Why My Coach had a Great Marriage and I Didn’t
"What’s the purpose of my marriage?" I had never asked myself that question.
Upon reflection, I could hear the voice of my parents in my head: to avoid loneliness. To enable parenting.
Those were the values my parents lived by, and taught me--and I swallowed them, hook, line and sinker. That’s where I was always aiming when looking for love. It’s sad to report that before I met my coach, I was failing: I wasn’t parenting all that well, despite having an awesome co-parent, and I still felt lonely, even though I slept next to my husband Will every night.
I also wasn’t dreaming for myself.
I would never let a client get away with a “dream” as dreary as “Avoid Loneliness and Enable Parenting.” I clearly needed a vivid dream, written from my heart and my own creativity, not limited by my past or my upbringing. I had to look at other people’s examples outside my own family.
My coach’s marriage provided a new example of something I could get excited to want.
She had all the independence and autonomy I wanted, with the complete togetherness/ intimacy I was craving. More astounding, she had two little kids just like I did, and she was tending to her sex life and keeping it active and hot. Whoa!
Her example made me realize that one of the main purposes of marriage, given it was designed to be more than a committed friendship (see my parents), was to have a ready sex partner--and if we’re going to get dreamy, to enjoy an active, interesting sex life!
Have you asked yourself "what’s the purpose of my union"?
People give all sorts of answers to this question. One common theme for the couples that come to me is that “Sex” is rarely on their list, and if it is, it’s pretty far down, and usually on only one partner’s list. Even though sex is the main connection which differentiates a marriage/love partnership from a friendship, it seems to disappear as a criteria for some people, once they’re committed.
For you, sex might be a no brainer, or might have slipped your mind. Or there might be a different shocker, when you look at what you think the purpose of the relationship is vs what your partner thinks. You won’t know until you do the exercise below. Are you brave enough to look under the hood?
Here’s the exercise:
Take out a blank sheet of paper or open a spreadsheet and brainstorm the purposes you have for your union.
Consider all areas of life: Health, Career, Money, Home, Community, Parenting, Friendship, Love, Sex, Time, etc. They all come into play. Make sure all your purposes are captured but pick only your top 5-10.
Now put your top 5-10 in order from most to least important, for you.
Ask your mate to do the same exercise.
Have a special date in which you share your answers with each other and notice what’s the same and different.
Post a comment in the blog if you have a question, or bring your discoveries to the next Love-in community meeting if you’re a member.
If you are not a member: JOIN US!
In next week’s newsletter, I’ll show you some examples my clients have created. I’ll share my original purpose with you, and then the new and improved one I created after a little coaching. Lastly, I’ll give you the next exercise to do with your mate, to bring more understanding to the values you may (or may not) share!
All of this is leading up to you discovering what it is you really want, so you can ask for it, and get it!
