#1 Dating Tool: How to Use the 3H Chart Whether You're on the Hunt Or Long-Term Committed
May 1, 2022
If you use my #1 most useful dating tool, the 3H chart, you can really avoid heartbreak!
What, you may be asking, are the 3H’s?
3H’s refer to the 3 critical voters inside each of us that need to be satisfied in order for us to be happy in love. They stand for:
- The head: what’s practical and what looks good on paper.
- The heart: what you care about and what makes you FEEL good.
- The hoo-ha: what turns you on.
Each one has a voice–and in the pursuit of earnestly looking for your person, you always have to consult all 3. Whether you like it or not, they each have an opinion at all times. Maybe you’ve been ignoring one or two or over-valuing one at the expense of the others?
People often sell out on one or more of the H’s and end up regretting it later.
For example, you may have chosen the person who looked great on paper and was nice, but there was no spark. Or they were super hot so you justified the no heart connection. Or maybe, you are still trying to make it work with someone who lives somewhere far away or doesn’t want what you want.
This is very common.
Have you ever picked someone because they satisfied one or two of the H’s, but not the others?
This is a pitfall that can be avoided by using the #1 Dating Tool I recommend to my clients: The 3H chart.
In summary, here is how you create your chart:
Step 1: Determine your criteria for your head, heart and hoo-ha. For ex. for head: lives within 25 miles, for heart: laughs at my jokes, for hoo-ha: I love his kiss.
Step 2: List 5-10 of the most important criteria in each respective column.
Step 3: If it’s a dealbreaker, make it bold. It might be great to have someone tall, but if everything else was awesome, it’s not a dealbreaker. On the other hand, non-smoker might be a dealbreaker.
If you want step by step guidance in how to “determine your type” using the 3H criteria please make sure to watch my free webinar “3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Live without Repeated Disappointments” where I lay it all out.
Here is an example:
Each time you go on a date you will color code your chart. Red means it’s a NO, green means it’s a yes, and yellow means “so-so” or “I don’t know yet”. The game is to have everything red or green and all Hs at an 8 or above overall on a scale of 1-10, by the 3rd date, or abort the mission.
Determining what overall rating to give in each category is not an exact science but you’ll get good at it with practice. 1 is the worst, 10 is unsustainably fabulous. “I don’t know” is a 6.5. A 7 is fine, and an 8 is pretty good, a keeper. 8 or above across all 3Hs is what we’re going for and this helps you tell the whole truth about all of it, as you go!
Love,
Laurie
FAQ: How do I know if something is a “nice to have” or a “dealbreaker?”
When you look at your whole list of 3H criteria you will see that a good number of the criteria you could live without as long as all the other things were true. Ask yourself that for each thing–if all the others were present, could I live without X. Most women end up seeing that their musts come down to some version of this list:
- Intellectually compatible
- I don’t have to be the sole money provider
- He makes sense for my life (including he doesn’t have X habit or bet that I can’t live with)
- Our dreams intertwine easily
- I feel safe and seen
- We have fun together
- I am attracted to him
- The sex is good
Your deal breakers on your chart should sound like those. Everything else is a nice to have but not a must.
FAQ: What if I don’t think attraction matters that much?
Sometimes if we’ve been burned by people we were attracted to, or don’t have the faith that they will pick us back, we turn against the concept of chemistry altogether! That’s a mistake. Each of the 3Hs–the head, heart and hoo-ha all get an equal vote. If you leave any of them out (in this case hoo-ha) you will end up suffering in the long run. You may be able to sacrifice one for a little while but you don’t want to get stuck in a relationship with no heat. Let yourself dream of the whole package again.
FAQ: What if I have NEVER chosen right?
There are some people who have never succeeded in love. A common denominator is often that they cared for or lost a loved one who still holds a part of their heart and they are often very busy with career, children or both. That is, until now. There is a reason love keeps knocking on the door of your heart as a possibility. Because everyone has a right to it, no matter how old you are!
FAQ: What if I am attracted to bad boys?
It is possible to change your type. Just because you had a certain habit in the past doesn’t mean you will keep having it. People quit smoking and drinking every day, Quitting bad boys is the same as quitting other things. You have to admit you have a problem. The relationship history assignment helps with that, and then you have to take it one day at a time. Support from friends and family is also really important because a lapse could happen when you least expect it.
FAQ: How do I know if the people I date are telling the truth?
Sadly, you have to assume that most humans lie. Watch my TedX talk on the subject of lying and you will understand that everyone is doing it. The best chance you have of learning the truth about how someone you are dating really fits your criteria is being honest yourself, that is not pretending to be someone you're not. Being honest about your own potential liabilities in a relationship and what you’re looking for often inspires others to do the same. And the more truthful you are the better you’ll be at detecting BS in others.
