These Excuses are Killing Your Relationship
Everyone makes excuses about their relationship. I know I did. My first round had to do with being better than most, then I blamed my partner and then finally resorted to believing I had tried everything.
There is nothing wrong with excuses except they obscure the truth.
One thing I’ve noticed in my 18 years of coaching couples is that people can be working VERY HARD to do better in their relationship, but if they are focused on the wrong stuff –it’s USELESS!
First you figure out what isn’t the problem, then you can figure out what is!
According to the Handel Method, the coaching methodology I teach, there are 8 brands of excuses that show up the most often. Here is the outline below:
The Don’t-Care Excuse. You convince yourself it's good enough, you aren’t suffering enough to put in the effort.
The Passive Excuse. It is what it is. It’s beyond your control.
The Genetic Excuse. You were born this way. They were born this way. It’s hardwired.
The Victim Excuse. Nothing’s your fault, you can’t help it. The kids or your schedule or your boss or your partner’s fault. You’re exhausted and overburdened.
The Everyone Else Excuse. Nobody else is still having sex after X years of marriage. The fizzle is okay because: that’s “normal.”
The Past-Precedent Excuse. You’ve never been able to make it great before. You’ve tried so many times. No relationship has worked out, no strategy has worked, why would things change now?
The How-Things-Are Excuse. What you want is not possible for you. Due to your childhood, there is very little chance for relationships going well for you.
The Done-Enough Excuse. Isn’t it ever enough? Isn’t parenting and working enough? Why is this (having a great relationship) your job too? Why do you always have to do the work. Geez.
Do any of these sound like what goes on in your head? Take a minute to jot down your favorites. And now I present to you the most popular I have heard from clients by category:
DON’T CARE
It’s good enough, I should be grateful for what IS working.
They aren’t trying, so why should I?
PASSIVE
It’s always like this for me, I have to make my peace.
There is nothing I can do.
GENETIC
I just am this way, bad at love.
They just are that way (fill in your complaint here).
VICTIM
They started it.
They’re worse.
They will never change.
My childhood/their childhood means success is impossible.
I’m too tired/busy.
EVERYONE ELSE
All relationships suck, who’s nailin it?
PAST PRECEDENT
It has never worked before, why would it work now?
DONE ENOUGH
I’ve tried everything.
I’m always the one who has to do everything, I quit.
I hear you and I feel you and it’s not that these excuses aren’t legit or factually accurate, it's just that they are not worth selling out your dream for LOVE over!!
Excuses rob you of your confidence and your happiness because they get you off the hook from taking action!
You have to do something about your dream in order to realize it:
Debunk your excuses
Get into action!
Ready to Stop Letting Excuses Run Your Love Life?
Your relationship doesn’t improve just because you work hard—it improves when you work on the right things. If you’re stuck in blame, burnout, or hopelessness, I’ll show you how to get unstuck and back into loving action. Join me for my free webinar: “3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love.”
Frequently Asked Questions about Letting Go of Excuses in Relationships
How do I know if I’m making an excuse or just facing a real issue?
Start by asking: Is this thought empowering or disempowering? Excuses often sound like facts but lead to inaction or hopelessness. Real issues inspire you to take responsibility for what you can shift.
What if I’ve already tried everything?
Most people say this after trying a handful of strategies. If you haven’t tried with full truth-telling, consistent follow-up, and clear goals—there’s still more to do. “Everything” is rarely the end. It’s usually a call to level up your approach.
Why do excuses feel so convincing?
Because they often contain partial truths. Maybe your partner is difficult, or your schedule is full—but the excuse turns it into a dead end instead of an obstacle to work around. That’s the difference.
Isn’t it exhausting to always be the one doing the work?
It is exhausting when it’s out of resentment. But when you lead with intention, and shift the dynamic through clear communication and action, the results often invite your partner to meet you there. Doing the work first doesn’t mean doing it forever alone.
Can I really change my relationship without changing my partner?
Yes—and it starts with changing your mindset, your approach, and your communication. That alone can alter the emotional climate of your relationship and inspire different behavior from your partner. You are more powerful than you think.
