In Conflict, Do You Own Your Part? Ask Yourself These 8 Questions!
When you are giving negative feedback, do you own your part first?
All issues have two sides.
If you want the person to whom you are complaining to care about your experience, you'd better own your part first!
The other day I was talking to a client, Stacy, and she was complaining about her ex not paying child support. When she had to own her part she went through stages of awareness.
First, she could see she had been avoiding conflict for years. Then she could see she wasn’t speaking up, which was HER issue. But finally she had to own the down and dirtiest part. She had to confess that-- as long as she played the victim and made her ex out to be the jerk, she could go on feeling in control, entitled to what she wanted, and justified in feeling sorry for herself.
And for most people, when feeling sorry kicks in, vices kick in too.
If pity parties weren’t catered, how long would they really last?
When you feel sorry for yourself, do you eat? Drink? Smoke? Gossip? Shop? Get lost in screens? Sleep more than you should?
These are just some of the distractions/quick highs most humans like to indulge in when they feel sorry for themselves, not realizing how much they end up thinking they “deserve” them.
Once that pattern is in place, it’s very hard to break, because you start having to believe the situation is hopeless in order to get the “cookie” you think you deserve and….
Your incentive to fix the problem goes WAY DOWN.
It’s really hard to admit your role in whatever you are complaining about. I know! Me too.
But as someone who has eaten heaping platters of crow, I can attest- it always pays off.
It’s a relief to know you have dominion over your life-- and it is incredibly helpful in diminishing the defense of the other person. Even if the other person is “more” in the wrong or you think what they are doing is more harmful, there is always some part that is yours.
Some things to consider:
Did you wait too long to speak up?
Did you clearly express what you wanted/needed and follow it up?
Did you suspect there might be a failure to execute and ignore your instinct to provide further support?
Did you pick someone who does the same negative things you do, but you think does them worse? Like maybe he lies about where he is but you lie about spending?
Are you getting any secret satisfaction or gain out of them failing, for example, you feel more justified in doing your bad behavior or you get to feel “better than.” Is there some way you can punish or hold it against them later that’s a payoff for you?
Does the other person’s bad behavior get you off the hook for something such as sex, intimacy, showing up in a way you’ve agreed to show up?
Have you been observing negative behavior in a biased way and not giving credit for behavior that’s positive?
Have you been nagging, shaming, getting angry, being demoralizing or demonizing in response to the behavior you don’t like?
Here is what I have learned from working with lots of couples. Birds of a feather flock together. Aka, you are likely “two peas in a pod.” Like attracts like, and dozen other clichés that make the same point.
If you don’t like what’s showing up in them, figure out how you do it too. It will make you more humble and easier to listen to when you are laying out your complaints.
If you can admit how you do the same thing, first to yourself, and then to your partner--you will decrease the level of accusation and judgment substantially. The point, after all, is love and understanding. This is the work to get there.
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