Narcissism Is Rampant: How to Identify a Narcissist and Keep Yourself Safe
As a relationship coach, I help people avoid and break up with narcissists.
But how would you know when it’s time to call it quits? Narcissists love to keep you hooked!
I want you to be armed with the resources to know when to get out of a toxic relationship.
Unfortunately, our friends and family members might not be brave or clear enough to tell us, just go. Same as you, they might justify why the advantages of your relationship outweigh the costs.
“Narcissism is rampant.”
That’s how my conversation with 13-year veteran counselor Angel Hoodye started. She chuckled when I asked for stats, remarking that narcissists rarely self-report. Touché!
She went on to say, it’s just not talked about enough by the survivors/victims and professionals--and I agreed there’s still a taboo. Nobody wants to talk about how their relationship isn’t working or the bad behavior they are putting up with
I teach my clients how to take personal responsibility, and “clean up their side of the street” in relationships; but once that work is done, there needs to be a “come to Jesus” moment where the other side is assessed!
Is this relationship good for me?
Am I with someone who is able to give me what I need?
Angel has counseled and coached people for years on how to leave unhealthy relationships, and even worked with narcissists themselves and she cautions that many people have narcissistic traits but that doesn’t make a person a clinically diagnosed narcissist.
Diagnosing narcissism is something only a professional can do, and it’s based on a variety of factors that can only be fully assessed over time in counseling with someone.
Here are the patterns of behavior the professionals look for:
Lack of empathy
Grandiosity
Manipulation
Need for constant admiration and validation
Projection
Never taking responsibility
Lying
If someone is hurting you with these behaviors, to an extent that you are significantly and regularly upset: You may be with a narcissist.
Other signs you may be with a narcissist are if you spend a lot of your time on the person with little return, or you find yourself sending long texts/emails/letters to explain yourself to someone. You just never feel like you can be heard or understood.
Why do people stay with people who have these patterns of behavior, you ask? Angel explained a concept coined by Tracy Schorn, author of Leave a Cheater Gain A Life called “hopium.”
“Hopium” is when a person puts their needs and life on hold while they sit in hope that someone they love will “kick their narcissism.”
Hopium can be very addictive. But things don’t turn out.
It’s tempting to believe someone will change, or that your worth is linked to being able to change them– but evidence shows that it is extremely difficult for true narcissists to change, which means they will never care about your experience of life unless it serves their purposes in the moment.
Since I define “love as a verb” as caring about the other person’s experience as much as you do your own experience, there is a starkness to this conclusion: A narcissist cannot love you. You will never feel loved. This may feel familiar from childhood, but it's not okay –it wasn’t then and it’s not now.
Hopefully it will be a relief to finally start telling the truth about what is reasonable to expect from a narcissist–HINT: it’s basically: only taking!
Let that penetrate your consciousness.
Does this mean you have to block them in every way?
If they are a family member, you probably won’t be able to do that, so you’ll need strong boundaries and a lot of support from the healthy people in your life.
If they are someone you chose, like a lover or a friend, then it's probably best to let them go from your life, and you may have to reinforce it a few times to help them really get that you mean it.
Become aware of the person's patterns and behaviors (and your coach will tell you to keep a log of them), instead of focusing on what they once were, or who you hope they could be. An eyes-wide-open approach means acknowledging harm, betrayals and the gaslighting, and that can hurt.
Going through the detox and the grieving of letting a person (and an idea) go is going to take discipline, and distraction, and going to require a community of professional and personal support.
Discipline: Your mind is going to want to keep looping back to upsetting thoughts, catch that and flip it as much as you can. Your mind is going to want to give second (ahem, hundredth) chances, discipline yourself and don’t go back.
Distraction: Old patterns die hard. You need your mind on other things. Plan lots of activities, self improvement and time with healthy people…
Support: It will help to hear how normal your grieving process is, from a professional. It will help to be reminded of behaviors that are not okay. You don’t need the narcissist to talk to you to have closure. You can receive closure through your own self work, spiritual practices and support from your community.
Most narcissists are very charismatic. It’s not hard to understand why someone would fall for them, but it is hard to get out. I hope these words make it a little easier to begin the process, if it applies to you. Please share this article with anyone in your life you think needs to read it. Healing is a team sport.
Love,
