4 Secrets to Evaluating Your Relationship

By now, you know what I am going to say: 

Your partner has to be satisfying the needs of your HEAD, HEART AND HOO-HA in order for you to be/stay happy in love. (Psst, you have to be satisfying theirs too!)

A lot of you picked for the wrong reasons. Maybe the person satisfied one, or two, but not all three, and you thought you couldn’t have it all. But maybe you still can–with a little bit of work!

So here are the Four Steps for Evaluating Your Relationship:

1. Does this person work for your life? Is he/she available when you want/need them, in the right proximity? Do his/her goals/lifestyle align well with yours?
    

2. Do you feel good around your partner? Do you feel great about your communication, amount of laughter, shared enjoyment of things?
    

3. Do you want to kiss your partner? Do you want to look hot/attractive for them?
    

4. Do you want the same thing out of the relationship that they do? Whether it’s a fling or the “real thing,” long term or casual?
    

If you’re dating and you say a resounding “YES” to all of these, proceed and enjoy. If you’re still looking, keep these requirements in mind–ALWAYS. If you’re already long term committed, and you admit one or more of these criteria isn’t being met, here is the coaching for each.

Let’s count down, starting with #4:

#4: DON’T WANT THE SAME THING?

It’s usually a deal breaker if one of you wants long term and the other wants casual. The trick is getting everyone to admit the truth and then the next trick is to get the one who’s trying to manipulate the other to stop it, let go and move on! Ya dig?

#3: DON’T WANNA KISS ANYMORE?

If you don’t want to kiss your partner, but once did, and it’s not just garlic breath, you could get the spark back with these suggestions:

1. Start eating incredibly clean, and exercising vigorously at least 4 times a week.

2. Do other things to inhabit your own body and pleasure: meditate, dance, sing, pleasure yourself.

3. Remember when you used to be hot for your partner daily? Conjure up those feelings!

4. Read a sex book, or take a sex class with your partner, and start practicing again.

5. Have a regularly scheduled date night––religiously.

6. Have recurring sex dates, where you take turns planning something fun and new.

7. Tell your partner what you like, or would like, about their look.

8. Tell your partner what you like, and would like, in bed.

If you are still not hot for them, or never were: abort the mission!

#2: DON’T FEEL GOOD AROUND THEM? 

If you don’t feel good around your partner, there are 3 steps to resolving that problem, all with very lengthy instructions, and some references to other blogs:

1. Write a dream for how you’d like your relationship to be. 

2. Determine what you think is in the way.

3. Debunk the theories with your partner, a friend, or a coach, until you’re sure you know the real reason things don’t feel good (make sure you’ve tried suggestions 1 through 8, from the previous step, first!)

4. Go to work on that REAL reason, or design a difficult conversation to see if you can inspire your partner to do things differently with you.

#1: LIVES NOT MESHING WELL?

Things with your partner need to make sense. You need to be compatible enough when it comes to home life, kids, money, career and retirement plans, etc., that it’s not constant conflict! Sometimes people were compatible in practical ways, and then one person changed. That could be a deal breaker….

If you suddenly want a kid and your partner doesn’t, that’s not a match. If you suddenly want to travel the world while they want to work 70 hours a week in one city, that’s not a match. Life has to work for both of you in order to be happy in love, and if your lives aren't meshing anymore, you may be in trouble.  Mesh, people!
 

The instructions are:

1. Make a list of the practical areas things are not lining up.

2. See if your partner agrees about what’s not working practically.

3. Make agreements for how to solve those practical issues in the future.

If you are stumped about how to fix these, or you feel there are too many, you may need coaching. Check out the Love-in Community.
 

Next week, I’ll talk about the most popular ways couples disagree on logistics, and how I’ve seen couples come to resolution. Until then... LOVE as a verb!