Effective Apologies: This Is How They Work
The format of a good apology should go like this:
I am sorry for X (describe completely and accurately).
I imagine it must have felt Y.
I am sorry because Z.
Here is how I am going to be different in the future….
Here is an example of a bad apology….
I am sorry for yelling. You have told me a million times you don’t like it. Just like I don’t like when you nag me for sex. Sometimes I just can’t help it, I do not feel like I can get my point across any other way. But I know it’s wrong and I will try my best to do better in the future. Please remind me when I forget.
Notice what the apologizer is doing?
She keeps weaving in her own point and putting in jabs. “A million times” is a subtle jab. “Just like I don’t like it when you nag me for sex” is diverting to a complaint of hers and “try my best” is a weak commitment. Lastly, “Please remind me” is putting the onus on the other person rather than taking it on herself.
The format of a good apology should go like this.
I am sorry for X (describe completely and accurately).
I imagine it must have felt Y.
I am sorry because Z.
Here is how I am going to be different in the future….
Here is an example of a good apology:
When I am upset I raise my voice. Especially when we talk about sex, the kids or your siblings. Rather than talking nicely, I get upset and I scream. I know that it hurts you and makes you feel unloved. I am so sorry for raising my voice in spite of you telling repeatedly that my raised voice shuts down our conversation. Please forgive me for doing this as I know it draws us away from each other. I know even if I am upset it does not give me the right to yell or scream and that it won’t help us. I commit to explaining my concerns in a calm way from now on. Let’s set up a meeting time each day so I can practice this rather than it coming out any time.
Now, think of someone you owe an apology to. Then write the apology out and make sure it covers all the following:
State the issue specifically
Imagine what it is like for the other person and how it makes them feel
Own what you can own
Apologize authentically
Make any promise for the future you can.
Next week I’ll review the common pitfalls of bad apologies–wait for it before you conduct your apology, because I want you to nail it!
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