Partner Not Listening? I’ll Show You How to Change That
So many people feel their partners don’t listen well.
Here is what doesn’t work to inspire listening:
Ambushing
Nagging
Passive aggressive behavior
In successful couples, each member of the couple does what it takes to encourage listening.
First, they really think about what they want to communicate, and what the purpose of the communication is, before launching into it.
So let's say you want to give your partner feedback on something. If it's happening in the household, or in your sex life, and you don't like it, you'd think, "What's the purpose of me communicating this? Is it to:
blame them
to stick it to them
to righteously make them feel shame
to extract an apology, or
to make sure they’re aware of it?
If you found that your purpose is kinda mean or negative, as someone skilled in managing relationships, you’d pause. You’d recognize that it isn’t a good purpose. Instead, you’d find a better one.
For example: My purpose is to make this relationship better. My purpose is to create a culture of honesty in our relationship.
The next step is to hold true to that purpose in the communication, to keep it present in the conversation. This way, the heart is leading, not just the head, and your communication is more likely to be heard.
How to avoid ambushing:
Ask for a time to speak about the topic you want to discuss in advance and don’t proceed without it. Tell the other person the purpose.
How to avoid nagging:
Design the conversation in advance by writing it down; set aside a time for the conversation (make sure they’re also available then, of course!); and have an outcome in mind, even if it’s just greater mutual understanding.
Once you say what you need to say and hear the reaction, construct a follow up plan that you can both agree with, minus any nagging.
How to avoid passive aggressive behavior:
Resolve with yourself that you will be the kind of person who brings up difficult topics through planned conversations, not the kind of person who stews about them. If you are talking to yourself or your friends about it, that’s how you know it’s time to find your purpose and design your conversation.
For more on how to design effective conversations, check out this blog about how to set it up, and this blog with great examples of literally what to say.
