How to Stop Predictable Fights in Their Tracks 👣
Quick, without thinking hard, name the top three fights you always have with your partner.
My husband and I fight about money. I am more nervous and controlling, he is more trusting and generous. We fight when we’re hosting guests. Again, he thinks everything will turn out fine. I think he’s checked out, and I think worrying and controlling get the job done. Lastly, if I think we’re having sex, I’ll start a fight. I avoid intimacy, and think I can make sure I don’t have to be vulnerable if I start a fight.
My husband Will and I have sex twice a week, a financial meeting once a month, and celebrate approximately four major holidays every year in our home with guests. You can set your watch by the fact that we will fight on most of those occasions.
Isn’t predictability fun?
Can you relate to any of these predictable fights, or are yours different?
I asked the Love-in Community what they fought with their partners most about, and got some awesome statistics:
Attention, Money, Communication, Sex, Division of Labor, Logistics and Parenting were the clear winners. Now what’s your Top Three?
Ask yourself these questions:
When do you fight?
What are your triggers?
What are your partner's triggers?
How do you find resolution?
If you knew you'd get a million dollars for avoiding those fights, what would you do differently?
I don't want my husband to be like me: if he was, we’d never have sex, get to go on a nice vacation, or host a family event. I am glad his attitude towards the world, and his personality traits, create polarity with mine. Since we know where our assets and liabilities are, we can solve for them.
Here’s how to head the fights off at the pass:
Step 1: Awareness:
You can start by reviewing my thought questions above with your partner, and agreeing on the list you want to address!
Step 2: Giggle:
Laurie’s favorite meme :)
You gotta have a sense of humor about this stuff, and be willing to be playful about solutions, or else it’s going to be harder than it has to be!
Step 3: Putting in Promises:
Changing behavior goes a long way to heading fights off at the pass! But you have to officially agree and follow up on it, as a promise, not just think it’s a good idea.
Here are the promises Will and I have to handle our predictable fights:
We have a “feelings party” before any gathering in our home. Please watch the video on Instagram for a full explanation but bottom line, we vent out our feelings before we plan the logistics and stress is allowed if it is channeled appropriately and resolved. It’s okay to be nervous something won’t go well, it’s not okay to make everyone miserable with your anxiety.
This image is clickable!
2. When we have our monthly meeting about finances, I wear tape on my mouth until he is all done explaining.
🤬 😂
I did this only a few times, and kind of to be funny, but actually it really helped!
3. We have sex 2x/week regardless of how much I seem to like to fight first. I am committed to having a great sex life and I always enjoy it and since I know we’re doing it anyway, I fight less.
My solutions will be different from yours! I am only sharing mine as an example, so that you can see how it works when you really want to design your life to work for your relationship, and take care of each other. In future newsletters, I am going to address all the fighting topics specifically, and tell you the tools I’ve used effectively with my couples clients to resolve them.
In the meantime, join my free Facebook group to get all my latest musings in video format! Exclusive content will be dropping there regularly.
Can’t wait to see you in a new place!
Tired of having the same fight on repeat?
Watch my free webinar, “3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love,” and learn how to spot your patterns, design personalized solutions, and finally stop fighting about the same things over and over again.
Frequently Asked Questions about Predictable Fights in Relationships
Is it normal to have recurring fights in a long-term relationship?
Yes—most couples argue about the same few things over and over. The goal isn’t to avoid conflict entirely, but to recognize patterns and create conscious agreements that reduce friction.
How can I identify our most common fight triggers?
Look at your calendar and track when fights tend to happen: before sex, around money talks, during holidays, etc. Then ask yourself (and your partner) what’s really underneath the reaction—often it’s fear, shame, or unmet needs.
Why do silly solutions like taping your mouth or “feelings parties” work?
Because they add humor, structure, and intention. When you approach recurring issues playfully and proactively, you shift the dynamic from blame to teamwork. That’s where real change happens.
What’s the difference between a promise and a “good idea”?
A promise is a clear, agreed-upon commitment with follow-up—like “We’ll have a pre-event check-in” or “We’ll set a weekly time to talk finances.” A good idea is something you say you’ll try… until the moment passes and nothing changes.
What if my partner doesn’t want to participate in solving the pattern?
Start by owning your part and modeling change. Share your observations with love, not blame. If they continue to avoid responsibility, it may be time to bring in coaching—or assess whether the partnership is aligned long-term.
