Popcorning: What it is, Why You Do it, And Why you Have to Stop
Popcorning: Interrupting your partner (popping in) to get attention on whatever you want to discuss. Distinguishing feature: it could happen at any time!
Couples have been complaining about “popcorning'' for years but it got WAY worse in the pandemic when we were all living on top of each other.
Why You Do It:
You think the world revolves around you. Understandable! I forgive you. I think the world revolves around me too! Just because we think this doesn’t mean we have to act on it!
Why You Need to Stop Right Away:
It’s making your relationship way less connected, intimate and efficient.
Designing how to spend time and pay attention to each other solves this and causes connection, trust, peace and efficiency. Oh yes– and way less fights!
Objections I often hear:
“I want to be spontaneous. Planning is boring and unsexy. I want to go with the flow.”
If you and your partner have the exact same speeds, needs, desires, and schedules, this will work great… but if not, it’s a NO GO!
Usually when we want to go with the flow, it means we want to make sure it works for “me”, not BOTH of us.
Sometimes that can work, and of course there is room for spontaneity in how you interact with your partner; but it shouldn’t be the foundation.
Here’s what I suggest:
Create specific routines and rituals for connecting that are regular and reliable.
For example, my husband of 23 years and I have a morning time, and an evening time, set aside to give each other undivided attention. And we design what we’ll cover in each of those times.
AM meeting, on the way back from school drop off: we share how we’re feeling, and any fears we want to let go of for the day.
PM meeting, in bed: we tell each other what we’re proud of from the day, own any mistakes, openly appreciate each other, and report on how we’re doing at improving our bad habits.
We also have weekly meetings for date night and sex!
We also have monthly meetings, pre-set in the calendar, for logistical/vacation planning, new sexual-discovery learning time, and reviewing our finances!
I would never prescribe that you need to have these same meetings, or necessarily cover the same topics. I just wanted to give you an idea of how we maintain our connection and keep our household running smoothly..
Because we always know we’ll have each other’s undivided attention twice a day, there is very little need for interrupting one another.
At other times of day, we assume our partner is BUSY! Because they usually are! If they aren’t literally engaged in a task, they are certainly on a train of thought. And interrupting it is RUDE!
We use texting and emailing for requests, or odds and ends as they arise, because we can control when we look at those, as opposed to a physical interruption. We try hard not to interrupt each other’s flow.
Another objection I hear:
“My partner won’t play! I want to put in structures, but my partner won’t.”
You don’t need your partner’s compliance at first. You can just start showing up at specific times, apologize for interrupting, and ask for attention nicely. If “now” doesn’t work for you, you can always say what time would work for you, and state your intention for the time together.
As soon as your partner realizes what you need, and how helpful it is for it to be predictable, they will likely submit to having a regular practice of meeting, even if you make the timing flexible.
Predictability creates peace! Anyone who has raised a child knows this. And in this respect, we don’t change as adults. It provides a sense of security when we know what to expect. It’s no different in the area of love.
Designing how you spend time and give attention to your partner causes connection, trust and peace!
Thank you for caring so much about LOVE!
