The #1 Communication Problem in Couples, Do you have it?
In a recent survey we discovered what couples fight about most.
Communication topped the list with complaints like..
“She always interrupts.”
“He doesn’t listen.”
“He doesn’t get it. We’re in two different worlds.”
“We have different paces of processing.”
Know what I think it boils down to?
WE STINK AT LISTENING!
Raise your hand if you know you are bad at it.
Most of us were never trained on how to be good listeners, and we have a lot of competing noise. According to this article, there are 4 types of noise competing for our attention.
All the NOISE is drowning out the words and feelings of our nearest and dearest! And robbing us of the connection we so desire.
So how do we mitigate the noise?
Physical: Literal noise might be distracting you. If you want to have a real connected conversation: Shut the window. Turn off the TV, radio, phone alerts and remove any other physical or auditory distraction.
Physiological: If your body isn't comfortable, you won’t be able to listen well. I remember someone remarking once on how I organized the room (and myself) before I’d give a presentation. Once the chairs were arranged for optimal energetic exchange between audience/speaker, the temperature was controlled, I was fed, and my tea and water were set: then, and only then, was I ready.
Don’t have hard conversations when you’re cold, tired or hungry!
Semantic: It’s hard to listen and understand if there's a language barrier, or jargon you just don’t understand. If you are the listener, you must ask for layman’s terms. If you are the speaker, seek to be understood with language the listener can understand. Always define your terms!
Psychological: If you are worried, have time constraints, or other distracting people present (hello, your kids!), you won’t listen well. That's why it’s so important to have a private time and place set aside for meaningful conversations. It’s also important to keep the emotional slate clear.
The loudest noise is our mental bias against the speaker or the content! These biases make us upset, destroy intimacy, and make us bad at listening. It’s most important to quiet this noise to keep the emotional slate clear.
But how do you get the emotional slate clear?
Recognize and own your biases: For example, whenever your partner talks to you at night, you know it won’t go well, or you always think it’s bad news when your partner brings up money. Or, my worst bias, assuming my partner didn’t care.
Apologize for your biases: In a calm moment, apologize for your biases about certain topics, or ways you’ve been bad at listening just because it’s that person or that topic.
Seek to counteract your biases, by listening with the purpose of getting into the other person’s world. Sometimes your biases may be right, but more often they are either wrong, or creating negative self-fulfilling prophecies. Therefore, it’s best to assume that when you really listen you’ll, hear something new from the other person, which could change everything or even lead to new solutions!
Unfortunately, humans get stuck proving bad theories true, regardless of how false they may have started. If you don’t like what you're thinking about your partner or a certain topic, you can open your mind back up and start listening effectively. Suddenly, you have a choice: a) believe what you’ve always believed, and find evidence for it; or b) believe something more hopeful, and listen for evidence of it!
SUMMARY:
Wanna have an effective communication experience with your partner? Make sure these conditions for success are in place:
You’re both rested.
You're both fed.
You're both sober.
You have a private quiet place.
You have time for the conversation.
Your biases are in check.
Wanna hear me say it? Check out my weekly Couples Competency Tips on Tuesdays on Instagram!
This is a clickable image!
Make sure to clear your mind of all your biases, first expressing them on paper or to a coach, and then recognizing them as theories and not facts. Do the work to consider alternative viewpoints, so you can go into the conversation with your partner with a truly open mind.
Then listen, so well you could say back what you heard, and even guess how the speaker feels. If that still feels impossible, next week's blog is all about how to practice listening--it should help!
