The Biggest Dating Dealbreakers for Women
One moment you're excited about a potential partner, and the next, you’re wondering if you just wasted a lot of time. Welcome to the dating game! What a ride.
The biggest mistake women make in dating is staying too long with the wrong person. And that means you are ignoring dealbreakers when they first show up. Watch my webinar if you think your picker might be broken or you stay too long with the wrong men.
I know it's easy to tell yourself "I can work with this!" or "If they fall for me, it will change over time," or maybe worst of all, "I am asking for too much and I probably don't deserve what I really want". Our inner talk is what makes us ignore dealbreakers, and that is why I am going to load you up with some outer-talk and some real warnings about what to watch for in early dating.
Whether you're meeting someone new on dating apps or through friends, while it's important to keep an open mind, given the biggest mistake mentioned above, it is even more important to keep a discerning lens.
Calling out red flags early saves you from investing your energy in a romantic relationship that's doomed to fail. Below are the biggest dating dealbreakers every woman should keep in mind — if you're looking for real love and a long-term partner.
Dealbreaker #1: They’re Not Who They Said They Were
Nothing spells red flag louder than someone lying about the basics — their age, job, relationship status, or even their appearance. Anecdotally, I can report, gender differences sometimes show up here, with a lot of men thinking a “little white lie” is no big deal while women are more adamant about the whole truth and nothing but the truth. That said, women lie about their age and body type on dating sites a lot! Nobody is immune to some white lies to beat the algorithms. It's forgivable.
That said, it's only forgivable if the truth is revealed on the first date.
It's pretty easy to avoid this deal-breaker, before you get overly invested, by insisting on a video chat before meeting. A good guy who's seriously looking for a committed relationship will potentially be taxed by the request, but he'll understand and oblige if he is attracted to your pictures and banter.
The video chat is the ideal way to check that someone is who they represent themselves to be online, plus it's a great way to test chemistry before spending much time, money, or mascara on a live date.
Two more tips:
Be honest about yourself and your life on dating sites (what comes around goes around ;)
Ask juicy, open-ended questions that reveal character, not just facts, and then listen closely to the answers
Remember, communication inconsistencies at the start are a slippery slope. Once your date knows you are safe to talk to and reveal the truth to, they should go ahead and do just that. If you are finding out about major lies on the profile 3 or more dates in, abort the mission. This reveals character, not just the desire to beat the algorithm.
Dealbreaker #2: You’re Not Really Attracted to Them
Attraction matters. Most women can tell within 90 seconds of meeting if there’s a spark. Sure, attraction can sometimes grow, but banking on that is a dangerous bet in a new relationship.
If you’re giving it a chance, set a timeline. By the second date or the third, check yourself. Ask yourself, do I want to kiss this person? If the answer is no, tell the truth and let it go. If it's borderline, like a 6 or 7 on a scale of 1-10, I dare you to be honest with your date and see what happens. Sometimes talking about "the ick" or turn off makes it go away, or causes your date to fix the issue, and then bam, you ARE attracted. But if not, it’s kinder to both of you to move on.
Dealbreaker #3: You Want Different Things Right Now
Maybe you’re dreaming of a romantic relationship leading to a committed relationship — but he’s still “playing the field.” Maybe he wants a relationship, but you’re just getting back into dating after a divorce and need more time. Either way, this mismatch is one of the most common deal-breakers.
It’s tempting to think, “I can change this with time,” but don’t fall for it. Different core values and life stages don't magically align without a lot of heartache.
If someone is your true potential partner, they'll either be ready now — or they'll circle back later when the timing is right. Trust the process!
Dealbreaker #4: They’re Not Over Their Ex (or Exes Are Still Around)
A very common deal breaker: someone who claims to be “over it”, but talks about their ex nonstop, still has their ex in their life in confusing ways, or admits to a recent breakup.
When the personal space between a new couple and their past is crowded, it’s hard to build trust. Real love needs room to breathe — no ghosts are welcome. This can be hard to talk about and if you need support designing the conversation, read this.
Dealbreaker #5: They Can’t Resolve Conflicts Peacefully
In the early days, everyone’s on their best behavior. But as soon as folks get comfortable, you'll start to see how they handle disagreements and conflict with you and others. That's extremely important information.
If you notice yelling, passive-aggressive behavior, shutdowns, or emotional outbursts over little things — that’s a slippery slope toward bigger problems later. Even if it's a big thing, you want to see that the person believes in resolution through communication and either already knows how to have those types of discussions or is willing to learn.
A long-term partner needs to be someone who can navigate disagreements or hurts with emotional intelligence. Good news, it doesn't take a long time to learn conflict resolution, as a skill, if you are committed to it.
Dealbreaker #6: They Can't Talk About What They’ve Learned From Past Relationships
If your date's stories about his past always sound like “all my exes were crazy,” that’s a major red flag. Maturity matters. Growth matters. You want to detect a growth mindset if that's what you yourself value.
An appropriate match for you will be able to tell you — honestly — what he learned from past relationships. A nice guy isn't necessarily a perfect guy, but a reflective one is a better bet for a real partnership.
You want someone who owns their story and knows what they learned from it, not someone who plays the blame game.
Dealbreaker #7: You Don't Feel Good About Yourself Around Them
This is one of the biggest dating dealbreakers and one that's easy to ignore if you’re feeling lonely or tired of bad dates. But it’s critical: if being around your potential partner makes you feel small, insecure, or just... off, that's not okay. Listen to that inner voice telling you something is wrong, and do your very best to articulate it.
If your date wants to become your long-term partner, they'll be open to feedback and requests for change if they accidentally did something to hurt or diminish you. Speak up early and often to determine whether your personalities and communication styles could possibly be compatible. I insist you feel good about yourself with anyone who gets more than a few dates with you.
Dealbreaker #8: You Wouldn’t Want to Introduce Them to Your Friends and Family
Your best friend knows you better than anyone. If you hesitate to introduce your new relationship to your inner circle, that’s a potential deal breaker.
Maybe you want to give an excuse for this one, chalk it up to being shy or private. But deep down, you know the truth, and I am encouraging you to tell it. The "Would I introduce him to my friends?" litmus test really works. If you are hiding him, he's not a keeper.
Win at the Dating Game
As a relationship expert, my job is to keep you alert and empowered. The dating game can be tough, especially when you’re looking for a long-term partner and have already had a lot of disappointments.
Having standards — and sticking to them — protects your heart. And believe me, the right match for you will relish jumping a few hurdles to show you he’s serious.
Every bad date or misaligned connection gets you closer to your true match. Trust that.
If you’re ready to make the dating journey easier (and a lot more fun!), check out my self-paced program, Master the Art of Love. It’s packed with step-by-step strategies to help you spot the best potential partners, sidestep common deal-breakers, and build the romantic relationship you have always dreamt of.
Frequently Asked Questions About Common Dating Deal-Breakers
How soon should I bring up dealbreakers when dating?
A: It’s a good idea to stay aware from the first date, but you don't need to interrogate someone right away. Look for natural openings in conversation and watch their actions even more than their words. By the third date, if you want to continue, you should have asked and received answers about all your "dealbreaker-related" questions.
Can attraction grow over time?
A: Sometimes, yes — but usually only if there’s at least a small initial spark. If you're feeling absolutely nothing after a few weeks, an attempted kiss, and a second date, don’t force it. Chemistry matters.
What if I have a hard time spotting red flags?
A: That’s super common, especially if you’ve had a string of bad dates or you're craving connection. Make a list of YOUR dealbreakers and review them after each date with a coach or trusted friend to see if any showed up. Accountability to stay true to the dream and standards is very important.
Is it okay to keep dating someone if our political views are different?
A: It depends! If you can have respectful conversations and share enough core values, it can work. However, if you have very different core values and they lead to constant friction or discomfort about major life issues, it can be a real potential deal breaker.
How can I stay hopeful after a series of bad dates?
A: Focus on the fact that every experience — even the rough ones — is helping you refine what you want. Keep your open mind and your high standards. The right relationship usually shows up when you’re living from your full, authentic self, not your discouraged self.
Love,
