Partner Not Listening? I’ll Show You How to Change That
November 20, 2022
So many people feel their partners don’t listen well.
Here is what doesn’t work to inspire listening:
- Ambushing
- Nagging
- Passive aggressive behavior
In successful couples, each member of the couple does what it takes to encourage listening.
First, they really think about what they want to communicate, and what the purpose of the communication is, before launching into it.
So let's say you want to give your partner feedback on something. If it's happening in the household, or in your sex life, and you don't like it, you'd think, "What's the purpose of me communicating this? Is it to:
- blame them
- to stick it to them
- to righteously make them feel shame
- to extract an apology, or
- to make sure they’re aware of it?
If you found that your purpose is kinda mean or negative, as someone skilled in managing relationships, you’d pause. You’d recognize that it isn’t a good purpose. Instead, you’d find a better one.
For example: My purpose is to make this relationship better. My purpose is to create a culture of honesty in our relationship.
The next step is to hold true to that purpose in the communication, to keep it present in the conversation. This way, the heart is leading, not just the head, and your communication is more likely to be heard.
How to avoid ambushing:
Ask for a time to speak about the topic you want to discuss in advance and don’t proceed without it. Tell the other person the purpose.
How to avoid nagging:
Design the conversation in advance by writing it down; set aside a time for the conversation (make sure they’re also available then, of course!); and have an outcome in mind, even if it’s just greater mutual understanding.
Once you say what you need to say and hear the reaction, construct a follow up plan that you can both agree with, minus any nagging.
How to avoid passive aggressive behavior:
Resolve with yourself that you will be the kind of person who brings up difficult topics through planned conversations, not the kind of person who stews about them. If you are talking to yourself or your friends about it, that’s how you know it’s time to find your purpose and design your conversation.
For more on how to design effective conversations, check out this blog about how to set it up, and this blog with great examples of literally what to say.
Want a Relationship Where You Actually Feel Heard?
Getting your partner to listen starts with how you design your conversations. If you’re tired of being misunderstood, dismissed, or tuned out—let’s fix that. Join me for my free webinar: “3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love.” You'll get my best coaching tools for building honest, loving communication.
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Love,
Frequently Asked Questions about Getting Your Partner to Listen
What if my partner refuses to have a “designed” conversation?
Start small. Ask for five minutes of their time with a clear, kind purpose like, “I want to feel closer to you.” If you model respectful communication and stick to your intention, most people will eventually soften and join you.
How do I know what my real purpose is before starting a conversation?
Ask yourself, “What do I want the outcome of this conversation to be?” If it’s anything like “to prove them wrong” or “to make them feel bad,” that’s your cue to pause. Shift to a heart-led purpose like connection, clarity, or mutual growth.
What if I try these steps and they still don’t listen?
Consistency is key. If you keep showing up calmly, clearly, and purposefully, your partner is more likely to shift over time. If not, it might be time to explore deeper dynamics with support—you're not meant to do this alone.
Can I use these tools even if we’re in constant conflict?
Yes. In fact, that's when they’re most powerful. Designed conversations create a calm structure and reduce the emotional chaos of conflict. Start with something small and low-stakes to build trust in the process.
What if I tend to get emotional and lose my purpose mid-conversation?
That’s normal. Write your purpose down ahead of time and even read it aloud at the start of the conversation. If emotions rise, take a breath and come back to it. Emotions are welcome—but your purpose is your anchor.