3 Curious Things We Learned from Practicing Listening 🙉
The Love-in Community, where until recently I did my group coaching (I’m now at Master the Art of Love), conducted a listening clinic. Yep, we've been practicing our drills and improving our speaking and listening skills. There are 3 important takeaways we've gathered from this work.
1) People say all kinds of ridiculous things if they think you aren't paying attention.
How do I know?
Because as soon as we started listening and taking notes, and saying back what we heard, people started speaking more clearly, getting to the point, and going deep on what they thought and how they felt.
In other words, the more we paid attention, the more the truth emerged. If you find that the people around you get away with lying, guess what? It means you are not a very patient listener. As you start listening more effectively, people will be more likely to tell the truth, and you'll become more adept at telling fact from BS.
Real attention is severely lacking in these parts. When it is received, it is unexpected, and if you give it, people will feel compelled to share things with you. If someone is asking for more attention from you, it may be the quality that needs to improve, not the quantity!
That could be very good news. It costs you nothing but presence to make this improvement!
2) There are some tricks to listening well.
Before anything else, remember that good listening does not require you to agree with the speaker.
In addition, you don't have to believe that the other person is being truthful or speaking logically. You just have to try to capture how they see things and how they feel. Take notes! Pause them if they are talking too fast or confusing you.
Check in to see if you understand what they are saying by saying back what you heard. Ask them if you got it right, and if there is more.
How you’ll know you are listening well is if people want to talk to you and people feel calmer after talking to you. If you hear something new, you can also tell that you are listening effectively.
3) There are some tricks to getting people to listen to you.
You'll have better luck if you explain your motivation for speaking with them, and assure them that you are not angry, in order to lessen defensiveness.
You must get consent before you start speaking. The first step is to own your part (more on that next week!). Likewise, refrain from making demands or accusations and instead use sentences that start with "I feel," "I need," or "I request." Instead of an offense versus defense dynamic, it's all about being teammates, working on solving a problem.
I used to try and win conversations (and arguments) with my husband as if he was on an opposing football team. Everything changed the moment I realized we are truly on the same team and began speaking as such.
It’s possible I would not have believed you if you told me these things, before I saw them so clearly demonstrated on the court. For these lessons to truly sink in, you'll need to practice.
