yourself by giving excuses or reasons why it makes sense.
6) Weak attempts at resolution.

You’re going to be tempted to defend yourself. You might even tell yourself you’ll be making them feel better if you EXPLAIN! Please try to avoid that, because the listener can usually detect it when you’ve diverted the attention from being about them back to it being about you. 

Big tip: Apologies are not about you!

When you are apologizing you are getting into the other person’s world. This does not invalidate yours. You can have a turn to be heard too, but don’t mix it in with the apology!

Here are the steps I recommend:

• Write up your apology.

• Spot check what you wrote for the above pitfalls.

• Take any jabs or defense out.

• Make sure you have a good plan in mind for how to fix the issue.

• If you are at the point you can make a promise to stop doing the behavior, fantastic! 

• Sometimes all you can authentically promise is to a) talk it through and come up with a plan or b) get professional help. Commit to something.

The purpose of an apology is to own your part and have the other person feel cared for. 

Most people need to know you’ve taken their world into consideration before they are likely to take yours into consideration.

If love “as a verb” means to care about the other person’s experience as much as you do your own, the act of effectively apologizing tips the scales towards caring about them, with the hope that you will receive the same in return.

For people who are mentally well and with whom the wounds are not that deep, this is a great strategy and opens up a great pathway for you to also talk about what you need. 

Sometimes hurts are deep and long standing and it may take time and a change of actions after an apology before the other party is ready to listen to your stuff. 

In other situations, the other person might not be mentally well enough to ever be able to respond to your concerns, in which case you should still do the work to express it all–sorries and concerns –in order for you to learn and grow, regardless of whether or not the other person changes. You may not need to share with the person to get resolved and you may choose to share it but not expect a reciprocal response.

You wouldn’t expect an unwell person to change in the same way as you would if you were working with someone mentally well who wanted to work on the relationship.

We’ve been working on the deep and heavy stuff of conducting meaningful deep relationships. I hope you will save and share links to this information so that the people in your life will get on board with this heartfelt way of doing things with you.

Please keep in touch with me about how it’s going on Instagram or here in the comments.